The End is Nigh

New Years is just hours away, so I thought it might be time to do a retrospective of 2010. Then I decided not to - too much work. Instead I am just going to pick one story.

Do you remember Bernie "Made Off" Madoff? He was nabbed two years ago for orchestrating a $20 billion Ponzi scheme that left a huge number of investors and greedheads bereft of retirement funds. He was back in the news earlier this month when his son committed suicide on the anniversary of his arrest. It was really a horrible story for all involved.

Are you familiar with Ponzi schemes? They were named after Charles Ponzi, a dapper young Italian immigrant who spent many years in prison for his swindles. It seems that Ponzi schemes have once again become all the rage in this country. From Florida to California, people have been suckered into these things. If the 80's were "The Decade of Greed," the 00's have been "The Decade of Less Work and Skill for More Return." And that's what all Ponzi schemes have in common: the "victim" has to be after a little somethin' for nothin'. Maybe not at the beginning... but eventually.

Here's how a Ponzi Scheme is structured:

First, the orchestrator comes up with a great investment backstory. This could be a mutual fund, a retirement system, land grabs, or any other example from the limitless capacity of the human mind to dream and believe. He then includes suggestions, claims, and/or documentation of huge returns on the investment. That's critical... it's got to be bigger or more secure than the open market can guarantee, otherwise he won't find any investors.

The second and even more critical element is a continuous and escalating flow of "investors." I emphasized that term because it suggests the person wishes to minimize risk. In reality they are acting much more like speculators, without all the disposable funds to throw into high risk situations. So, Ponzi victims are speculators of relatively modest means who can only continue with their activities by telling themselves nothing can go wrong... even after the orchestrator has left the country or entered the penal system.

And this is how it works:

The first "investors" pour their retirement funds, dream house account, kids' college savings, and life insurance policies into the ponzi vehicle. The orchestrator then takes those funds and pours them into New York apartments, yachts, women half his age, and a team of crooked accountants. As the early investments mature and the orchestrator's lifestyle becomes more expensive, additional investors are brought in to pay out the previous investment funds. This continues until... well, until the whole thing collapses.

Of course, you all know about Ponzi Schemes thanks to Bernie Madoff. His Ponzi scheme came in to the tune of $20 billion dollars. His investors, like all Ponzi Scheme victims, had to actively and consciously ignore warning signs, like investments that didn't mature completely, payouts that were late or always forthcoming, excuses as to why returns weren't as high as promised. For all of that, he received a sentence of 150 years. But why even bring him up? He's soooo 2009.

This year it was announced that Social Security dependents would not be receiving their cost of living increase. Social Security has pulled in $13.8 trillion and is still about $16 trillion in the hole. Don't you think it's high time we put an end to the largest Ponzi scheme in the history of this country and start handing out prison sentences already?

WAITING FOR THE MOTHER SHIP

Like the Bandit and Snowman, we are westbound and down... without the beer, bootlegging, and Trans Am. We do have a dog, but she's a lab/doberman mix. Anyway, we're getting ready to head to Texas. That means we are feverishly doing all the things there are to do here that we've had years to do but haven't. Tonight we went to see Elf at the Alabama Theater. An incredible place, and you can read all about our adventure on Benita's blog.

As part of the move preparation I have been collecting good reasons to leave this state and city (Alabama and Birmingham respectively). Here's a good one brought to you by one of our local news stations. Nineteen-year old Shawn Demetric Foster has been charged with attempted murder for shooting an Alabama State Trooper in the leg and arm and a six-year old boy in the back. Take a look at his mug shot. If you find yourself in as much trouble as young Shawn here, and can still muster a look as defiant and insolent as his, I think you should be taken out back and shot. I'm making the call - you are not going to be rehabilitated. You will come out of jail an even worse waste of flesh and oxygen. You should not exit. You need to be shot out back. Or just build the barrel into the mug shot camera: I'll trust the booking officer to make the call.

Speaking of people who should be shot: They burned down the Birmingham Christmas Tree. Look, I know it's not exactly Rockefeller Square, but it's all we've got. And as a testament to our vibrant Alabama economy, scrappers came in and burned down our holiday spirit while trying to strip the tree of its copper. They were trying to get the copper out of the light cords, used gasoline to do so and then... well, as the fire triangle tells us:

gasoline + dry Christmas tree + an Alabama public education = this:

"Merry Christmas, firehouse!"

And speaking of incredibly stupid people, a cop arrested a couple who were cooking methamphetamines. Could happen anywhere these days right? They were discovered because they swerved into oncoming traffic (i.e.: cop car). WHILE DRIVING A GARBAGE TRUCK! I kid you not. Read about it. What's not mentioned in the article is the name on the side of the truck. I won't call them out by name because of legal reasons, but my wife passed them on her way home... not far from home. I was pleasantly surprised to see them pull up in front of my house the next Monday as they usually can't seem to make it after a long weekend.

Now that cop had a pretty good day, while across town another cop was having a not so good day. While in the process of searching for a missing person her purse was stolen FROM HER CAR by a kid SHE WAS QUESTIONING! Reacting quickly, our hero took her foot off the brake and wrecked her squad car into a telephone pole in an attempt to confuse the youth... or cause him cramps from laughing. In any case, the ploy worked and he was arrested. They are still searching for his accomplice, who was last seen bent over with milk spewing out of his nose.

When I said I was waiting for the Mother Ship, it's not just to leave Alabama... I think it's time to leave this planet. There's a group - The Center for Biological Diversity - that intends to spend our tax dollars by suing the Interior Department if/when it does not reintroduce the beautiful and majestic gray wolf across the lower 48 states. Meathead Noah Greenwald, Endangered Species Director for the group and proud Portland resident (big surprise there), was quoted as saying:

Wolves once roamed nearly the whole country and down into Mexico, but at this point there [sic] just in a fraction of that range.

Right you are, Noah. They were all over North America, just like the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Do you really want that God-forsaken lizard reintroduced into our environment? Probably. Look, Noah, I know life is peaceful and green amongst the spotted owls and ferrets of the Upper Northleft, but here in the real world wolves have been wiped out for a damn good reason: they eat relatively large meaty things that are slower than them... like children. I know you'd like to think this turns into this when it gets around people, but the reality is it turns into this. I say if you or any other commune-hopping hippie wants them reintroduced, we start with your kid's school yard.

As for me, this is the only howling wolf I want to hear.

HISTORY WILL VINDICATE ME

History will vindicate me.

No, I didn't say that. My ego is much too large to wait for history to do its job. That's why I reference my own work so much in these little news updates. It was George W. Bush, referring to his tenure in the White House, who claimed that history would vindicate him. He did it with that little sneering laugh. You remember the one? Like a Paul Lynde/Muttley conglomeration. (I hated that laugh. Like my son says: If no one else is laughing at your joke, don't take it as a cue to laugh yourself.) Well, it looks like he didn't have to wait for history to do the job.

Ironically enough it looks like his vindicator is turning out to be the very person who ran on the platform, “Because W. did it wrong and I will change everything.” That's right, Barack Obama himself is committed to showing that George Bush was right.

His most recent action toward this end was informing his own political party that the only way we can climb out of the current economic recession is by extending the evil Bush Era Tax Cuts. Mark one up for the fiscally conservative.

Of course, before that Obama declared the Iraq War (the one he voted against) a victory while simultaneously furthering the pursuit of an unwinnable war in Afghanistan. That's another check for the Republicans. Oh, and his current strategy in Barack's War? A troop surge à la George W. Bush. (snicker)

And if all of that weren't enough, he has repealed the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy that W so famously refused to address. This was the policy that Bill Clinton enacted that ended up getting reams of homosexuals expelled from the US Military. Wacked by a fellow Democrat.

History, Mr. Bush? Barack Obama has vacillated you. Go ahead and give one of your laughs. You've earned it.

A Clue to the Crimes

Sweden was hit by terrorist attacks on Saturday during the Christmas shopping season. While police are stopping short of declaring the two explosive attacks Islamic in nature, the following audio file was sent to the Swedish news agency hours before the bombings:

Now the Islamic state has been created. We now exist here in Europe and in Sweden. We are a reality... I don't want to say more about this. Our actions will speak for themselves.

Sweden's Prime Minister Fredrik Reinfeldt had this to say about the incident:

[The attack] is unacceptable because Sweden is an open society and an open society which has stated a wish that people should be able to have different backgrounds, believe in different gods or not believe in any at all, and live side by side in our open society.

I have the following to say to the Prime Minister (and the people of Sweden):

Fred, I have here at my desk a clue. I'm taking out a Sharpie pen and am writing "Islam" on it. I will place the clue in a package and send it international post to you. When you receive it, take it out of the envelope, hand it to your personal secretary, and have him toss it to you. Catch the clue, Fred. Catch the clue. I appreciate your view of how the world and your own country should operate. I really do. In fact, I would love to live in such a society... theoretically. However, countries have borders because not everyone shares those opinions. Those borders define states for the rest of us. Without them, any state can be declared. And when that happens, the state of your own country changes. Don't just take my word for it... reread the suicide bomber's own words.

That's Not What Your Mother Said

I've always had rather odd viewing habits. If you've read this blog at all you know that I typically do not watch what Neilson indicates I should. Well, that's not entirely true. I've been a fan of The Office, South Park, George Lopez, and House Hunters (and International). I'm not really sure how popular those last two are, but you should give them a try. It's a great way for anti-social hermits like me to hate on other peoples' tastes.

The difference between me and the typical Neilson schlub is that I tend to wait until everyone else has been watching a show for years before I begin. I find that gives the actors and writers time to work out all the kinks. My wife and I will pick one up and watch it religiously in syndication. That way we don't have to make sure we're in front of the television next Tuesday at 7:30 to find out what became of the...

The latest target of our devoutness is How I Met Your Mother. This show stars Neil Patrick Harris (as a sex-fiend) and several other people (including the flute girl from American Pie). It revolves around the empty lives of 5 young New Yorkers as they try to find... something or other in between one-liners. Really, it's just ironic to see NPH playing a ladies' man, though perhaps the gayest person on the show is the guy married to the flautist. The whole show is narrated by the older version of one of the characters as he is relating the story of How I Met Your Mother.

Now, normally it takes a while for a show to jump the shark for us. With two reruns playing back-to-back five nights a week, George Lopez hung in there for a good three months. The Office was there for almost six, though Benita hated it at the beginning and end, so I guess about two months for her. House Hunters slips in and out of our lives the closer we get to moving. But How I Met Your Mother has set a new standard: three weeks.

The fall started with realizing that 95% of the action takes place in a bar and the other 6% in various bedrooms. Not that there's anything wrong with that (Seinfeld lasted about 2 years), but these are stories being told to this guy's kids. Do like my grandfather did and lie - I always wondered what he was doing in bars drinking a glass of milk or a Dr. Pepper. There are other problems with ...Mother, like the time I paid attention to the credits and discovered the narrator is Bob Saget... ugh.

What I do like about the experience is the length of time involved. Three weeks is very efficient. We owe this to the fact that we could watch this show on two different channels, no less than six episodes a day. At one point I found myself flipping back and forth between two episodes running at the same time. Yeah, I know... Benita told me. But if modern technology could be used for good, this is it.

I don't want to own these shows, but if Netflix or someone could rent me a selection of episodes scientifically designed to take me through a Clockwork Orange-esque treatment of a show over a long weekend, it would free up my late night schedule for more *ehem* important activities... like writing blogs.

Healthy Dose of Change... I Hope

Good Reader, you may have noticed some changes around the old blog lately, namely, a striking absence of me. This reflects some of the changes in my personal life, with more to come. I do plan to get back to the blog in a more consistent way, but then, Napoleon planned to win at Waterloo.

My purpose today is to reprint the first three paragraphs of an AP story penned by Ricardo Alonso-Zaldivar:

WASHINGTON – When Democrats passed President Barack Obama's health care overhaul, they used Medicare cuts to pay much of the cost of providing insurance to millions of uninsured.

Now, lawmakers scrambling to stave off a scheduled 25 percent cut in doctors' Medicare pay on Jan. 1 plan to reverse the flow. They're tapping financing for the health care overhaul to keep Medicare from breaking down.

The $19 billion will help pay doctors at current rates for another year. It will come mostly from tightening the rules on tax credits in the health care law that make premiums more affordable, according to an agreement reached Tuesday by Senate leaders of both parties.

Sooooooo... let me just see if I have this right. In order for Barack Obama to get his Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act passed, he had to cut Medicare. But hey, more Americans would have affordable health insurance as a result, right? Problem solved. But now doctors aren't going to get paid by Medicare, which will mean there won't be enough doctors left (funny how nobody likes to work for free). No problem, we'll pay them with the money we were going to shave off of insurance premiums to make them more affordable. Problem solved!

I could go on, but I predicted all of this back in March.