WHAT'S IN A NAME?

The BabyCenter has released their list of the Top Baby Names of 2009 and the results are nothing short of miraculous.  A quick glance will reveal that the most popular names are Biblical in nature, but closer analysis will reveal a leap of epic proportions:

After only three newborns being named 'Edward' in 2008 (barely squeezing out 'Ebeneezer'), the name has jumped to #226 on the popularity list for 2009.

How could a name jump from obscurity - truly the twilight of its relevance - to lionization if you will, in such a short amount of time?  What could have happened in the past year to cast a new moon on a name like Edward?  Who is responsible for this transformation?

Well, I think the answer is obvious: This Blog.

Occasionally, my popularity amazes even me.  "GO TEAM EDWARD!!!"  I hear women shouting that all the time.  Thank you, all of you, for the support.  And MERRY CHRISTMAS!

DANNY SHOWED ME...

He was working at Tractor Supply Co. when I went in for some M-T-G. Danny was vociferous and enthusiastic. He was animated, almost invading. His address of each customer was cordial, but loud. Almost shouting. And the smile on his face and in his voice was genuine.

Danny obviously had Down's Syndrome. He stood behind the counter rocking from foot to foot. The regular cashier was standing behind him because, even though he knew most of the movements, Danny didn't always remember which button to push or when. And although he was very difficult to understand, he insisted on carrying on a running dialog with each and every customer. (As I walked out the door he was making an announcement on the exterior speaker system, with his assistant following up to make sure the request was understood.)

I left with a smile on my face. The same smile that remained on Danny's face as he turned from the mic to help the next customer. I thought about how Danny made sure to speak to every customer, and about how many times I have been through a store for 45 minutes or more and gone through the checkout line without a single person speaking to me... or making an effort myself to speak to anyone else.  I thought about how much Danny enjoyed scanning the products and reading out the prices, about how mundane the job must be and how so many other people become disinterested in their own jobs, me included.

For just an instant I began to think about the issues Danny has to face in every facet of life due to his affliction. But that thought transformed into something else when I realized that Danny wasn't wasting time doing that. So I began thinking about my own set of issues. I work for a company in the construction industry. Times are tough. With the downturn of the economy I've watched our income dwindle down to just a fraction of our expenses. Every two weeks I sweat about how I'm going to be able to pay our guys. Then about whether I'm going to be able to pay myself. My job has been reduced to juggling creditors and trying to keep the lights on. I'm no fool... it can't last long like this.

My boss pointed out to me that he dreaded coming into the office of late. It seems he didn't want to see my face because I wore on it the only kind of news I've had for him: bad. I didn't bother to tell him that I've felt the same about avoiding him. Surely things will turn around soon, we fool ourselves. Actually, we're hurting because of the bursting of the so-called housing bubble. We both know that the commercial construction bubble is still yet to fail. So, while barely treading water, we're going to have to redirect the entire company.

The holidays are always a bit stressful: traveling to see family, organizing everything that needs to be organized, decorating everything that needs to be decorated, and gifting everyone who needs to be gifteed. I have to deal with my ex-wife on the kids' holiday visits, which is always a nightmare. And this year the extended family is getting together, which means we've got to scrounge the gift money for a slew of additional children. And if that weren't enough, the only reason I met Danny is that one of my horses has rain rot. That's why I needed the M-T-G.

But, hey!  I have horses. Sure, one is sickly and has problems, but he's a sweetheart. And the two mares... well, while they aren't exactly sweet, they are stout. I live on a beautiful piece of property that most could only dream about. I have a great extended family, one that I will get to visit this holiday season. And my wife's family will be coming to us. No illnesses or losses in either family for quite some time. My daughter will be joining the rest of us for the entire Christmas break.  I'm in excellent health and couldn't ask for a more loving home life.

Sure, there are problems at work. We're going through quite a tough time. But I have a job. I've watched competitors, clients, and vendors go out of business all around us. We may may just be treading water, but we're here. And I'm most thankful for that. There are many out there - about 17% of the population - that won't have a job this Christmas. When I look at it, my life is pretty darn rich right now.

I have no intention of turning this into a political diatribe, and those who are close to me know that I'm not completely sold on Sarah Palin as the savior of Conservatism. For that matter, I put no faith in any politicians.  I just don't trust their motives. And from the spiritual side, I am one that believes in coincidences. But it struck me that on the very day I met Danny I read an article about Sarah Palin's book tour bringing out the pro-lifers because she was touring with Trig, her son that was diagnosed with Down's Syndrome. I don't think he was diagnosed before birth, but I do know he wasn't planned.

I don't know that that has anything to do with me. But I can tell you this: If you see me acting a little differently at work. If I'm stepping a little higher, and smiling a little brighter. If my head and morale are higher. If my outlook has shifted over into the positive column. Don't be alarmed. I'm not on drugs. I haven't checked out of reality. And my lottery ticket is still worthless. All that's happened is that I've been shown just how life should be approached, how valuable it is, and how glad I should be to have mine.

Danny showed me.

Ku Klux Klan to Back Health Care Reform!

Representatives of the KKK have come forward today to announce the organization will be supporting the Democrat-backed Health Care Reform initiatives. This surprising announcement comes just hours after the Census Bureau released figures revealing that, given current U.S. infant mortality rates, white children will be a minority by 2023, with the overall Hispanic population ballooning to 28% within two decades.

"This is despert times," drawled Oral 'Mud' Slippins, Dragon of KKK Local 23. "Dey calls for despert maysures. If'n the guv'mint starts ta payin' fer abortions, maybe it'll cut down on all of dem Mesican babies being' borned."

This begs the question: Could there be stranger bed fellows than David Duke and Barack Obama?

ALUMINUM HAT WARNING

The Centers for Disease Control has announced that 800,000 doses of H1N1 Vaccine have been recalled., but states there is no health risk posed to anyone who has been inoculated. There is nothing to worry about; the government is still protecting you. The recalled doses merely did not contain enough Sodium Pentothal.

TIGER LOSES A STRIPE

Accenture has stepped forward as the first major sponsor to drop Tiger Woods over 'Voice Mail Gate.' The corporate consultancy company has recognized that Tiger's current public image might not be the greatest tool for convincing other businesses to trust Accenture's judgment.  It also questions for marketing professionals the wisdom of hanging an entire company's public image on one character. It seems like this question may have been answered in the past.

Still, Tiger doesn't seem to be too worried. Although his life has been thrown asunder over his extra-marital affairs, and other large sponsors are sure to follow Accenture's lead, he is as confident as ever. Already he has reportedly been contacted by Blackberry for a new ad campaign:

Straight from the Tiger's lips

"Why leave a voice message, when a text is so much more deniable?"

TOO GOOD TO MISS

You may recall that back in the bailout days Congress purchased, with our tax dollars, a stake in CitiGroup for about $45 billion (with another $300 billion guarantee) on the grounds that it was "too big to fail."  In actuality, it was just the right size to fail.  CitiGroup is an institution that has extended credit card lines to everyone from little old widows on Social Security to family pets.  This practice created not only a huge dependence upon credit by your average Joe (more credit card use just to be able to make the minimum payment on the credit card used to buy that 2nd four-wheeler), it also resulted in an unacceptable percentage of defaults.  It's true.  You can look it up.

Many other companies also engaged in this practice.  The overall effect was devastating, but blame was shifted to the housing market to cover up the irresponsibility of these leeching credit companies.  The fear generated (and the drying up of other credit lines, such as those for small business - the true motor of this country) has resulted in a very real housing and construction crisis, as prophesied by the administration and Fed last year.  Because of this, most of the banks that received any kind of bailout funding are sitting on the money because they are worried about loan defaults - the very issue that got them in trouble in the first place. The President has asked them to start freeing up some of this money, but there just aren't that many small businesses left to issue loans to - and those that are managing to hang on are no longer safe bets.

There is good news, though!  CitiGroup is repaying their $20 billion obligation to the government.  The other $25 billion was given in stock.  Congress will now sell that stock, which - for those keeping count - is worth 20% more now than when Congress purchased it a year ago.  This will bring in about a $15 billion return on stock that has fallen in value 40% this year.  Pretty sneaky profit they made with our tax dollars.  I'll be waiting for my dividend check...

Maybe it will be enough to cover the extra income tax burden we'll get hit with due to Obama's "Making Work Pay" Program from last year!

A TIME TO KILL...

...this morning before we head out into the mad world of Christmas shoppers.  So, I thought I'd sit down with a cup of coffee and get my mind off the upcoming insanity with a quick update.

"Is that a putter in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

A strange week indeed in the world of golf: Tiger Woods has been voted out of the neighborhood while John Daly has been voted back in.  Who woulda thunk it?

Daly has apparently cleaned up his personal life, recommitted himself to stylish clothing, is considering writing another book, and wants to do a movie about his life. And after recently shedding 115 pounds, Daly stated that he envisions Matt Damon taking the lead role.

Drew Carey could not be reached for comment.

Tiger Woods has announced he will be taking an indefinite leave from professional golf and his Tiger Woods Foundation. So far none of his sponsors have openly dropped him in light of the 467 women who have come forward claiming to be his 19th Hole, but have stated there have been "thoughtful conversations" about what happens next. Expect him to be entering a 'sexual addiction' clinic any day.

Since it is not included in the list to the left:

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa quit after three ho's.

A Very Personal 'Thank You' to Uncle Barack

Cash flow.  Most small business failures are due to cash flow problems: income isn't properly accounted for, expenses aren't properly tracked, the company over-extends, market demands shift, or the entire economy goes into the toilet. Larger corporations are more insulated from cash flow problems, but do face longer-term complications. The common ground is that in both cases these problems are no one's responsibility other than those involved in the individual business. The difference is the government likes to get involved to help out the "too-big-to-fails." Case in point: "Cash for Caulkers."

This is a program the President is bandying about to raise his popularity polls and fill his campaign coffers with money from... oops, where was I going with that?  I mean, he's looking out for people, little people like you and me, by calling for a program that will give rebates to those wanting to make their homes more energy efficient.  "I’m calling on Congress to consider a new program to provide incentives for consumers who retrofit their homes to become more energy-efficient, which we know creates jobs, saves money for families and reduces the pollution that threatens our environment."  Hey, that's green, too! Spreading the love and saving the planet, one Nobel Peace Prize at a time.

Surprisingly (or not) Dow Chemical is on board with this program.  Of course, as a manufacturer of insulation products, why wouldn't they be on board?  I wonder if the government realizes that Dow's hydrocarbon- and fiberglass-based insulation products aren't exactly the 'green-greeniest" stuff around... but then, why nitpick?  I wonder if Dow Chemical remembers that the government was involved in destroying Dow Corning over silicone implants that were never shown to actually cause harm... but then, why nitpick?

Lowe's and The Home Depot have jumped on board with their support, and why not?  They sell these products.  And just look at how successful the Cash for Clunkers Program was, they point out. But wait!  This was supposed to be a thank you note.  So, here it is:

Dear Uncle Barack,

Thank you for the Cash for Caulkers Program.  I know it's not a done deal, yet... and heck, it may not even happen.  But thank you for mentioning it.  I can't even imagine how many homeowners are sitting around right now going, "Honey, I'm so satisfied sitting here with the heating running, stomping our carbon foot all over the planet. Of course, if there was a government stimulus package that somehow made tax payers cover a rebate for us to get better insulation - I might not feel that way."  They'll be coming around next year!  But I wanted to thank you for what happened today!

This is a slow time for us in the construction industry.  The economy is in the tank, building is off, it's been raining, and it's the holidays, so people don't even want us in their houses.  We install insulation.  It's been so slow that I've watched our competitors go out of business.  In fact, it's so slow that I, here in accounts receivable/payable, haven't even had to bother with bills - there's just no money to pay them.  I haven't had to worry about payroll - there just isn't any money to pay it.  And it was looking to be a slow, peaceful, quiet Christmas season until one of our customers called up  wanting insulation installed before the holidays!  But thanks to you, we're off the hook.

Seems that hours before we were to start that customer heard you might give him money in the future to upgrade his insulation, so he's going to wait it out until next year.  Thanks, Uncle Barack.  Now I don't have to busy myself with processing that income.  We'll get to it next year... if we're still here.

Sincerely,

Edward G. Roberts

HELTHКAЯE ЯEFORM Update

Progress in Senate Democratic health care talks

That's the headline from Yahoo! News this morning. It banners an Associated Press story written by Erica Werner. The article centers on the Democrats backing down from a proposed government-run insurance program, or Public Option, in order to gain key support in the Senate Healthcare Reform Bill. Hmm. This tactic seems familiar. Where was I forewarned of it? Oh, yes... now I remember:

This is not a “public option.” This is the government setting prices and packages throughout the industry, listing it for you, and letting you “choose” which option you want. In other words, a fascist health care system. The Democrats will have appeared to have backed way off of their demands and the Republicans will have appeared to have saved face. And all of us will be reaping the… well, I’ll let you characterize the results any way you wish.

You may remember that, too.  It was from the end of my Helthkare Яeform (Part 7) post. I predicted it. It's right there. Read it.

But this post isn't about my own self-aggrandizement (well, maybe a little). I want to bring your attention to a sentence in the seventh paragraph of this AP article:

New purchasing marketplaces called exchanges would make it easier for small businesses and people without government or employer coverage to shop for health insurance, and onerous insurance company practices such as denying coverage to people with pre-existing medical conditions would be banned.

Did you catch that?  The "onerous" practice? Isn't this a tad editorial in nature? I will tell you straight out that this blog is most certainly slanted in one direction - MINE! But I make no claims to the contrary. The reader is free to recognize the truth or to disagree with me. But this article is from the Associated Press! Should it not be objective?

The truth is that I am not surprised to see it. I have actually fired off letters to the AP complaining about the poor quality of their writing in not only fact reporting but basic grammar. Pointless to do so, I know... but it allows me to complain that nothing is going to improve. It will only get worse, and here's why:

News reporting is not a lucrative industry.  With the number of cable stations and online outlets, news organizations have less and less money every year to spend on reporters. As a result, most of the reporters you see today are young, blond girls. (I know nothing about Erica Werner specifically, other than the fact that she is apparently incapable of objective reporting.) It is no coincidence that they look very much like the girl dancing in the lower corner of your screen saying something like, "At Adult Playground you can watch me as we chat online and..." These reporterettes are not hired because of their abilities... they are hired for their looks.

I know this sounds sexist, but I've been there and seen it. Sour grapes? Nope. I didn't enjoy my time in news organizations because of their unwillingness to dig deep and risk ticking off politicians (probably a good idea if Federal dollars end up being used to bailout - read: take over - large newspapers). So there's no sour grapes. I just hate seeing quality plummet. (One can be good looking AND smart... ehem. The issue here is the 'and.')

The only solution we have is to do it ourselves. My blog is more of an editorial page, no doubt. But what blogs have you seen that you feel deliver objective information? (Don't bother submitting Wikipedia, please.) Please comment with links to information blogs you enjoy. It might be your own. It might be Matt Drudge's, or whomever.

I want to gather a list of them, go through and find ones that dig for information, and provide that list for you to bookmark. Sort of a morning reading list. Instead of relying on the reporterette who interviews one professor at Berkley and suddenly becomes an expert on Global Warming, let's identify those individuals out there who have a passion for the issues that affect our lives. Let's dig into their heads and resources, and come up with a digest of credible, detailed, and objective sources.

Anyone game? Put your links in a comment, or email them to me if you'd prefer.

MONDAY DIGEST

The next few posts are part of the Monday Digest.

COP KILLERS

This past week a police officer was shot and killed during a traffic stop here in Alabama.  The incident is of course horrible, and baffling at this time as the shooter is a 29-year old pharmacist with no violent record.  Emotions are running high in the Birmingham area, and in light of the four officers killed recently in Washington state, and another officer fired at during a traffic stop in Talladega, Alabama, there are calls for harsh punishment.

I often listen to Steve & Leah in the Morning, a local talk show, on my way in to work.  This morning was no exception.  Today they stated a belief that anyone found guilty of shooting and killing a police officer should face a mandatory death sentence.  Leah added that a restriction on appeals to just one should also be enacted.

I called in with my opinion.  I'd like you to leave your opinion below.  It's not hard, and it's free of charge!

It's All Up In The Air

As President Obama prepares for a mass bowing in Capenhagen, the Environmental Protection Agency is announcing today its opinion that heat-trapping greenhouse gases are endangering people's health.  This is in response to the Supreme Court's previous ruling that an endangerment declaration must exist before the EPA can begin regulating factories under the Clean Air Act.  Yes, you read that correctly: before the EPA can regulate business, it must only claim that business is hurting people.

This move will certainly help Barack Obama in his effort to become the next Secretary-General of the United Nations by showing the world that America can control its dogs. For anyone thinking this is about climate change (man-made or not), take a look back at the old Kyoto Protocol, which we were prudent enough not to ratify.  (This will not, I fear, be the case this go around.):

unfccc.int/resource/docs/convkp/kpeng.html

Check especially Article 11(3) and Article 22(2).

The former reveals monies will flow from "developed" countries to "developing" countries. That second group includes many of the same countries accused by the U.N. of gross human rights abuses. Hmmm.

Article 22, with its "vice versa" tag, means that groups like the E.U. will vote for ALL of Europe, and it will do so with that many votes. (Sorry if any member state disagrees with the E.U.) It also means that ANY regional economic group (let's say, African Union?) would get more votes than an economy the size of the U.S. (1 vote). From where does the money flow, and where does it go?

Or, to be less U.S.-centric, there are 27 members of the E.U. There are 53 countries in Africa. What if there was an African Union? Do you think, with that disparity of voting power, any money would flow FROM Africa TO Europe?


So, the next time you hear how terribly the United States is destroying the world and how critical it is for us to join international "pollution" treaties, ask yourself what it all means as you look at pictures like these:

 

 

H1N1 Vaccine Question

The CDC has been telling us that the H1N1 Virus is going to kill everyone on the planet for a little over a YEAR now.  So far, they've only been able to get enough vaccine manufactured to protect 1 out of 100 old people and babies; the rest of us are left out in the cold.

The University of Alabama won the 2009 SEC Championship by beating the Florida Gators on Saturday, 32-13.  In less than 48 hours enough memorabilia has been manufactured to outfit every man, woman, and child on earth with a "2009 SEC CHAMPS - Roll, Tide, Roll!" hat, shirt, and license plate frame.

My Question:

If health care is going to be taken over, would we not be better off leaving it in the hands of Nick Saban?

PEARL HARBORING TERRORISTS?

It's busy day for us here in the Land of the (soon to be not-so) Free. It's December 7th, and that can mean only one thing here in the U.S. of A.:

Today we recognize the vital importance of the men and women of our armed forces by arraigning four members of our most elite fighting force on charges of punching a known and successful terrorist scumbucket.

I know there are allegations of falsifying reports and impeding investigations and etc...  But for God's sake!  Am I the only one that can see the big picture here?  Am I the only one that sees the damage that will be done by prosecuting Navy SEALs in front of the entire world in deference to a godless sociopath!!??  What are we going to do next, start bowing before other national leaders?

Did Matthew McCabe punch this guy?  I don't know, and I don't really care.  Did he cover the fact up with the help of his buddies?  I don't know, but realize the military must find out.  But I also know that if they did collude in covering it up they did so in reaction to the mamby-pamby, social-experimenting, equal opportunity, progressive state the U.S. Military is in today!  Which is what has landed it in The Pansy Corner in the first place!

Here's the test on this case: WWPS?

Who Would Patton Slap?  Would George S. Patton, Jr. (can anyone argue against his effectiveness and understanding of war?) slap these Navy SEALs or would he slap Robert Gates and anyone else not coming to their defense and putting an end to this circus?

WWPS?

"Back from 'who ate us'?" "No, hiatus."

OBAMA'S WAR

President Barack Obama's long anticipated "Afghaniplan" is scheduled to be announced this very evening, with a troop increase of 30-35,000 expected, which is a tad less than the 140,000 his commanding General recommended for success. Our little candidate is growing up. It seems like just yesterday he was saying things like, "I don't oppose all wars. What I am opposed to is a dumb war."  Of course, that quote was directed toward the War in Iraq. 

After eight years there, Afghanistan is clearly a different story... just ask the Russians. But fear not: Obama is not growing weary, even if his party is. He plans for U.S. troops to be there for at least three more years, beating the Soviets by a year and a half. He states that we will not leave before the job is done. By the way: does anyone know what the job is?

Due to its mountainous terrain (among other factors) there has never been an effective, centralized government in Afghanistan, with the possible exception of the East India Company. The area is nothing more than a barren pile of minerals, a line of demarcation between warring ethnic factions. If Obama really thinks Bin Laden is still hiding in the hills there, don't send more U.S. soldiers into harm's way to look for him; send mining companies. Within a few years of strip mining, there won't be anywhere left for the b*stard to hide.

SEALing THEIR FATE

Four U.S. SEALs have been accused of the mistreatment of another poor Islamic prisoner, one Ahmed Hashim Abed. This fella claims he was punched in the mouth during his detainment by the members of SEAL Team 10. One of the soldiers, Matthew McCabe, has been charged with assault. You probably have never heard of McCabe, but you might remember Abed from a 2004 incident during which four U.S. contractors were murdered, burned, dragged, and hung from a bridge over the Euphrates River under his orders. The SEALs have given our mamby-pamby, Obama-era military the finger and demanded Courts-Martial (facing criminal charges and possible jail time) rather than administrative discipline.  And get this: they are to be arraigned on DECEMBER 7th! Good for them for standing up! If these SEALs don't win their case against the Obama Administration's witness - fellow Muslim Ahmed Hashim Abed, we all need to march to Washington and defend the men at home who are defending us abroad!  And I mean march armed to the teeth.  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

This despicable treatment of our soldiers comes from the post-Abu Ghraib, we're so sorry for being Americans attitude that has only intensified under the current administration. ('W'-ers out there rest assured that the previous administration was guilty of this, too - just to a lesser extent.) Don't humiliate the enemy, they tell us. You will just make them angrier. Don't humiliate them? You mean like this?

This administration tells us we no longer can waterboard because it is cruel and inhumane.  Besides, they tell us, it is not an effective way to get information and could suggest to people we are not compassionate.  You mean like this?

I'm going to address waterboarding for just a moment. I saw Mancow do a little bit on it. He apparently (I don't listen to his show) was a big fan of it until he tried it himself in-studio:

So Mancow admits that waterboarding is torture.  Well, he forgot to ask these 4 questions:

1. Yeah?
2. And?
3. So?
4. What?*

Why in the Hell would I care? Is waterboarding torture? Possibly. I don't really know the definition. I can tell you this: Waterboarding by no means looks like a pleasant experience. In fact, it is so bad that it is probably among the top 5 reasons that I'm not a scumbag, Hell-bound, militant, Islamic terrorist today. I say the only way you do waterboarding wrong is if the piece of garbage terrorist gets up afterward. It is my understanding that we actually only waterboarded one individual (a bunch of times, grant you) and it worked... remarkably well. It worked so well that we only had to threaten one other individual with it before he started singing about terrorist cells and info. If waterboarding some Muslim dink saves just one person from a fate like this...

...bring me an ironing board and a pitcher of water! I have compassion. It makes me passionate. And maybe it makes a SEAL passionate from time to time.

To all other SEALs out there: In the future, you take the future "Objective Ambers" out there, cut off their toes or noses or whatever to get information - or not - then put a bullet in their head... followed by another. We need you protecting us, not wasting your time in disciplinary hearings or Courts-Martial. Oh, and "Thank You" to all of you from all of us.

*And thanks to Bill Hicks for not objecting to me stealing from his joke.


HIGHER A-SPIRE-ATIONS

Remember the Chicago Spire? This massive, 2000-feet high skyscraper was to be the third tallest building in the world, and tallest residential structure ever. The project's financing collapsed with the current economic downturn, with little hope of it ever becoming a reality. Until now...

The AFL-CIO is now looking at raising more than $100 million to get the project going. Why? Because some of their union members are facing 30% unemployment rates. This project would provide over one million man-hours of labor at a time when it is greatly needed. The work, that is, if not the building.

At a time when people are losing their homes because they are overextended, is it wise to build a luxury residential high-rise, a monument to fiscal irresponsibility?  A Cortlandt Homes Project for the 2000's?  I think not, so I have a better suggestion. Why not build a wall like we have been talking about in this country for the last ten years?

This will be something practical, something useful, something with purpose.  It will get these union guys working again... they will like that. It will protect the citizens of this country from a horrible enemy. And it will help insure the economic integrity of the U.S. for generations to come.

I'm not talking about a wall to keep gardeners and meat packers south of the boarder.  And I'm not talking about a wall to keep emergency room visitors and weekend gamblers to the north.  I'm talking about a massive wall, some 50 feet high, made of concrete, steal, and whatever else that can be scrounged, impervious to human efforts to blast through, cross over, or tunnel under, email and phone signal-proof, sealed, and left forever. Something that will make the Great Wall of China look like a Christo and Jeanne-Claude installation.  I'm talking about building a wall around Washington, D.C.

Now, that's construction that would help this country.

CROSS LINES

I just got off the telephone with a nice woman working for Verizon. This morning I have been trying to pay a wireless bill on a phone that is used by one of our contractors.  The internet bill pay is down for some reason, so I called an 800 number off my paper bill. Here's how it went down:

"Welcome to Verizon Wireless. If you're a Verizon Wireless customer, enter the ten digit number you are calling about... Bienvenido a Verizon Radiofónico... Ønskevelkommen til Verizon Wireless..."
*beep-deep-boop-dip-dip-boop...*

"If you would like to pay a bill please press 1."
*dupe*
"If you would like to pay the bill in full, please press 1."
*dupe*
"If you would like to continue the call in Hindi, please press 1.  Otherwise, please stay on the line."

"You have made no selection. Did you not mean to not make any selection at this time? Press 1 for yes."
*dupe*
"Please hold for a Hindi translator, or press 0 for an operator-"
*eep*
*eep*
*eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-eep-eep-eep-eep-eep*
 "I em saying to you, good morning. My name is called Steve and I would be helping you today. Kindly tell me what is your good name, sir?"

*click*

So I called another number and went through no less than four automated transfers on at least six different Cray Supercomputers.  The system asked me if I wanted to continue service by paying the bill now.  There was no choice involved... I was to press 1 or, presumably, sit and listen to the infinite conch shell sound on the other end of the line for all eternity.  I pressed 1.  After the third or fourth time that I was looped through this question it transferred me to the Spanish computer. Fortunately, there was a true choice here as indicated by the words "uno" and "dos."  Unfortunately, the words "uno," "dos," and "cerveza" are the only Spanish words I know.

*click*

I called the sales line thinking sales people are always ready for a call.  Automated system, again.

"Press 1 if you would like to speak to a sales representative about new Verizon Wireless service."
*dupe*

Get this: I pressed 1 for NEW SERVICE and the system then demands that I enter my ten-digit Verizon Wireless number.  Do they only sell new service to pre-existing clients??!!  Do I have to be my own reference to get cellular service now?  How do I GET new service if I don't HAVE new service?  Okay, I'll play the game:

*beep-deep-boop-dip-dip-boop...*
"You have entered BR-549. If this is correct, please press 1."
*dupe*
"Welcome to Verizon Wireless. There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza-"
*CLICK*

I'll spare you the indignities of the next hour and a half, but I eventually got Stephanie on the line.  She helped me with the bill (the process took less time than it takes to boot up my desktop).  At the end of the transaction I gave her a brief synopsis of the problem and told her I would be transferring this cell phone number to another company at the end of the contract specifically because of the automated answering system.  I was polite to Stephanie (please don't yell at phone reps - believe me, they DO NOT create corporate policy or design/purchase automated answering systems) and asked that she pass the complaint up the chain.  She commiserated with me and assured me she would.

I encourage all of you to do the same.  Perhaps if enough of us complain we will no longer have to put up with having to communicate with computers. Had I reached a human in the first place, my work would have been done in minutes and I wouldn't be wasting time writing this blog.  The phone company would have had its bill paid quickly and they would have saved all of that money they spent on the automated answering system - I find that I usually have to reach a human when I call because the computer has already failed to solve my problem online.  And as for you, you'd be reading a humorous article about pre-Thanksgiving Christmas decorations right now.

I know there are some of you out there who are also tempted to put in a complaint about "Steve" from New Dehli.  I discourage you from doing that.

To "Steve" I'd say this: I don't mind that you're in another country... just don't insult me by pretending you live in my neighborhood. I know your name isn't Steve! Use your real name, Rasesh.

To Steve's employer: Possessing technical knowledge is not the whole picture, here. Make sure Steve can communicate in a dialect we can understand.

And to those who don't like talking to "Steve" when you call customer service: Hey, at least he's not a computer. Those jobs are sought after in India, while Americans will hardly stoop that low.  That's why they've all been farmed out overseas.  But fear not, your time is coming. A couple more years of 10% unemployment in this country and someone in India is going to hear:

Howdy, y'all!  Thank's fer callin' the hep line.  M'name's... uh... Ray-sheesh? Wha'cha need?

This 'n That

I've been off the computer the last couple of days because of a terrible infection. Some dunderhead decided to write a program that would worm itself onto my computer at work to pop up warnings that some program was trying to worm itself onto my computer. A horrible mess that is still ongoing. At home, my wife's computer got the same. I have hidden all weekend in the corner of my closet, clutching all my electromedia protectively.

Here's the deal: anyone who writes a virus should be executed. It is a horribly insidious thing to do, not to mention supremely cowardly. I consider it the digital equivalent of torturing neighborhood cats, a great identifier of the sociopath in the making. I say kill the hackers before they start trying to have drifters for dinner.

Over the weekend Barack Obama made new strides in alienating himself from the American public. His proponents bragged that he was finally going to conduct one of those Town Hall Meetings he promised during the campaign. His detractors couldn't resist pointing out that it was being held in China.

But before reaching out to his comrades in the People's Republic of China, he participated in another event of his Worldwide Limbo Contest, this time defeating 5'5" Emporer Akihito of Japan. It should be remembered that the undefeated Obama stooped before the Saudi Crown Prince just last April, showing the world he could bow lower than the 5'6" Abdul-Aziz.

His greatest challenge will be his upcoming bout against North Korea's Kim Jong-il, measuring just 27" at the shoulders.

The wait is nearly over; The Twilight Saga: New Moon opens in theaters everywhere this Friday. Do you remember when you could identify a vampire by his hideous fangs...

... rather than his pouty eyeliner?

HELTHКAЯE ЯEFORM (Part 9)

THE GREATEST OFFER ON EARTH!!!

Don't wait! Sign up NOW!

Announcing the formation of the Home Appliance Cooperative. From this day forward you will never again have to worry about having to wash your dishes by hand, eat your bread untoasted, or heat your dinner on the stove. Sign up now and you will be part of the program. Here's how it works:

Each member will pay into the Home Appliance Cooperative a low monthly fee. This money will be pooled into a central account, so it is important that everyone participate. Anyone in your neighborhood who is not a member will be fined and that money will sift down into the account.

In the event that any member's appliance goes out, the Cooperative will repair or replace said appliance free of charge, immediately. Of course, there may be a little delay due to processing and determining which affected appliances get seen to first, but the Cooperative will have a system in place that will look at keeping the system as efficient as is likely given the complexity of the problem and nature of the issues involved and other things you really probably wouldn't understand and don't really need to know about.

Let it be known that all members of the Cooperative will pay the same monthly fee, regardless of the quality or age of their appliances. Of course, members who earn more than $500,000 per year will be subject to a small surcharge.

No one will be denied membership based upon the condition or age of their appliances, or their personal history of appliance failure.

Pre-existing conditions are not a factor for membership. This means that even if your appliances are very old, have had multiple repairs in the past, or have recently gone completely out, you are free to join the Cooperative at the standard membership fee; we will replace/repair those appliances.

There will be a governing board over all similar cooperatives. You do not have to remain with any particular cooperative for a set amount of time. For instance, if your stove goes kaput and you then join the Home Appliance Cooperative, your stove will then be replaced. You have no obligation to remain with that particular cooperative, even if you have only made one monthly membership fee payment. The membership fees of the other members of that cooperative will cover the cost of your appliance. You are free to go on to the Cooperative of Home Appliances, or any one of the many regulated private cooperatives, or you may choose the public option, GAC, although the membership fees for it are a bit higher.

And don't worry if this sounds more like a pyramid scheme than a cooperative; it's not insurance, either.

PS: My brother-in-law happens to sell home appliances, so all cooperative appliance purchases will be made from Chip's Home Appliances & Charity Bingo Hall. Chip assures me he will offer the best prices and highest quality... trust us.

HELTHКAЯE ЯEFORM (Part 8)

Ignoring all pleas and protests to the contrary, the House formally known as 'of Representatives' has passed a 1990-page Healthcare Reform Bill, ready for Senate approval. The final vote was 220-215, with 39 Democrats voting against it, and only one Republican voting for the bill. With numbers like that it is clear Nancy Pelosi is doing everything in her power to make sure the whole of the American public is behind this, and that nothing is ramrodded through Congress against the will of We the People...

I'll cover some of the highlights of the bill over the next few days, but for now, let's try to get a handle on this price tag: $1.2 trillion or, if you're not into the whole brevity thing, $1,200,000,000,000.00.

How much is that, really? What is that number? Well, it's what is going to have to be spent on this health care overhaul. It's the amount that is going to be added to our national debt; therefore, it's what your kids will be repaying. Remember those 7th graders from Part 7? Yeah, they're the ones who will have to pay. Well, just how much is $1,200,000,000,000.00? Good question. Let's put it into perspective.

Imagine that you were to be paid $1.00 for every second of the day. One dollar per second. In one minute you'd have earned $60.00. Pretty sweet, huh? In an hour you'd have earned $3,600.00. Really sweet, right? Let's expand that same rate on out a little further:

Day = $86,400
Week = $604,800
Month = $2,600,640
Year = $31,536,000

Wow! Now I would take that! Who wouldn't? Heck, that's about 1.5 times the $19 million that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is worth. It's hard to even imagine that much money, but that's what you would have if someone paid you $1.00 for every single second of the year. Enough to buy any car you wanted. A mansion. Jewelry. Servants. A second iPhone. Anything.

And if you paid that much - $1 for every single second of the year - toward that Health Care Bill? Why, you'd have it paid off in just 38,452 years.

38,452 years.

Say that out loud: Thirty-eight thousand, four hundred and fifty two years. Go on, say it again. In fact, say it out loud to your 7th grader: Thirty-eight thousand, four hundred and fifty two years.

I know, that's pretty dramatic. Nobody gets paid a buck a second. Well, that's not completely true. The apolitical Tiger Woods makes a little over $3 dollars a second, and Barack Obama's campaign manager Oprah Winfrey rakes in $8.72 per second. (It would take Oprah a mere 4,364 years to pay off the Health Care Reform Bill.)

Of course, statistics suggest that your little middle-schooler, as talented as he/she is, will not grow up to be either the greatest golfer or the biggest gabber of all time. In fact, statistically speaking, he/she will grow up to make $18.60 per hour, during the work week. That comes out to a yearly salary of $38,390.40. Not bad, but not quite enough to cover the $1.2 trillion tab in one lifetime. In fact, it will take him/her 31-million, 257-thousand, 814 and one-half years to pay off the House's health care reform. Go ahead and say that one out loud:

31,257,814 and 1/2 years.

Before you point out that it's the whole of the population and not just one person that will be paying the tab, consider that at the average salary it will take 400,177 lifetimes to pay it off, if every single cent of salary were put toward it. But given that the average worker doesn't put in a full 78.11 years worth of 40-hour weeks, but more like about 45 years worth, the total comes to around 700,000 lifetimes. Do the math... I've given you the links. Now, who works a lifetime with absolutely no personal gain, all of the fruits of their labor going to someone else? Slaves, that's who. It looks as though this bill will create the equivalent of three-quarters of a million slaves in this country. Which ones will it be? Mostly, the ones not even old enough to vote yet.

There are those who will pooh-pooh this blog, claiming that this country can't afford NOT to pass health care reform legislation. Now, I'm just a regular Joe, working a job and raising a family. My wife is a regular Jane doing the same. With the money from our two jobs we often use the phrase, "How are we going to afford...?" As in:

How are we going to afford Christmas presents for the kids?
How are we going to afford that repair on the truck?
How are we going to afford braces?
How are we going to afford propane for the winter?
How are we going to afford groceries next week?

We use those phrases often, but I can't remember one single time in my LIFE that I've ever used the phrase, "We can't afford NOT to..." I just can't understand that mentality, especially when talking about $1.2 trillion of our children's money.

Maybe I could understand it if I was worth $19 million.

HAVE YOU BEEN TESTED?

I was sitting in church this morning when it occurred to me that I have never been tested.

When I was nine years old my dog disappeared... just before we moved out of state. A few years later the dog we had was sold while I was at camp. My older brother moved 760 miles away from us when he was 16 and I was just 11. I broke my leg early in my sophomore football season, and my finger on my birthday during the next spring training. A friend died from an automobile accident while I was in high school.

I have never been tested.

I made it through Hell Week at Texas A&M. I made it through three knee surgeries and, eight months later, field training. Around that same time another friend died in an automobile accident. I got married, lost my Air Force contract, and my son almost died when he was born a few months later.

I have never been tested.

I left my job working for my dad's company, scared to death that it would reflect poorly on him. I took a job at one third the pay, my wife left me for God knows what, and I went through a horrible divorce. I lost my retirement and everything else I have ever worked for fighting for my children in court.

Yet, I have never been tested.

All four of my grandparents have died. When she was just nine years old my daughter told her mother she wanted to live with her. A judge ordered my children split apart and sent my daughter to live with her mother in another state. My son misses his sister dearly.

Still, my faith has never been tested.

My parents are still alive, as are both of my brothers. Although my daughter lives in another state, I see her as often as possible. My son is with me, and as a result of my marriage to a wonderful woman, he has two loving step-brothers. I am blessed to be where I am and with whom I spend my days. I thank God for this every day. And no matter what hardships I've endured in the past, I do not deserve to have all that I have and to be where I am in the world.

I have never been tested.

No doctor has informed me that part of my body is trying to kill me and must be removed.

I have never been tested.

My wife Benita is beginning a project to interview and photograph survivors of breast cancer.

They are being tested.

None of them deserves to be where they are in the world. While I find it easy to give thanks to God each and every day for what I have... could I do the same if I had what they have? No, I could not give thanks for it. But could I be sure that God was still there with me? Could I be sure that he still loved me? I've been through so much less in my life and wondered so much more.

Benita hopes that her project might help them, if only to give hope or comfort. I know Benita; her friendship will do that. Her sense of grace will bring warmth to a cold and lonely situation. I hope that her photographs can reveal the beauty that is still there in each of the women she reaches. And perhaps her faith can bring assurance that God is still there.

If you know anyone who might benefit from being a part of this project please contact Benita through her website:
http://www.asweetlifestudio.com/

KEEP AN OPEN MIND...

13 Dead

30 Wounded

Major Nidal Malik Hasan in custody

Over the next few days or weeks you will hear and read much about soldier-on-soldier violence. These events are not so isolated as the American public is led to believe. The stress of redeployments is pushing soldiers over the edge. The strain on members of the military is reaching a critical mass. Just how big a problem is ethnic harrassment in the U.S. military? Yes, all of this and more will be bandied about in the media.

What you are unlikely to hear, at least outside the "right wing nut" arena, is that any and every soldier that is a member of Islam, converted to Islam, or professes to be associated with Islam should be immediately and permanently removed from the ranks of the military. No excuses. No questions asked. No hesitation. Any soldier who suspects another should turn him or her in.

This may very well raise a lump of prejudice and/or injustice in your throat. It's okay. You've been conditioned to react that way. It is time that military leadership, though, cough up those lumps and concentrate on security and warfare. One step that needs to be taken is getting Islam out of our military... the military that is fighting a war against Islam.

Since 9/11 we have all heard officials tell us that this is not a religious war. We all have known that that is bunk. Whether or not this country wants to admit it, Islam is at war with anyone and everyone that does not embrace Islam. Don't just take my word for it: look around at the statements coming from the Muslim community each time something like this happens. They are always generic, generalized, and never quite say, "This Voilent Act was Bad and WE Renounce it in the name of ISLAM." Read them.

Let's look at it another way. If a man went into a town square, let's say Mecca, and blew himself and 40 mothers and children to pieces in the name of Christ, would you hesitate to declare it an evil act and that it had nothing to do with you, Christ, or Christianity? I can renounce The Great Crusades at any time and often have. A dark period in our history, but it was not the result of the belief of most Christians and certainly not under the directive of Christ. Islam is a religion of war and killing, a religion in which the only assured salvation is through killing for Muhammad, the warrior-founder who was not sure of his own salvation. As for salvation through Christ: follow Me and love one another.

Is it a war in which we demand Muslims to convert to Christianity? No. We just don't intend to let them kill all of us for not being Muslim. And if we are to fight them successfully, we need to eliminate them from our ranks, just like any other enemy. Would you go to war against Canada with a bunch of Canadians in your army? Of course not!

Don't worry about soldier morale: we do the same thing with spies. Ruskies don't show up in leather trench coats and eye patches. Soldiers have to be weary of them on or off base. Why? Because they are the enemy and will do anything to infiltrate our forces and damage our ability to defeat them. Is it so unreasonable to recognize that Muslims are willing to do the same? The difference is that a Russian spy may decide to defect on political grounds. A jihadist can only defect through religious conversion... without that, he is still a warrior for Muhammad.

One of the primary principles of warfare is to understand your enemy's objectives and motivation. The U.S. has had a poor track record of doing this. We tend to superimpose Western ideals and our own objectives over the tops of those of our enemy's. We did it with the American Natives, but our numbers and technology made up for it. We did it with the North Vietnamese to terrible consequence. Those are just two of many examples. Can we afford to keep adding to the list? We need to eliminate from our ranks those that are sympathetic to, or outright members of, our enemy's cause.

This isn't a matter of individual rights, freedoms, or feelings. Soldiers sacrifice their claims to those when they join the military... any military. It is the nature of the beast. Out of a sense of gratitude, shouldn't we demand policy that helps protect our soldiers from our enemies?

So, keep an open mind, America... but not so open that your brains fall out.

Those Were The Days...

Last weekend the wife and I picked up a new DVD: Looney Tunes - The Spotlight Collection Vol. 1 (Premiere Edition), and we've been happy ever since. Actually, we were happy before, but now we are happy with some great cartoons to watch. This came about because we caught one of those Bugs Bunny Halloween Specials on The Cartoon Network. This was one of those where they took several "spooky" episodes and strung them together. Those are okay but they're no substitute for the real thing, kinda like listening to a greatest hits album after growing up memorizing every sound in the origianl track layout: it just leaves you uneasy and unsatisfied.

Back in the olden times when I was growing up (we're talking the 1970s here) we lived for Saturday morning cartoons. Let me back up a little and set the scene. Back in the 70s there was no such thing as cable television, and satellites were what the Russians used to shoot us full of radiation and Яed propaganda. This meant that there was no programming for pre-teens or teens at all. We went straight from watching Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood to 60 Minutes at the age of seven. That was it. With the exception of Saturday mornings.

In the mid-70s my family had moved into the Villa Glen Apartments in Bessemer, Alabama. [I have to take a little aside here. I have not thought about those apartments in many, many years. Really didn't intend to mention them in the blog, and certainly not by name. I barely had a concept as to where in Bessemer they were located, or if they even still existed. I don't remember how long we lived there, but when we moved in I was on a tricycle and when we moved out I was still using training wheels, so... On a whim I decided to look them up. Sitting here in my bed, within five minutes I not only found the name and address of my former residence, I am taking a virtual tour of them in a Google car. I lived there about the time my profile photo was taken... it would be another two years after that before Mattel Football would be introduced. Ain't technology grand?]

Villa Glen had everything a young boy could ask for back in the 70s. We would jump our bicycles over the speed bumps. We traded Matchbox cars. We destroyed Johnny West action figures. We played in the dumpsters. (Looking at the online photos it doesn't appear that much has changed around the ol' Villa Glen Estates.) I broke my collar bone jumping off our bunk bed there. Oh, and I busted my head on some bookshelves and got stitches during one of my birthday parties. Come to think of it... Villa Glen was a terrible place to live. Why am I even telling you about it? Oh yeah... Saturday mornings.

My older borther and I would get up around 5:00 AM and begin our day. There was no television that early, only test signals. I don't think those exist anymore, kids, so just imagine your Playstation booting up for an hour and a half. To pass the time we'd go into the kitchen and fix a bowl of cereal. Honeycomb was our favorite. Now, I'm not talking about those little crumblets from the 80s, no bigger than a Fruit Loop. I'm talking about the old Honeycombs from the Honeycomb Hideout with Big Betty. Remember those? Big enough to choke a horse!



We had one of those ubiquitous round dining room tables, the ones that split in the middle to accept a leaf for Thanksgiving, and had that hollow "barrel" between the top and the base. Our army men would fall off the top of that barrel (we spent a lot of time playing army men under tables and Hot Wheels on the backs of couches back then) and disappear into the void inside. We'd all be waiting around like vultures when family came to visit, ready to retrieve our soldiers when the table was pulled apart to install the center leaf.

My brother and I would sit at this table every Saturday morning eating bowl after bowl of Honeycomb and draw. Yep, that's it. Just draw. A spiral notebook or two, some pencils, crayons or colored pencils (depending upon our current grade in school), and our imaginations. We had to use those way back then before Nickelodeon and The Disney Channel came about. The sugar from the cereal may have had an impact on my artwork, but my older brother was definitely the one that got me started down the road of art appreciation. My mother saved some of our stuff from those days and passed it on to me. (Thanks, mom. And I am doing the same for my kids.)

This was probably one of my brother's drawings, although I'm not quite sure. The one below is definitely mine. They are probably from the early Billy Carter Era. I think you can tell that thanks to the influence of great movies like Convoy and Corvette Summer, sidepipes and CB radios were integral parts of our visions of the world.

Here's another Saturday morning creation that was in the stack. I'll go ahead and take full credit for this one, although Sheb Wooley probably deserves a tip of the hat. I have no idea how old I was when I drew this. I sure wish I had documented it in some way:

I think the scene may have been playing out on Mars, but who can be sure?

After we got finished drawing it was time for about two hours of Saturday morning cartoons, with The Bugs Bunny/Roadrunner Hour being the central hit. My brother would also watch Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle, but I was too young for it to hold my interest. Everything worked out, though: my brother had reciprocal feelings about Sigmund and the Sea Monsters.

They just don't make shows like that anymore... hopefully.

THE DADDY DIARIES

Several of my friends and family have had babies of late, and they've all been scrambling for information... or at least confirmation that their child is normal and their parenting skills are adequate. Women have a slew of resources out there, from new mommy books to old mommies themselves. But guys? Not so many sources. You can seek parenting advice from your friends, but that's probably not a very good idea.

You can turn to a family member, like an uncle... but again, that's probably not a very good idea.

In recent years a new alternative has popped up: Daddy Boot Camps. In these "boot camps" coaches and/or experienced dads teach daddies-to-be the finer points of being a dad, like how to swaddle, how to change diapers, how to burp, and how to bathe infants. I'm against these. Not because they don't provide good advice - I wouldn't know; I did it the hard way - but because I'm cheap. Why pay good money for someone to teach what comes somewhat naturally to most folks?

Still, there are questions, but fear not... I have answers.

THE DADDY DIARIES

As a guy who's been there and done that... twice, I want to pass on to my fellow man-dads out there the knowledge I gained going through it all. Most of the information here is nothing more than you will observe on your own, but perhaps it will give you confidence in those moments you find yourself wondering just what the hell is going on and what in the hell you did to get yourself where you are.

Childbirth is usually not that difficult for the dad-in-waiting, so I really just have one piece of advice. If you are in the delivery room (which I recommend), when you hear the word 'episiotomy' (which you will), turn the other way (which I highly recommend).

In caring for infants there are really only two things a father needs to know: if it's a boy, wipe up; if it's a girl, wipe down. That's pretty much it. For all other needs just listen to the kid's mother. Mothers can tell the difference between a 'hungry cry' and a 'pain cry' - or so they claim. It's neither here nor there. As long as you do what the mother says you likely won't get blamed if the baby becomes gangrenous or emaciated. And in the end that's all we can hope for: not that our child will turn out normal (which it won't), but that we won't get blamed if it turns out weird (which it will).

Once you get your newborn home you will notice that it seemingly has no control over its head or limbs, doesn't react to the sound of your voice, and takes absolutely no interest in your existence. Don't be alarmed... this is perfectly normal. This stage of development will end when your child is about 1 month old... then start again at the age of 13 years.

Be gentle with your newborn, but not obsessively so. It is a well-known fact that babies are made of rubber. That being said, they don't make very good basketballs. Try not to drop them too often.

When food is consumed by an adult there are two ways it can come back out of the body, and 99.99% of the time you know which way that will be. Be warned that that rule is suspended for babies: there are no less than six different ways, including the tear ducts, that food - at any stage of digestion - can come back out of a baby. This can happen at any time and without warning. Usually, though, there will be a lag time after each occurrence, so the best time to hold your new child is immediately after it pukes on your sister.

Babies ooze. Even when they aren't spitting up or pooping their diapers, an endless supply of unidentifiable goo leaks out of every baby orifice. This is another good reason not to be in the presence of a baby without its mother. Let her clean it... she is equipped to handle the situation. Be forewarned, though: close your eyes! This woman - the one who turned out the lights and placed a box of Wet Wipes next to the bed when the two of you were making said baby - this woman will reach over with her bare hand and scoop viscous liquids off your baby's nostril without so much of a pause. If you want to look into her eyes and feel the desire to hold her close, close your eyes when the baby starts oozing.

Babies sleep, you don't. It kills me when I see brand new parents get googly eyed over how cute their sleeping baby is. Give it a few weeks. That's no sleeping baby... it's a stick of dynamite. When you coax the little buggar off to neverland, all you are doing is lighting the fuse. You lie down in bed and try to count sheep, but the whole time you're thinking:

How long will it be? Will I get to sleep an hour? Four hours? Dare I dream! No! Two hours. Yes, two hours will do. Please, Lord, put the baby in a coma... for two hours. That's it. I just need a little rest. I can't feel my feet and the backs of my ears are burning. What was that? Oh, God, is that the baby??!! No, just the wind. Please, Lord, don't let it wake up. Why did we have to have a baby? What were we thinking!! No, no, I love the baby. She's so sweet. Please, Lord, make it sleep...

You're going to be overwhelmed with the desire to take pictures of your baby from the second it leaves the hospital. That is okay. You may take all of the photos that were taken of you when you were a child. Being held. Sleeping. Rocking. Bathing. Spread-eagled on the changing table (thanks, daddy). Click until your heart's content. Then stop. After about three months you need to put the camera away. Everyone else will have lost interest in even seeing your baby, so you should've lost interest in taking photographs of it by then. If you don't believe me look back at your baby photos. Go on, look. There isn't a single one from after those first hairs popped out on your head until those first teeth started falling out of your mouth, is there? That's the way it is supposed to be, so put away the iPhone and stop updating junior's Facebook page.

You will notice, sooner rather than later, that you will begin to hate your baby. Do not be alarmed. This is again perfectly normal. Men in general do not mix well with babies. We envision teaching a child to track, shoot, and kill. We dream of being the mentor who shows the tyke how to change out a carburetor on a '69 Camaro. How to use a bow and arrow, make a pair of stilts, and go ice fishing (even if it's a girl). Babies can't do any of that, so don't feel bad about not liking it. All they can do is wobble around like a rag doll, which is exactly what your wife wanted when she decided to have a baby. She will care for it, feed it, and make sure it doesn't poke itself in the face with a lawnmower. In a few years that baby will be old enough for you to begin teaching it all those things you wanted to pass on... which is about the time your wife will have lost interest in it altogether. Ah, the circle of life is a beautiful thing.