The End is Nigh

New Years is just hours away, so I thought it might be time to do a retrospective of 2010. Then I decided not to - too much work. Instead I am just going to pick one story.

Do you remember Bernie "Made Off" Madoff? He was nabbed two years ago for orchestrating a $20 billion Ponzi scheme that left a huge number of investors and greedheads bereft of retirement funds. He was back in the news earlier this month when his son committed suicide on the anniversary of his arrest. It was really a horrible story for all involved.

Are you familiar with Ponzi schemes? They were named after Charles Ponzi, a dapper young Italian immigrant who spent many years in prison for his swindles. It seems that Ponzi schemes have once again become all the rage in this country. From Florida to California, people have been suckered into these things. If the 80's were "The Decade of Greed," the 00's have been "The Decade of Less Work and Skill for More Return." And that's what all Ponzi schemes have in common: the "victim" has to be after a little somethin' for nothin'. Maybe not at the beginning... but eventually.

Here's how a Ponzi Scheme is structured:

First, the orchestrator comes up with a great investment backstory. This could be a mutual fund, a retirement system, land grabs, or any other example from the limitless capacity of the human mind to dream and believe. He then includes suggestions, claims, and/or documentation of huge returns on the investment. That's critical... it's got to be bigger or more secure than the open market can guarantee, otherwise he won't find any investors.

The second and even more critical element is a continuous and escalating flow of "investors." I emphasized that term because it suggests the person wishes to minimize risk. In reality they are acting much more like speculators, without all the disposable funds to throw into high risk situations. So, Ponzi victims are speculators of relatively modest means who can only continue with their activities by telling themselves nothing can go wrong... even after the orchestrator has left the country or entered the penal system.

And this is how it works:

The first "investors" pour their retirement funds, dream house account, kids' college savings, and life insurance policies into the ponzi vehicle. The orchestrator then takes those funds and pours them into New York apartments, yachts, women half his age, and a team of crooked accountants. As the early investments mature and the orchestrator's lifestyle becomes more expensive, additional investors are brought in to pay out the previous investment funds. This continues until... well, until the whole thing collapses.

Of course, you all know about Ponzi Schemes thanks to Bernie Madoff. His Ponzi scheme came in to the tune of $20 billion dollars. His investors, like all Ponzi Scheme victims, had to actively and consciously ignore warning signs, like investments that didn't mature completely, payouts that were late or always forthcoming, excuses as to why returns weren't as high as promised. For all of that, he received a sentence of 150 years. But why even bring him up? He's soooo 2009.

This year it was announced that Social Security dependents would not be receiving their cost of living increase. Social Security has pulled in $13.8 trillion and is still about $16 trillion in the hole. Don't you think it's high time we put an end to the largest Ponzi scheme in the history of this country and start handing out prison sentences already?

WAITING FOR THE MOTHER SHIP

Like the Bandit and Snowman, we are westbound and down... without the beer, bootlegging, and Trans Am. We do have a dog, but she's a lab/doberman mix. Anyway, we're getting ready to head to Texas. That means we are feverishly doing all the things there are to do here that we've had years to do but haven't. Tonight we went to see Elf at the Alabama Theater. An incredible place, and you can read all about our adventure on Benita's blog.

As part of the move preparation I have been collecting good reasons to leave this state and city (Alabama and Birmingham respectively). Here's a good one brought to you by one of our local news stations. Nineteen-year old Shawn Demetric Foster has been charged with attempted murder for shooting an Alabama State Trooper in the leg and arm and a six-year old boy in the back. Take a look at his mug shot. If you find yourself in as much trouble as young Shawn here, and can still muster a look as defiant and insolent as his, I think you should be taken out back and shot. I'm making the call - you are not going to be rehabilitated. You will come out of jail an even worse waste of flesh and oxygen. You should not exit. You need to be shot out back. Or just build the barrel into the mug shot camera: I'll trust the booking officer to make the call.

Speaking of people who should be shot: They burned down the Birmingham Christmas Tree. Look, I know it's not exactly Rockefeller Square, but it's all we've got. And as a testament to our vibrant Alabama economy, scrappers came in and burned down our holiday spirit while trying to strip the tree of its copper. They were trying to get the copper out of the light cords, used gasoline to do so and then... well, as the fire triangle tells us:

gasoline + dry Christmas tree + an Alabama public education = this:

"Merry Christmas, firehouse!"

And speaking of incredibly stupid people, a cop arrested a couple who were cooking methamphetamines. Could happen anywhere these days right? They were discovered because they swerved into oncoming traffic (i.e.: cop car). WHILE DRIVING A GARBAGE TRUCK! I kid you not. Read about it. What's not mentioned in the article is the name on the side of the truck. I won't call them out by name because of legal reasons, but my wife passed them on her way home... not far from home. I was pleasantly surprised to see them pull up in front of my house the next Monday as they usually can't seem to make it after a long weekend.

Now that cop had a pretty good day, while across town another cop was having a not so good day. While in the process of searching for a missing person her purse was stolen FROM HER CAR by a kid SHE WAS QUESTIONING! Reacting quickly, our hero took her foot off the brake and wrecked her squad car into a telephone pole in an attempt to confuse the youth... or cause him cramps from laughing. In any case, the ploy worked and he was arrested. They are still searching for his accomplice, who was last seen bent over with milk spewing out of his nose.

When I said I was waiting for the Mother Ship, it's not just to leave Alabama... I think it's time to leave this planet. There's a group - The Center for Biological Diversity - that intends to spend our tax dollars by suing the Interior Department if/when it does not reintroduce the beautiful and majestic gray wolf across the lower 48 states. Meathead Noah Greenwald, Endangered Species Director for the group and proud Portland resident (big surprise there), was quoted as saying:

Wolves once roamed nearly the whole country and down into Mexico, but at this point there [sic] just in a fraction of that range.

Right you are, Noah. They were all over North America, just like the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Do you really want that God-forsaken lizard reintroduced into our environment? Probably. Look, Noah, I know life is peaceful and green amongst the spotted owls and ferrets of the Upper Northleft, but here in the real world wolves have been wiped out for a damn good reason: they eat relatively large meaty things that are slower than them... like children. I know you'd like to think this turns into this when it gets around people, but the reality is it turns into this. I say if you or any other commune-hopping hippie wants them reintroduced, we start with your kid's school yard.

As for me, this is the only howling wolf I want to hear.

HISTORY WILL VINDICATE ME

History will vindicate me.

No, I didn't say that. My ego is much too large to wait for history to do its job. That's why I reference my own work so much in these little news updates. It was George W. Bush, referring to his tenure in the White House, who claimed that history would vindicate him. He did it with that little sneering laugh. You remember the one? Like a Paul Lynde/Muttley conglomeration. (I hated that laugh. Like my son says: If no one else is laughing at your joke, don't take it as a cue to laugh yourself.) Well, it looks like he didn't have to wait for history to do the job.

Ironically enough it looks like his vindicator is turning out to be the very person who ran on the platform, “Because W. did it wrong and I will change everything.” That's right, Barack Obama himself is committed to showing that George Bush was right.

His most recent action toward this end was informing his own political party that the only way we can climb out of the current economic recession is by extending the evil Bush Era Tax Cuts. Mark one up for the fiscally conservative.

Of course, before that Obama declared the Iraq War (the one he voted against) a victory while simultaneously furthering the pursuit of an unwinnable war in Afghanistan. That's another check for the Republicans. Oh, and his current strategy in Barack's War? A troop surge à la George W. Bush. (snicker)

And if all of that weren't enough, he has repealed the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy that W so famously refused to address. This was the policy that Bill Clinton enacted that ended up getting reams of homosexuals expelled from the US Military. Wacked by a fellow Democrat.

History, Mr. Bush? Barack Obama has vacillated you. Go ahead and give one of your laughs. You've earned it.

A Clue to the Crimes

Sweden was hit by terrorist attacks on Saturday during the Christmas shopping season. While police are stopping short of declaring the two explosive attacks Islamic in nature, the following audio file was sent to the Swedish news agency hours before the bombings:

Now the Islamic state has been created. We now exist here in Europe and in Sweden. We are a reality... I don't want to say more about this. Our actions will speak for themselves.

Sweden's Prime Minister Fredrik Reinfeldt had this to say about the incident:

[The attack] is unacceptable because Sweden is an open society and an open society which has stated a wish that people should be able to have different backgrounds, believe in different gods or not believe in any at all, and live side by side in our open society.

I have the following to say to the Prime Minister (and the people of Sweden):

Fred, I have here at my desk a clue. I'm taking out a Sharpie pen and am writing "Islam" on it. I will place the clue in a package and send it international post to you. When you receive it, take it out of the envelope, hand it to your personal secretary, and have him toss it to you. Catch the clue, Fred. Catch the clue. I appreciate your view of how the world and your own country should operate. I really do. In fact, I would love to live in such a society... theoretically. However, countries have borders because not everyone shares those opinions. Those borders define states for the rest of us. Without them, any state can be declared. And when that happens, the state of your own country changes. Don't just take my word for it... reread the suicide bomber's own words.

That's Not What Your Mother Said

I've always had rather odd viewing habits. If you've read this blog at all you know that I typically do not watch what Neilson indicates I should. Well, that's not entirely true. I've been a fan of The Office, South Park, George Lopez, and House Hunters (and International). I'm not really sure how popular those last two are, but you should give them a try. It's a great way for anti-social hermits like me to hate on other peoples' tastes.

The difference between me and the typical Neilson schlub is that I tend to wait until everyone else has been watching a show for years before I begin. I find that gives the actors and writers time to work out all the kinks. My wife and I will pick one up and watch it religiously in syndication. That way we don't have to make sure we're in front of the television next Tuesday at 7:30 to find out what became of the...

The latest target of our devoutness is How I Met Your Mother. This show stars Neil Patrick Harris (as a sex-fiend) and several other people (including the flute girl from American Pie). It revolves around the empty lives of 5 young New Yorkers as they try to find... something or other in between one-liners. Really, it's just ironic to see NPH playing a ladies' man, though perhaps the gayest person on the show is the guy married to the flautist. The whole show is narrated by the older version of one of the characters as he is relating the story of How I Met Your Mother.

Now, normally it takes a while for a show to jump the shark for us. With two reruns playing back-to-back five nights a week, George Lopez hung in there for a good three months. The Office was there for almost six, though Benita hated it at the beginning and end, so I guess about two months for her. House Hunters slips in and out of our lives the closer we get to moving. But How I Met Your Mother has set a new standard: three weeks.

The fall started with realizing that 95% of the action takes place in a bar and the other 6% in various bedrooms. Not that there's anything wrong with that (Seinfeld lasted about 2 years), but these are stories being told to this guy's kids. Do like my grandfather did and lie - I always wondered what he was doing in bars drinking a glass of milk or a Dr. Pepper. There are other problems with ...Mother, like the time I paid attention to the credits and discovered the narrator is Bob Saget... ugh.

What I do like about the experience is the length of time involved. Three weeks is very efficient. We owe this to the fact that we could watch this show on two different channels, no less than six episodes a day. At one point I found myself flipping back and forth between two episodes running at the same time. Yeah, I know... Benita told me. But if modern technology could be used for good, this is it.

I don't want to own these shows, but if Netflix or someone could rent me a selection of episodes scientifically designed to take me through a Clockwork Orange-esque treatment of a show over a long weekend, it would free up my late night schedule for more *ehem* important activities... like writing blogs.

Healthy Dose of Change... I Hope

Good Reader, you may have noticed some changes around the old blog lately, namely, a striking absence of me. This reflects some of the changes in my personal life, with more to come. I do plan to get back to the blog in a more consistent way, but then, Napoleon planned to win at Waterloo.

My purpose today is to reprint the first three paragraphs of an AP story penned by Ricardo Alonso-Zaldivar:

WASHINGTON – When Democrats passed President Barack Obama's health care overhaul, they used Medicare cuts to pay much of the cost of providing insurance to millions of uninsured.

Now, lawmakers scrambling to stave off a scheduled 25 percent cut in doctors' Medicare pay on Jan. 1 plan to reverse the flow. They're tapping financing for the health care overhaul to keep Medicare from breaking down.

The $19 billion will help pay doctors at current rates for another year. It will come mostly from tightening the rules on tax credits in the health care law that make premiums more affordable, according to an agreement reached Tuesday by Senate leaders of both parties.

Sooooooo... let me just see if I have this right. In order for Barack Obama to get his Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act passed, he had to cut Medicare. But hey, more Americans would have affordable health insurance as a result, right? Problem solved. But now doctors aren't going to get paid by Medicare, which will mean there won't be enough doctors left (funny how nobody likes to work for free). No problem, we'll pay them with the money we were going to shave off of insurance premiums to make them more affordable. Problem solved!

I could go on, but I predicted all of this back in March.

T Minus 6 - Democraps & Republican'ts

We're coming up on another election day and I know many of my friends are downright giddy about the opportunity to make another change in this country. Of course, there are others out there who are still working on the last change and its 1000 points of darkness and turmoil. Let's hope the future is much better for all of us.

With the time remaining before the elections I want to offer some guidance on how to vote. I am aware that most of you reading this had decided long ago how you were going to vote, so I really don't need to convince you. There may be, however, some out there who - like me - are against voting straight-ticket. There also may be some of you that can stand the company of libs long enough to have formed some kind of 'friendship' with one or two. (Be careful: it's like befriending a chimpanzee. Sure they're close, but that 2% of the DNA can be a critical distinction!) For those, I'm going to reveal how I'm going to vote so that perhaps you, good reader, can change some minds.

Only one time in my life have I voted straight-ticket. That was the first national election I could participate in. I didn't really like the presidential candidate but he was the closest thing to a legacy that existed at the time. So I voted for his team right down the line. I've always felt odd about voting straight-ticket on that election. Quite frankly, it has bothered me for 20 years now. I am a bit of an Election Day nerd. I show up at the polls with a piece of paper full of notes and names. This is information I have obtained by researching the candidates and determining which receives my support. If there is no one in a particular race with whom I share principles I simply refrain from casting a vote in that particular race. My only steadfast rule is that I have never voted for a Democrat, and I never will.

That probably doesn't surprise any frequent readers of this blog, but the reason may surprise some of you. I don't avoid the Donkey Party because of it's love of big, intrusive government, or tax-and-spend economics, or liberal agendas. Republicans are guilty of all of those attributes as well. I refuse to vote for a Democrat because of the party's history of racism and segregation. Plain and simple.

But this year I will be voting straight-ticket Republican... and I strongly encourage you to do the same.

Believe me, I will feel as bitter walking out of the polling station this year as I did in 2008, but I am going to do what I have to do. For far too many elections I feel like it's been a choice between a cold or pneumonia. Voting has been like treating gangrene. The lesser of two evils. Lord, for once I'd like to open that curtain with a broad, proud grin on my face. But alas, it just doesn't look to be in the books right now. Given the two parties that exist in the realm of reality (I don't discount the Tea Party, but it has so far, thankfully, decided to take back the GOP rather than split-the-vote a la Ross Perot), the Republican Party at least rubs up against my personal convictions every once in a while, so I will be casting a vote for every Republican I can. Here's why you should, too.

This is a census year which means congressional districts are due to be redrawn. Guess who draws them? Your state legislature, the local boys. The question you need to ask yourself is not 'which one do I want in District 47 this year?', but rather, 'which part of the county do I want voting for me over the next 10 years?' Choose wisely.

For the national level I'm going to expound on an analogy my friend Brent tossed my way. Imagine you are floating in a lifeboat out in the middle of the ocean. There's nothing for thousands of miles except nothingness and sharks circling your boat. You have a gun because you defended the 2nd Amendment in every election, but due to a run on ammunition because of a recent election, you only have one bullet. There are two other people in the boat with you. One is sitting down with a pocketknife and is poking and picking at the wood in the bottom of the boat, slowly causing it to splinter. The other is standing up in the boat, taking full, broad swings at the bottom of it with a mighty axe. With each swing the wood breaks apart, pieces flying about and cracking, and the sharks begin to frenzy.

Now, who are you going to shoot?

This is the state of our economy right now. Do you remember how Ronald Reagan had a hard time selling his tax cuts to Congress and the public back in 1982? Congress wanted to increase taxes and deficit spending in order to stimulate the economy. Reagan stuck to his guns and created the longest economic upturn in our history. The current cast of misfits has gone right back to the practices of Jimmy Carter that landed us in such dire economic straights in the late 70's and early 80's, and are now telling us we haven't bled enough for their system to work. That we need to spend more. That the last stimulus has been paid back (I'll address that lie in another post) and that it really should have been bigger. It was just enough to get us back to where we were before George Bush destroyed the economy. All of the same garbage the media and Congress claimed in 1982.

Me? I'm aiming my vote at the axe wielders - the Democrats. I know you will, too, but that isn't enough.

Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert will be speaking in front of 100,000 people this weekend, and speak to millions more every week. We like to think that Rush and Bill and Glenn offset this, but the fact is the audiences of all of these are not swing voters. No fan of Jon Stewart is going to vote for a Conservative, anymore than a Beck fan is going to vote for a commie. The way the swing votes are affected is through the "real" news and family & friends. You carry that burden - talk to family and friends and neighbors and postmen and Facebook friends and whoever else you come in contact with and try to show them the way.

Or just forward them a link to this blog: edwardgroberts.blogspot.com

National Floozie League

Women have no business there: Football is the realm of men. From the competitive violence on the gridiron to the grunts and hurrahs of the fanatically devoted, football is all about testosterone, aggressive action, and sophomoric posturing. It’s all about being one of the guys.

I know there are female fans of our nation’s second favorite pastime, just as there are male fans of the Women’s Tennis Association, but to suggest the respective fan bases are comprised of significant members of the opposite sex would be truly obtuse. That’s why Hank Jr. doesn’t perform at the US Open. Football is a release for the warrior fantasies of men. It’s so ingrained in our Y-chromosomes that we even invented a fantasy version of our fantasy-based obsession. Nothing could be more definitely manly than that.

So what was the leadership of the National Football League thinking when they chose model Marisa Miller as the league’s new spokesperson? I know what the marketing department was thinking, I’m not blind. What is the fastest way to get a male football fan’s attention? A sign that reads “All You Can Eat Wings.” The second fastest is to put a cute girl up on the screen. But I have to ask: Do we really need another woman in football?

Look, I’m not trying to crush the goals of girls who dream of kicking an extra point. And I’m not trying to marginalize the woman who works hard to climb the corporate ladder of any organization, be it a team or an entire league. I’m talking about the pouring of estrogen onto and around the field of play by way of female reporters and commentators. I’ve yet to see a woman drafted to play nose guard for any NFL team, not even the Detroit Lions, yet they are all over the sidelines giving us analyses of what this sprained ankle or that pulled tendon could mean for the second half. And I have to say it usually centers on the ridiculously obvious. We need former players down there to tell us what is going on. Besides, they need the work.

As a former NFL player, if you are somewhat intelligible and reasonably good looking – or your name is Terry Bradshaw – you have a job as a network analyst or color commentator. If, however, your post-career penchants focus more on prostitutes and bankruptcy, you will be working very hard interviewing weak-side guards and assistant trainers on the sidelines just for the chance to cover the Great Turkey Toss in November. It’s hard work but what’s a fella to do when all he knows is shooting the gap, picking the option, and snorting cocaine? But now Victoria’s Secret girls are taking all of those jobs. What’s a former jock to do? As the league is facing an offseason-ending strike from the players’ union next year, one might expect the league to be more protective of former players’ livelihoods, if for no other reason than strength at the bargaining table.

And let’s not forget the obvious: Roger Goodell has made it clear that he will stop at nothing in putting an end to the public perception that the NFL is full of misogynistic pervs and cheats, from quarterbacks who text coworkers to nude players harassing female reporters embedded in locker rooms. While his is indeed an admirable goal, and I’d never defend these players’ behaviors on the grounds of the victims’ proximity to credulous circumstances, is throwing another pretty temptation into the lion’s (or steeler’s or jet’s) den such a good idea? Do women really belong there in the first place? What would be the reaction if the tables were turned?

Maybe the WTA will let me cover the women’s locker room at the US Open next year.

In the News...

Rahm Emanuel, the oft-controversial Chief of Staff of the Obama Administration, has announced that he will be leaving his post. Seems he got to wondering how he could possibly be involved in a government office more self-serving, more crooked, and worse for its constituency than the one currently occupying the White House. He apparently found his answer and will announce today that he is running for the Mayor of Chicago.

I don't know what kind of Mayor Emanuel will be (I don't think it really matters in Chicago), but I do hate to see him go: he's good for news. As long as everyone on Capitol Hill is a worthless scumbag, might as well keep the entertaining ones. Before he steps down let's revisit a few of his more memorable quotes:

• I don't want to go negative on Franklin Delano Roosevelt, but he didn't pass an economic deal in the first 100 days. We have passed the largest Recovery Act in the history of the country.
• You never let a serious crisis go to waste. And what I mean by that it's an opportunity to do things you think you could not do before.
• I believe the record I was allowed to help establish by the side of the president was important.
• There's no safe Republican district. You can run, but you cannot hide.

The loud-mouthed and empty Emanuel will be replaced Pete Rose, the gambling drunk who... oh, wait. Pete Rouse. Nobody knows much about him. Quiet. Insider. Experienced. Described as a "fixer." Of course, that's a fixer of perception, not of bad policy. I'd rather have Pete Rose in there.

Speaking of people who will never make it into the Hall of Fame...

Self-appointed KISS pimp Gene Simmons is hot after his "band" was snubbed from nomination to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Although they have been eligible since 1999, only one nomination has been bestowed upon the 70's powerhouse, but alas they did not rack up enough votes. The King of KISS tried to make a good point about the band's legitimacy:

"There's nobody in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame -- in fact, if you took all of them and put them together -- they couldn't match all the licensing and merchandising we've done and the legacy we've left."

Good try, Gene, but for some reason it just comes out rather self-serving and shallow. And I must have missed the part about music. This year not even Simmons' work on the forthcoming Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock could muster enough enthusiasm to give the band a nod. The 61-year old vampire is excited about the new video game, claiming it features everything from Queen to KISS - the whole gamut. Whoa! You mean everything from glam rock to glam hard rock??!! WOW!

Looks like the KISS Army really has to get their act together if this band is ever going to be recognized for something other than what it always has been.

And speaking of armies that have no real-world legitimacy...

The Iranian Revolutionary Guard received its first shipment of flying boats this week. This is indeed exciting news for Iran, and any anglers who have been searching for a way to level the playing field while hunting the elusive flying fish. The boats will likely be used for surveillance and several news conferences before being completely ignored by the Obama Administration... just like Iran's nuclear program.

The sight of these boats conjures up another image in my memory banks, but I just can't place it.

Oh yeah... that's it.

A Burning Sensation

The first thing they teach you in journalism school is to keep your pen as light as a feather when covering touchy subjects such as freedom of religion. There is nothing in the world, they tell students, that will fill an editor's inbox faster than the suggestion that religion is passé or one is better than another. And if you are writing about Islam, get ready to lose a cartoonist or two before the death threats and bombings subside.

Fortunately, I majored in management with a ridiculously strong emphasis on military history, so screw the terrorist Muslim scum. I'll speak my mind, thank you very much.

Now, I want to be perfectly clear on this: I believe in and fully support the principal in this country that the government should never interfere with a people's desire to gather for religious ceremony. I also believe those religious orders have no business trying to strong-arm the government and trample on individual rights. And I also believe that Islam is not a religion, but rather a blood-thirsty evil Cult of Death, Fear, and Hatred. Is that clear enough?

You may have read this week about a Reverend Terry Jones down in Florida who was planning to burn several hundred copies of the Qur'an on Saturday to mark the 9th anniversary of Islam's Attack on the World Economy (failure) and Sensibility (success). This has caused no small number of significant public figures to bemoan his right to do so while imploring him to show true Patriotic spirit by cowing down to those who have murdered, are murdering, and will continue to murder Americans in the name of Islam.

I'm not here to defend Terry Jones: I know nothing about him. For all I know he is a Jew-hating psychopathic religionist who embezzles money from gullible non-thinkers through the false guarantee of divine deliverance. And I have no intention of defending his right to burn a book, because I just can't really get behind book burnings myself - unless it's really cold out and the book is really pointless, like the Qur'an. No, I'm here to talk about the outpouring of support for those that would have us all dead.

Let's start with General David Betrayus. He has claimed that the act of burning these Qur'ans would put American soldiers in harm's way. I don't want to speak for any soldiers but I don't see that not burning Qur'ans has kept them out of harm's way, General. Do you honestly think that bowing down to our enemies all over the world and allowing them to build victory mosques on battlefields is a way to strengthen our soldiers' defense? I'll tell you what puts soldiers in harm's way, Dave: putting an automatic weapon into the hands of a 19-year old Ohio farm boy, sending him to a violence-plagued cesspool that has never had a sustainable central government - not even under the iron fist of the Soviet Union, putting in place restrictive policies, and demanding that he be an ambassador of the United States to the very people trying to kill him! Quit expecting him to do your worthless Secretary of State's job! His is hard enough:

"Johnny! Remember what we did when the wild hogs were threatening the crops? Do the same thing to the Muslims, boy, then get back home!"

Do you remember when a political soldier was someone like Omar N. Bradley (The G.I.'s General, our last 5-Star General, and by God one helluva fine American who knew what it was all about - taking care of his boys)?

"George, you know we need to kick their asses and I know we need to kick their asses... but you can't say to Congress, 'We're going to kick their asses.' You've got to be delicate when talking to Washington. Now, let's go kick their asses!"

That was it. That was as far as politics got into a real soldier. But with Colin Powell all the rules changed. They started wanting to be political advisers. Started thinking they should be handling policy. Generals who wanted to shape international diplomacy. No! Go kill, break, and suppress. Protect your soldiers through aggressive maneuvering and attacks. When your forces sit still - literally or figuratively - the danger they are exposed to increases exponentially!

[Please don't write in and defend McCrystal, either. By his own admission he voted for Barack Obama, a Muslim. That would be like Ike voting for Joe Kennedy. And if that weren't bad enough, his favorite beer is Bud Lime. Dude... Bud Lime? Tough, soldierboy. Real tough.]

And speaking of our Supreme Muslim Leader, Barack Obama has decided to weigh in on the issue with... look, is there even any point in covering what you all knew would happen? Hope & change, hope & change.

The last one I want to cover is the response from Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, the guy pushing for the mosque to be built near Ground Zero. Terry Jones has postponed the Dove World Outreach Center's Qur'an Burning and Covered Dish Supper pending the relocation of the proposed mosque to be called Cordoba. Again, I don't want to speak for anyone, so I will let the Imam speak for himself via this article from ABC News:

"My life has been dedicated to peacemaking... If I knew this would happen, that this would cause this kind of pain, I wouldn't have done it."

But, he explains, he must build the mosque at the original site in order to defend us against "danger from the radicals in the Muslim world to our national security."

"We have freedom of speech, but with freedom comes responsibility. ... This is dangerous for our national security, but also it is the un-Christian thing to do."

"I am glad that Pastor Jones has decided not to burn any Korans... However, I have not spoken with Pastor Jones or Imam Musri [a Florida imam purported to have acted as a go-between]. I am surprised by their announcement. We are not going to toy with our religion or any other. Nor are we here to barter. We are here to extend our hand to build peace and harmony."

"I'm less concerned about the radicals in America (anyone against the building of the mosque) than the radicals in the Muslim world."

"Our national security now hinges on how we negotiate this."

Who negotiates what? Is this Muslim really telling us what would be Christian? Peacemaking? Does this remind anyone else of that Mel Brooks song?

I don't want war! All I want is peace... peace... peace!

A little piece of Poland,

A little piece of France,

A little piece of Austria

And Hungary, perchance!

A littel slice of Turkey

And all that that entails,

And then a bit of England, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales!

Are there any questions about what this mosque represents? About what Islam's opinion of America is? About how we should proceed? Still not sure whether or not we are in a religious war against Islam? Are you sitting on the fence? Are you a Muslim?

If you are a Muslim, the last thing in the world I'd want to do is convert you into my belief system. You'd probably just screw it up and give it a bad name anyway. But I will ask you to go through the same process I put myself through: look closely at and study objectively all of the beliefs put into your head by others. Ask yourself: Does my religion truly represent who I am as a person?

In my case I had to throw some supposed tenats of my religion out. Some were just things that many who claimed to be like me felt. Others were dead wrong. And still others are tightly held beliefs of the church, but I just can't buy into them. Don't worry - God and I have discussed these issues in depth and we're okay with it. At least, I am. He has the perogative to disagree with me in the end. But for now, I have to live with myself.

As a Muslim you don't have to ask yourself things like:

• Is drinking an alcoholic beverage in moderation really evil?
• Do I need to stay pissed at the Jews forever?
• Do the Romans share any blame for the death of my Savior?
• Does prophecy render all of those feelings moot anyway?

But you might want to ask yourself things like:

• Do I really believe burning people alive is a God-ly activity? [WARNING: That link is VERY graphic - I made myself watch it and several others on the site, but they absolutely made me physically ill. If it doesn't make you ill, you might be a Muslim - scumbag. And if it doesn't make you angry, you are not human.]
• Should women really be beaten on a regular basis?
• If my children go through a rebellious stage does murdering them make me a better parent?

Again, I'm not telling you how to live your pathetic, evil life... I'm just suggesting an alternative to death and hatred.

In the meantime, The Western World needs to stop Muslims from building victory monuments and financial centers in this country or any other, eliminate their training grounds, and beat them into submission... or extinction - whichever is required for survival.

I know this has been an uncharacteristically heavy posting for me, but it's hard to take this subject matter lightly. Still, I am a professional who is committed to his audience. So, in deference to Jeff Foxworthy, I give you the following:

How to tell if your religion is really a blood-thirsty cult:

If when you proclaim "God is great" people react with fear, you may be part of a blood-thirsty cult.

If your spiritual leader beats women and married children, you may be part of a blood-thirsty cult.

If the only guaranteed passage to paradise is by murdering someone in the name of your god, you just might be part of a blood-thirsty cult.

If you've ever flown an airplane full of innocent people into a building full of innocent people to demonstrate your faith in God, you perhaps should consider the possibility that you just might be part of a blood-thirsty cult.

If you've ever cheered at news that a small boy has blown himself and 30 or 40 market goers to pieces, and yet are outraged when someone 8500 miles away threatens to burn a book printed, sold, and purchased 8500 miles away, I'm pretty sure you are part of a blood-thirsty cult.

If you hate South Park... you're just kind of stupid and take yourself way too seriously.

And finally, if you are a Muslim, you are part of a blood-thirsty cult. May you be buried face down under a dog, and may Hitler and Jeffery Dahmer play marbles with your... well, I wouldn't want to offend anyone.

GOD BLESS THE SOLDIER - THANK YOU!

-FOR ALL THAT YOU ARE, AND ALL THAT YOU DO-

Pardon My Blasphemer

WWJWD?

I guess I was hooked with Raising Arizona. Anyone who casts Tex Cobb in a feature film wears a soft spot onto my heart, but aside from that, it was just a great movie. The Coen Brothers established themselves as a force to watch. (For my fellow Bruce Campbell fans out there, Joel Coen helped edit The Evil Dead.) Time and time again the Coen's have proven their success is no fluke: The Hudsucker Proxy; Fargo; O Brother, Where Art Thou?; No Country for Old Men; and of course, The Big Lebowski. I've left out a few I haven't seen, several I hadn't heard of, and their recent disappointing foray into green politics. But by and large, these guys make great films.

Their latest project running is a remake of 1969's True Grit. Some of you may have heard of this movie before. It featured Robert Duvall, Dennis Hopper, Glenn Campbell, and some big cowboy guy. (I wouldn't have thought there was anyone on the planet that hadn't seen True Grit, but leave it to Matt Damon to surprise us all with a gem like this: "I've never even seen the original John Wayne movie... our movie is totally different." Wow! Turns out his spin as genius Will Hunting was a helluvan acting job.) True to form the Coen's will be reaching into their designer Clint Eastwood School of Casting Bag to re-cast some friends, among them Jeff Bridges as Marshal Reuben J. Cogburn.

I never thought I'd live to see a Duke movie be remade. He's just too much of an icon. John Wayne always played John Wayne. There is no other interpretation. Period. I mean, we all love our Elvis Impersonators (recently discovered I have one in the family), but there are no John Wayne-a-likes. This just doesn't make sense. Now... having said that...

If anyone could pull this off... Parents, please take your children out of the room... Sensitive folks please stop reading now... I am warning you that the blasphemer is forthcoming... Tim, I'm sorry, man... if anyone could pull off filling the Duke's boots in this particular role, The Dude can.

I know, I know. Lightning crashing, flames building, gnashing of teeth. But you have to admit that Jeff Bridges has become pretty darned good at playing a fat, slovenly, crude drunk. He pulled off portraying Waylon Kristofferhaggard very well. Dude Lebowski - say no more. There was Wild Bill, The Fisher King, and... come to think of it: this guy gravitates toward drunks like Susan Sarandon to sluts.

Anyway, to you fellow Duke fans, at least now we'll be able to pooh-pooh someone else for playing that part, instead of shaking our heads every time Rooster Cogburn comes on TV.

SHE'S BA-AAAAAACK!

Speaking of rolls, it has been announced that Rosie O'Donnell will be returning to television on The Oprah Network. I don't know when or how because I didn't read any of the story behind the headline. I just wanted to point out that we are so completely over-saturated with "entertainment" outlets today. I used to be able to say there are television series I had never watched. Then there were television channels I had never tuned into. Now, there is going to be an entire Network that will completely escape my attention.

Oh wait, I forgot about the WB.

HE'S BA-RAAAAACK!

Grab your seat, this is gonna shock you! It seems that more people today believe Barack Obama is a Muslim than when he took office. It's true - you can read it here. (Almost as surprising is an AP writer referring to the Pew Research Center as "nonpartisan.") According to this article the percentage of respondents "who correctly say he is a Christian is down to just 34 percent." Pitiful.

Get this through your heads people! President Barack Obama is a Christian. Accept it. Get real. Look, it doesn't matter that he doesn't attend a Christian church... well... ever. Do you go to church every Sunday? It doesn't matter how many Muslim leaders around the world he bows to. He's just being respectful and open to our international 'friends.' Do you really think he wants a mosque built at Ground Zero? No! He said he just feels Muslims have the right to celebrate their victory just like anyone else. Like the way we celebrate VJ Day or the 4th of July or Christmas.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs put the issue to rest today:

I have spoken with the President on this issue. He wanted me to assure the American people that he is 100% Christian... and that if anyone claims otherwise he will declare Jihad on them and cut their heads off!

There you have it.

The Man Behind the Mosque

The construction of a $100 million mosque is in the works in New York City, just blocks from the site of the 9-11 terrorist attacks. A mosque, for those of you who may not know, is a religious center for people who follow Islam. Islam, for those of you who may not know, was founded by Muhammad, a thief-turned-religious-warrior who married a nine year old girl... who married a nine year old girl. The group wanting to build the mosque is led by Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, whom you may remember for his interview on 60 Minutes after September 11, 2001, in which he asserted the "United States policies were an accessory to the crime that happened."

The latest hurdle-clearing by the group came in the form of a unanimous nod from New York's Landmarks Preservation Commission, who were challenged with a fairly weak argument to protect the nondescript building the mosque will replace. Mayor Michael "Which Party Am I Now" Bloomberg hailed the decision, gushing:

The World Trade Center site will forever hold a special place in our city, in our hearts... But we would be untrue to the best part of ourselves, and who we are as New Yorkers and Americans, if we said no to a mosque in lower Manhattan.

The man who has never said no to a promised political backer didn't explain what part that "best part" is, but it must be sitting somewhere near the NAZI Party Memorial we built at Auschwitz.

Non-Muslim supporters of this project warn that if we ban its construction we run the risk of stepping all over our tradition of religious freedom in this country. In the current political environment that is absolutely true. How can we claim to be a free society if we deny this religion rights that other religions enjoy? How indeed.

There is a way out of this conundrum, however. Now, I'm going to have to be very delicate with this next part due to the sensitive nature of the subject at hand:

Islam is a cult

Yep. As simple as that. Islam is a cult. Now you say it: Islam is a cult. It's really not that difficult. Now, everyone say it... and you, too, Uncle Sam. In fact, it's most important for you to say it:

Islam is a cult

If the government would merely declare Islam to be the cult that it is, our troubles would be over. No one would dream of allowing a cult the same freedoms as other legitimate religions, so if the government officially declares Islam to be a cult, we can stop the construction in its tracks. I know that there are some of you out there who are saying, "But Edward, the government can't declare a group to be a cult, and besides, the Muslim faith is not one." To this I have a two word reply: Waco Texas.

The government declared the Branch Davidians to be a cult and subsequently burned the compound and all of the people left in it right to the ground. Regardless of your feelings about how and why all of that happened, does any one argue that the Branch Davidians was not a cult? The government claimed it was a cult based upon the fact that:

• Pedophilia was not only encouraged but practiced by the group's founder
• Members were compelled to stay within the group or face dire consequences
• Weapons were being stockpiled
• There was a desire to become the dominant and only True religion of the world
• Prophesies within the church called for wars and a violent end to the evil outsiders

Gee, sounds a lot like Islam to me.

I'm not suggesting that every Muslim in the world is a violent nutball who deserves to die, any more than I'd suggest, for instance, everyone who was at Jonestown, Guyana in November 1978 was a bad person and deserved to die. But that opinion doesn't change the fact that both groups consist of followers of a dangerous cult. There is no place for a mosque in New York City or anywhere else within the United States. Should the Federal Government fail to step up and defend the sacrifices of the soldiers it continues to order to kill and die for this country, I think the people in the neighborhood - be they residents or contractors - should make sure that there isn't a mosque at Ground Zero.

To those of you I know who follow Islam, I'll say this:

Convince me I am wrong. Tell the world openly and publicly that if Muhammad truly meant that Muslims should go out into the world and destroy any and every individual who does not follow Islam, he was wrong. If he was married to a nine year old he was wrong. If he advocated hatred, despotism, slavery, and murder, then he was wrong. For my part, I will state the same thing about Jesus... and with a clear conscience.

Shopping with the Man in Mind

They say men think differently. If by 'differently' they mean logically, then I will agree. My wife snorted when she read that statement (I could hear her from my desk). It's always tough getting a woman to recognize that men are so much more rational and logical than they... but then, what can one expect? They aren't logical or rational.

Now that I have gotten rid of all the women, men... I need some help. I am intent on designing the perfect grocery store for men. A Mancery, if you will. And I need your help with the design. I'm not talking about the exterior so much. Or even the interior. Decor and temperature don't really concern me as I want to spend as little time inside a store as possible. Carts... no need for one of those, or even baskets. Maybe they could put handles on all the food... that would be good, though eating a banana might then be an even more awkward affair.

No, I'm thinking more along the lines of layout... product placement. And I need your help with it. Write in with your suggestions. We need shopping with a man in mind - The Mancery Store. Let me explain.

I went to Walmart with my wife the other night. I didn't want to, I was hungry. We hate Walmart almost as much as we hate Walmart patrons. Walmart has recently rearranged everything in the store. This is to better compete against Target, I suppose, as 40 percent of the store seems to be clothing now. (On a related note, they only had 17 music CD's for sale. You want an overpriced movie or a video game - name your poison. Any decent music from before May of 2007 - good luck. Gotta get on the interwed and have it downloaded directly into your brain pod.) Anyway, I can't find a danged thing inside a Walmart anymore. And it isn't just them... all grocery stores are like this. I'm just using The New Big Blue as the example:

There is a row in my local Walmart that contains chips. Everything from tortilla to potato. Any kind of chip you want. But if you're looking for crackers, you'd better look somewhere else. They're four rows over with the candy. Candy??!! Can anyone tell me why? Have you ever had to make the choice between Tootsie Rolls or Saltines? Ever put a Lifesaver on your Wheat Thins? Of course not! Chips and crackers are the same food group designed for the same type of gatherings. If you have dip, you serve chips. Cheese, crackers. Chips, dip, crackers, and cheese should be grouped together. Logical and neat. And there are others...

Wieners, hot dog buns, mustard, beer, chili, and toilet paper. Questions? No.

Milk, chocolate syrup, ice cream, and breakfast cereal all laid out in a row.

Peanut butter, jelly, bread, sliced meat, and mayo across from the tortillas, fajita meat, refried beans, and jalepeños.

Grits, biscuits, and eggs. Bacon can be between the eggs and ground beef and hamburger buns. Lettuce, onions, ketchup, and french fries should be adjacent to the buns.

Deoderant, toothpaste, toothbrushes, shaving cream, razors, and combs should be on the same shelf, or better yet, poured on top of one another in a bin.

That leaves beef jerky. It's not meat. It's not vegetable. It's not candy. So it really doesn't belong next to anything else. That's why every Mancery will have a Beef Jerky Kiosk right next to the checkout stages. "Gentlemen, now appearing on the main stage... Bambi and her scanner." (Cue the AC/DC song and stage lights.)


What have I left out guys? What changes would make your grocery shopping experience more tolerable?

EGOLOGY UPDATE

I apologize to my adoring fans for not checking in for so long. I have been working on a larger writing project and taking care of some personal issues which, if I were a 28-year old girl writing a blog, you would already know about. My current interregnum has been stymied by my ego (I love a thesaurus!)... and the following YAHOO! "news" article: Mighty oil-eating microbes help clean up the Gulf.

I don't know how long that article will remain readable in the webworld, so I will provide appropriate clips, acknowledging that I did not write it and giving all such credit to YAHOO! for its money and environmental writer John Carey (not to be confused with Bill Carey of Ogden Edsl fame, or John Kerry of The Addams Family fame) for his typing. I'm not taking a shot at Carey; please don't think that. I believe he has made a brilliant analysis of the situation. After all, he came to the same conclusions as I did 9 weeks ago. For this study of my considerable talents and ego, I must also direct your attention to my piece from May 28th of this year, I'll Have Seconds on the Buffet, specifically, the section entitled The Oily Worm Gets The Bird.

Now that the emotional fervor is starting to subside, let's take another look at what I had to say about the Deepwater Horizon spill and compare it to what is hitting the media today:

Me Then: Gee, do you think maybe the earth can handle what effectively is a small bruise?

Them Now: Where is all the oil?

Me Then: ...the oil leak will be plugged - we humans are pretty good at fixing things...

Them Now: Nearly two weeks after BP finally capped the biggest oil spill in U.S. history...

Me Then: ...the gulf will become clean again, through the money of BP and the American taxpayer, the efforts of conservationists, a few photo ops of hippies wiping a seagull with Dawn...

Them Now: And the small cleanup army in the Gulf has only managed to skim up a tiny fraction of the millions of gallons of oil spilled in the 100 days since the Deepwater Horizon rig went up in flames... the oil slicks that once spread across thousands of miles of the Gulf of Mexico have largely disappeared. Nor has much oil washed up on the sandy beaches and marshes along the Louisiana coast... So where did the oil go?

Me Then: ...but mostly the natural cycles of the planet (ain't crude oil a naturally occurring substance?...)

Them Now: "Some of the oil evaporates..." High winds from two recent storms may have speeded the evaporation process. (I thought hurricanes were the global warming equivalent of The Death Star?) ...the oil has been devoured by microbes... Although there were more than 4,000 boats involved in the skimming operations, those cleanup crews may have only picked up a small percentage of the oil so far. That’s not unusual; in previous oil spills, crews could only scoop up a small amount of oil. "It’s very unusual to get more than 1 or 2 percent..."

Wow! Do you mean to tell me that we have spent tens of millions of taxpayer dollars to clean up 1 or 2 percent of the spill??!! Let's see:

Only 49 of 253 beach portions in Louisiana, Alabama, and Florida have been affected by the spill, which gave Texas a miss altogether

11 men were killed when the Deepwater Horizon rig blew (but let's still not talk about them)

We've decimated the Gulf Coast region by putting a moratorium on drilling, the very move most economists and residents of the region say is the wrong thing to do

We demand that BP fire their CEO AFTER getting the well capped because he didn't say sensitive enough things about the devastation of our Gulf - Hello! Pansy Corner; meanwhile, our president goes on The View (remember what I said about that? "Barack Obama will take credit for cleaning up his 'Katrina' and blame BP for all that was done wrong")

And in the end it turns out that nature has done almost all of the clean up work... for free.

It all kinda tugs at your purse heart strings, don't it?

200,000 miles and going...

I Was Wrong...

Hope I didn't make you choke on your coffee... spit takes are so passé. My wife gets downright giddy when she hears me use that phrase: I was wrong. Granted, it's very rare and, quite frankly, I think I've dwelt upon it long enough.

What I really wanted to write about today is the World Cup. You may have heard something about this going on in the news lately. I heard about it for a while before I realized they were talking about a soccer game. I'm from the South and I know that down here we have a tendency to over explain just for the sake of throwing extra syllables into everything, but didn't you think: "World Cup? World Cup what? World Cup of Hockey? World Cup of Dancing? World Cup of Hot Wings?" As uppity as the rest of the world claims Americans to be, I think it's downright conceited not to finish the name of your little tournament.

Turns out, though, that it's kind of popular. In fact, it's the most watched sporting event in the world, over NASCAR and Baywatch. According to Wikipedia 715.1 million people will watch it this year. I'm guessing that ".1" is the portion in the United States. Now, I don't consider myself an expert on the game of soccer (though my little brother did play one season of little league, so...), but I thought I might take a few minutes to explain the game to you, good reader, just a bit.

WHAT SOCCER IS

Soccer is a game played on a field the size of a Walmart parking lot, with 22 waif-like men sporting Don Johnson beards, two grumpy coaches who can't be understood... even in their own language, one ball - which apparently can be a little too round, and two jibberish-shrieking announcers who could fain excitement at a Stutterers Anonymous funeral. The object of the game is to kick the ball around the field until one of the teams runs out of penalties or the stands erupt in flames of violence. The players are not allowed to use their hands for anything other than slapping and adjusting crotches.

Except the two goalies. Their job is possibly the most important on the field. When the ball has spent too much time being knocked about at one end of the field, the goalie is supposed to pick up the ball, place it carefully on the ground, then kick it clear to the other end so the fans sitting down there can watch some of the "action" for a while. Sometimes the ball will accidentally roll into the net when the goalie is trying to pick it up. In those instances they just put the ball back in the middle to give the centerline folks a show for a bit.

I don't think there are any cheerleaders in soccer, but quite frankly, I don't think I want there to be. Let's face it: most of these countries aren't known for their beautiful people, with the exception of the Netherlands, whose women were ironically arrested and kicked out of the World Cup stadium. I'm not sure about any mascots either, outside of Posh Spice. And I can only guess that there are a multitude of sponsors associated with soccer, because we only catch the occasional commercial that Kevin Nealon shares with us on one of his stupid banned commercials shows.

WHY SOCCER SUCKS

Besides the absence of hot cheerleaders, I think there are several other specific reasons that soccer is not particularly popular in the U.S., though, like socialism, it seems to be catching on of late. To start, it's the name. Now, everywhere else in the world this game is called football. Of course, we already have a game called football, so we can't call it that. Plus, although that descriptive term probably fits the foreign game a little more accurately, the confusion would be an insult to Dick Butkus, and that wouldn't be good for anyone.

The Brits are especially bad about looking down their noses at we Yanks for our misnomenclature. That's a turn-off right there from the start. But let's take a look at where "soccer" came from. Back in Jolly Old England times the folks playing this brand of football wanted to differentiate it from Rugby Football, so they started calling it Association Football (due to official organizations and ministers and elves and wizards and all those other sort of titles they have in England). As any fan of The Young Ones (one of the greatest shows of all time - hint, hint for Christmas) knows, the Brits love to create shortened nicknames for everything:

television = tele
French fries = chips
John, Paul, Ringo, & George = John & Paul
Association Football = Soccer

So, the next time the Queen of England calls you a barbarian for referring to it as soccer, tell her, "Takes one to know one, Betty!"

Another reason we don't like soccer is the lack of action. Part of the problem is the size of the field: it's enormous! These guys are spread so far apart that the ball has to travel 14.6 miles (or 6,312 kilometers for you soccer fans) between kicks. That's where those ridiculous announcers come in. Here's a typical spastic reaction by an announcer old enough to be hanging around outside a Miley Cyrus concert looking for dates:

Good God, what a reaction from a man that old. Jeez, get a life. It's not like Dale, Jr. took the checkered flag or something.

If they'd make the field a little smaller, and the action a little faster, we Americans might get into it. But I just don't see this happening. One of the primary tactics of the soccer man is called flopping. The idea here is to get the other team penalized. You know how punters and place kickers will act like they've been plowed into when a rusher gets close? Multiply that by ten Liston-Ali factors and you've got any typical soccer player coming within ten yards of another. They flail about and writhe on the ground until the referee points at a random billionaire in shorts and orders him out of the game. It's so silly even the American team's coach in the World Cup doesn't like it. But it's such an integral part of the game many say the U.S. will never be taken seriously in the world of soccer until it learns to embrace this tomfoolery. Should we recruit Vince McMahon to coach the team?

This garbage gives the game a very un-manly reputation in a country where girls' softball results in broken bones and stitches. Soccer is so wimpy that a headbutt to the chest four years ago is still infamous. I was 20 yards up the stands when Quentin Coryatt delivered this shot on Kyle McPherson:

Had that occurred in a soccer game, Coryatt would be rotting away in jail today... with 36 Dutch models.

As much as the wimpiness and lack of action gives me the yawnies, it's the fact that ties are celebrated in soccer that turns Americans off the most. (I know hockey has 'em, but fights, man, fights!) I'm not saying a tie should never be allowed to happen: sometimes offenses suck so badly that there really is no point in going into quintuple overtime. But ties should never be celebrated. They may not exactly be a losses, but they sure as hell ain't wins!

Of course, I reckon soccer is great for countries like Italy who - not counting four World Cup titles - haven't had any kind of real victory since Emperor Claudius conquered Britannia. And France and England certainly have had their share of ties, coming from the same families and all. (Funny, they each have one World Cup title, as well.) Americans just don't like ties. We didn't tie the eight year American Revolution... we won it! When Europe was mired down in WWI and WWII, we went in and broke through. We're used to being the tie breaker. Hey, that's a great idea!

When any World Cup game looks like it's going to end in a tie, why not send the Super Bowl Champs from that year in and break up the tie? Now I'd watch that!

I WAS WRONG

You probably thought I'd forgotten about my opening... I didn't. When this World Cup 2010 started I said there was no way I could care less about it. Turns out I was wrong: the Americans lost and now I actually care a little less about what occurs from here on out. Spain vs. the Netherlands - hopefully it won't last 80 years this time. Yawn.