200,000 miles and going...

I Was Wrong...

Hope I didn't make you choke on your coffee... spit takes are so passé. My wife gets downright giddy when she hears me use that phrase: I was wrong. Granted, it's very rare and, quite frankly, I think I've dwelt upon it long enough.

What I really wanted to write about today is the World Cup. You may have heard something about this going on in the news lately. I heard about it for a while before I realized they were talking about a soccer game. I'm from the South and I know that down here we have a tendency to over explain just for the sake of throwing extra syllables into everything, but didn't you think: "World Cup? World Cup what? World Cup of Hockey? World Cup of Dancing? World Cup of Hot Wings?" As uppity as the rest of the world claims Americans to be, I think it's downright conceited not to finish the name of your little tournament.

Turns out, though, that it's kind of popular. In fact, it's the most watched sporting event in the world, over NASCAR and Baywatch. According to Wikipedia 715.1 million people will watch it this year. I'm guessing that ".1" is the portion in the United States. Now, I don't consider myself an expert on the game of soccer (though my little brother did play one season of little league, so...), but I thought I might take a few minutes to explain the game to you, good reader, just a bit.

WHAT SOCCER IS

Soccer is a game played on a field the size of a Walmart parking lot, with 22 waif-like men sporting Don Johnson beards, two grumpy coaches who can't be understood... even in their own language, one ball - which apparently can be a little too round, and two jibberish-shrieking announcers who could fain excitement at a Stutterers Anonymous funeral. The object of the game is to kick the ball around the field until one of the teams runs out of penalties or the stands erupt in flames of violence. The players are not allowed to use their hands for anything other than slapping and adjusting crotches.

Except the two goalies. Their job is possibly the most important on the field. When the ball has spent too much time being knocked about at one end of the field, the goalie is supposed to pick up the ball, place it carefully on the ground, then kick it clear to the other end so the fans sitting down there can watch some of the "action" for a while. Sometimes the ball will accidentally roll into the net when the goalie is trying to pick it up. In those instances they just put the ball back in the middle to give the centerline folks a show for a bit.

I don't think there are any cheerleaders in soccer, but quite frankly, I don't think I want there to be. Let's face it: most of these countries aren't known for their beautiful people, with the exception of the Netherlands, whose women were ironically arrested and kicked out of the World Cup stadium. I'm not sure about any mascots either, outside of Posh Spice. And I can only guess that there are a multitude of sponsors associated with soccer, because we only catch the occasional commercial that Kevin Nealon shares with us on one of his stupid banned commercials shows.

WHY SOCCER SUCKS

Besides the absence of hot cheerleaders, I think there are several other specific reasons that soccer is not particularly popular in the U.S., though, like socialism, it seems to be catching on of late. To start, it's the name. Now, everywhere else in the world this game is called football. Of course, we already have a game called football, so we can't call it that. Plus, although that descriptive term probably fits the foreign game a little more accurately, the confusion would be an insult to Dick Butkus, and that wouldn't be good for anyone.

The Brits are especially bad about looking down their noses at we Yanks for our misnomenclature. That's a turn-off right there from the start. But let's take a look at where "soccer" came from. Back in Jolly Old England times the folks playing this brand of football wanted to differentiate it from Rugby Football, so they started calling it Association Football (due to official organizations and ministers and elves and wizards and all those other sort of titles they have in England). As any fan of The Young Ones (one of the greatest shows of all time - hint, hint for Christmas) knows, the Brits love to create shortened nicknames for everything:

television = tele
French fries = chips
John, Paul, Ringo, & George = John & Paul
Association Football = Soccer

So, the next time the Queen of England calls you a barbarian for referring to it as soccer, tell her, "Takes one to know one, Betty!"

Another reason we don't like soccer is the lack of action. Part of the problem is the size of the field: it's enormous! These guys are spread so far apart that the ball has to travel 14.6 miles (or 6,312 kilometers for you soccer fans) between kicks. That's where those ridiculous announcers come in. Here's a typical spastic reaction by an announcer old enough to be hanging around outside a Miley Cyrus concert looking for dates:

Good God, what a reaction from a man that old. Jeez, get a life. It's not like Dale, Jr. took the checkered flag or something.

If they'd make the field a little smaller, and the action a little faster, we Americans might get into it. But I just don't see this happening. One of the primary tactics of the soccer man is called flopping. The idea here is to get the other team penalized. You know how punters and place kickers will act like they've been plowed into when a rusher gets close? Multiply that by ten Liston-Ali factors and you've got any typical soccer player coming within ten yards of another. They flail about and writhe on the ground until the referee points at a random billionaire in shorts and orders him out of the game. It's so silly even the American team's coach in the World Cup doesn't like it. But it's such an integral part of the game many say the U.S. will never be taken seriously in the world of soccer until it learns to embrace this tomfoolery. Should we recruit Vince McMahon to coach the team?

This garbage gives the game a very un-manly reputation in a country where girls' softball results in broken bones and stitches. Soccer is so wimpy that a headbutt to the chest four years ago is still infamous. I was 20 yards up the stands when Quentin Coryatt delivered this shot on Kyle McPherson:

Had that occurred in a soccer game, Coryatt would be rotting away in jail today... with 36 Dutch models.

As much as the wimpiness and lack of action gives me the yawnies, it's the fact that ties are celebrated in soccer that turns Americans off the most. (I know hockey has 'em, but fights, man, fights!) I'm not saying a tie should never be allowed to happen: sometimes offenses suck so badly that there really is no point in going into quintuple overtime. But ties should never be celebrated. They may not exactly be a losses, but they sure as hell ain't wins!

Of course, I reckon soccer is great for countries like Italy who - not counting four World Cup titles - haven't had any kind of real victory since Emperor Claudius conquered Britannia. And France and England certainly have had their share of ties, coming from the same families and all. (Funny, they each have one World Cup title, as well.) Americans just don't like ties. We didn't tie the eight year American Revolution... we won it! When Europe was mired down in WWI and WWII, we went in and broke through. We're used to being the tie breaker. Hey, that's a great idea!

When any World Cup game looks like it's going to end in a tie, why not send the Super Bowl Champs from that year in and break up the tie? Now I'd watch that!

I WAS WRONG

You probably thought I'd forgotten about my opening... I didn't. When this World Cup 2010 started I said there was no way I could care less about it. Turns out I was wrong: the Americans lost and now I actually care a little less about what occurs from here on out. Spain vs. the Netherlands - hopefully it won't last 80 years this time. Yawn.

THE GREATEST COP EVER

My drive to work every morning is a 35 mile commute consisting of about 1/3 back roads, 1/3 interstate, and 1/3 back roads. That little stretch of interstate 65 starts just before it reduces from three lanes to two, and continues on for another nine miles. As I got on the highway this morning I saw in the far left lane what looked like the shortest, fastest funeral procession in the world: a white Dodge Charger not four feet off the rear bumper of a green Jeep Laredo, both doing 75 mph!

As I began the process of passing them in one of the two completely clear lanes to the right I realized the Charger was an Alabama State Trooper. I also noticed that the two of them were headed right for the lane closure. The trooper apparently realized this, too, because he moved over to the middle lane, sped up slightly to get alongside the Jeep, then tapped his brakes so that he would stay there. The Jeep sped toward the lane closure nipples and plowed right over them as the concrete dividing wall swerved in toward the driver's door. Seconds before contact the Jeep hit the brakes and fell in behind the trooper. The Dodge then sped up ahead.

Red is all I could see. I was furious! I can not stand the abuse of power, but especially from a police officer. I was raised the son of a cop and was taught that they, above all else, must have respect for the law and civil order. This trooper figures the stickers on his car give him license to behave any way he wants. What was his problem, anyway? I mean, the Jeep was going 5 mph over the speed limit. That wasn't enough? I couldn't catch up with the Charger because of some other traffic, but I was going to try to get that license and car number.

Racing at 85 in the left lane trying to catch the cop I was unable to scoot over and exit behind him, again because of traffic. (I did notice he only had markings on the passenger side of the car, I guess so he could park on the side of the highway with his hood up to zap speeders with his radar gun. Sneaky jerk.) So I had to settle with fantasy. Because I would have exited behind him and followed him. Maybe to that gas station down there off the interstate. I'd pull up right behind him with my headlights on, you know, like they do to us. Maybe I'd even throw my hazards on in order to add to the illusion. Yeah, that's it. Then I'd proceed to call the Alabama Department of Public Safety and report his behavior.

[The great thing about Alabama is that we can get away with that. In other states you would then be on the side of the road getting a bumper to bumper inspection, which you'd surely fail after the cop broke a turn signal lens with his nightstick. In Alabama, with no vehicle inspection requirements, I could have a live goat glued to my driver's window and still fall well within the legal parameters of vehicle safety.]

So, I'm standing there right in front of this jerk cop, looking right into his mirrored sunglasses, and reporting to his captain just what a jerk he is. The captain tells me that normally they don't take third party complaints but that this isn't the first time they've had a problem with this guy and asks if I'd be willing to come in and fill out a statement. Gladly. Then later, with statement in hand, the captain goes to the board to have the cop fired and blacklisted and suggests that I be in charge of making sure cops respect the law and don't act like jerks to the common citizenry. Soon I'm in charge of this program all over the south and then the nation. I have a whole team of people looking for jerk troopers tailgating people on the highway, or driving 85 mph without their lights on or – ooh, I hate this one – driving on the interstate at 45 mph knowing there are enough dummies out there who won't pass them to clog up traffic so that I'm just putting along at half my normal speed and-

I suddenly realized that the cop had exited a mile and a half ago and in that span I had changed lanes no less than eight times and altered my speed from 65 to 80 mph repeatedly. What on earth could be the problem in traf- Oh, the green Jeep Laredo. Well, I'll just slip over into the right lane and pa- nope, a semi is coming up. Well, perhaps she'll move over once she sees that I'm tryin- No, she seems to be pretty oblivious to her surroundings. Maybe if I just edge up a little closer to her bumper she'll take notice? All right, I'll flash my lights at her. Honking! What is this woman doing?! Every time there's a gap in traffic, she speeds up just enough to cut me off! Maybe Icanpassherontheshoulder!GOODGODWOMAN
WHATISYOURPROBLEM?I'MGOINGTORUNHEROFFTHEFREAKINGROADANDWATCH
THEJEEPBURSTINTOFLA-

*ehem*

[knuckle crack]

*deep sigh*

I want to apologize to the Alabama State Trooper who was driving perhaps a little too close to the very annoying lady driver in the Jeep Laredo this morning on I-65. I'm sorry I insisted on your imaginary removal from the force. You showed great restraint in dealing with a frustrating situation and I commend you. You are a fine example for the force and cops everywhere. If I'd have been wearing a badge... I'd have shot her.

Tsk, tsk, tsk... my, my, Miley...

Recently blogger Perez Hilton got into trouble for posting a photograph of 17-year old Miley Cyrus climbing out of a convertible sans underpants. This raised claims of child pornography against Miley's dad... uh, I mean, Perez Hilton. I don't really want to be on record as defending Perez Hilton in any way, so I'm going to stay away from the subject. In the meantime, here are some of Miss Cyrus' own words to entertain you.

---

“I'm not trying to be ‘slutty.’ I'm not trying to be like, go to the club and get a bunch of guys ... What I'm trying to do is to make a point with my record and look consistent, in the way my record sounds and the way I dress.”- Miley Cyrus











“I'm really comfortable with my body, I work really hard to be fit and to know that I can wear whatever makes me most comfortable. I feel more comfortable dressing with a little less, which is just how I've always been.” - Miley Cyrus












“Now I'm able to do that a little more freely and, also, I've just grown up to be this way too. It's not like this was me five years ago. It's me now, presently.” - Miley Cyrus









“When you're 11, the word you would use to describe someone is definitely not sexy, and as you get older I think you grow into that. And I think I've done that but that's not my schtick. That's not what I'm trying to do to sell records. I want people to buy my record because of my music.” - Miley Cyrus

---

How many of you allowed your 11-year old to grow up idolizing this wholesome Disney persona? Congratulations... you and Billy Ray are neck-and-neck for Parent of the Year!

That's Not My Problem

I hope that everyone was able to spend some time between throwing the ribs on the barbie and passing out in a drunken stupor to give thanks for the brave men and women who have given up a part of their possessions, their freedoms, their innocence, and their lives so that we all can enjoy ours. I want to thank each member - past, present, and future - of our military forces: Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and Coast Guard. While Memorial Day is set aside specifically for those soldiers who are no longer with us, we recognize there is much more to lose than your life, and we all thank you.

I have to admit, though, that I had a difficult time with my personal remembrances and meditations yesterday. I was distracted by the Israeli raid on the blockade-busting supply vessel that left 9 Hamas - uh, Palestinian supporters dead. The news called it a failed raid. I don't see how... unless they were trying to kill more than 9 activists. I want to explain, though, that it wasn't the raid itself that had me distracted, but rather my anger at what will most certainly be sanctimonious drivel coming out of the Obama Administration. So far the administration has cautiously stated it wants a little more background on the situation before making a statement. Okay, here's some background:

The Allies created Israel after World War II. The Palestinians had stolen the land from the Jews during Holy Wars several hundred years (histories vary on time line) before that, but there was plenty of Muslim land in the Middle East for them to settle on after WWII. The problem was that NO Muslim country wanted the Palestinians. Egypt is open about this fact,and the rest of the Muslim world only sides with Hamas to hurt Israel. While Jews and Palestinians are seemingly only wanting a homeland, the Palestinians use terrorists in an attempt to get their way. While the United States feels it has a right to defend itself from Muslim terrorists all over the world, it seemingly has problems with consistently recognizing Israel's right to do the same. And by "consistently" I mean any time the damn Democrats are in charge.

Enough of that. Hooray, Israel! I apologize for the way this country is treating you. It is our White House that takes this position. Please, in the future, make sure your brethren over here quit voting for the damn Democrats! Florida and New York are ridiculous with it. And at the rate illegals are streaming over our southern border and being registered to vote by Democrat groups, you'd better hope Hamas never learns to speak Spanish.

Speaking of dirty, worthless, moronic, amoral, unethical scumbags, the Gores are getting divorced. Having gone through a divorce myself, I wouldn't wish the experience on any other human. That leaves out my ex-wife and AlGore. This putrid pile of political pestilence has been married to AlGore for 40 years. Or was that supposed to be 'married to Tipper Gore?' It doesn't matter... they are interchangeable. She fed for years on parents' fears that their children would grow up to be violent devil worshipers if they were allowed to listen to music albums that did not contain a warning label, and he has fed upon the fear he instilled in Americans about the world turning into a microwave oven because of hairspray and air conditioners. I wonder if they will split all of the tax dollars they stole from us down the middle, or if he will get more because of his Nobel Prize? Oh, and Academy Award? And upcoming Papalship.

Finally, yesterday I was watching Pawn Stars on the History Channel. There was a marathon, much time was wasted. To the point, a college kid bedecked with a torn camouflage baseball cap and sporting a Cajun-esque dialect came in with a miniature suit of armor. It was pretty cool, amazing detail. Paulie told him that it had been used as home decor back in the Victorian Age. (I don't know the name of the guy on Pawn Stars, so I just call him Paulie. A 'Paulie' is the dirtball son of any guy who would be lost to you in the annals of obscurity but for getting a stint on a reality show on TLC, History, Discovery, etc. - which is called "Teutuling".) He explains that it would have cost about $100, which is, adjusting for inflation, roughly $1900 today. The kid asks, "Is that how much you're going to give me?"

"*chuckle* No."

"Why not?"

"Because the suit of armor hasn't kept up with inflation."

"But that's not my problem."

I hate this kid with every pore of my soul. He should be pithed. His parents should have been sterilized. His grandparents dug up and thrown into jail. I can safely say that had I been the pawn shop owner I would have reached out and hit him in the head with the first tape deck I could grab. "But that's not my problem." Yes, it is specifically your problem! You are the one with what is essentially the Franklin Mint Collector Plate of the Victorian Age. You are the one wanting money for it. You are the one who walked into the Pawn Shop seeking said funds. And you are the one wasting - presumably - your time and money on the college education you claim the money will go toward.

I hate to sound so hateful but these are exactly the mentally lazy fleshballs who are plunging our country into the debt of socialism. "That's not my problem." The Mantra of the Me Generation. (As well as my generation, the Baby Boomers, and everyone else.) These people need to be identified and exported... immediately. Before it's too late. There is great responsibility that goes along with living in a free society, and this guy clearly hasn't even tried to step up to the plate and educate himself in the school of responsibility and self-reliance. And what was almost as sick, Paulie let him pawn it for $1100 to help him out. I'd have only offered him the business card of a local doctor who might be able to help him remove the suit of armor after I'd-

All right, this is going down hill. I'm going to end this with a little advice to my young college-faring friend on Pawn Stars:

Remember, there are no stupid questions, only stupid people. Try not to open your mouth too much in class, idiot.

Boy, I'm in a mood today.

I'll Have Seconds on the Buffet

Well, here I am again: I'm like a fat man who diets by fasting then going to the Golden Skillet for a 6 hour eat-a-thon. So, I'm going to do a little of this and that today, sort of a buffet of recent events.

Coming Soon: Lost & Found, staring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan
I suppose the most important event to have occurred since my last check-in was the airing of the last episode of Lost. This marks another series that came and went without my having watched a single episode. If you missed it, Lost centered around a group of travelers who get stranded on a deserted Pacific island, with no way to get home. We learn more about each character and about his life in the outside world through single-episode themes. Other characters come and go, but for some reason our heroes can't escape. On second thought, I have seen this... but it was called Gilligan's Island.

Thou Shalt Have No Other Idle Before Me
Of course, the end of Lost wasn't the only social shake-up of the season: Simon Cowell ended his American Idol run with the season finale. Now, I personally know a number of people who religiously tune into to AI, so I do not exclaim what a senseless waste of time that activity is. Out of fear of offending anyone near and dear to me I'm not going to point out that it's nothing but televised karaoke. It would be wrong of me to bring to light the fact that the contestants, rather than being Joe Anybody's filling us with hope of reaching our own goals, are professional musicians who have been working clubs and bars for years, and this is another step up the ladder like a Disney audition. It would be callous of me to say the people on this show (including Ryan Seacrest) would never make it during an era where talent, and not image, was the determining factor for success. And I refuse to point out that it is pitiful to watch others aspiring to reach their dreams of becoming famous on television while sitting on one's fanny staring at the boob tube.

On a totally separate note my wife and I were excited that CMT decided to run two reruns of My Big Redneck Wedding during the Idol finale. "We love you, Tamzen and Kevin!"

The Oily Worm Gets The Bird
Who could possibly be less popular than BP right now? Barack Obama, that's who. He has taken quite a beating in the popularity polls for not fixing the oil leak in the gulf, what was described by one local "conservative" talk show host as the "worst environmental catastrophe in history." (What about all the fallout from Nagasaki and Hiroshima? Oops! Those were cities and human lives... they don't count. Same with the Holocaust and The Great Purge.) In response, JaBaracky has taken full responsibility for this spill: his administration will now take over the whole mess - conveniently timed five weeks after the experts have devised ways to stop the spill. Here's what will happen: the oil leak will be plugged - we humans are pretty good at fixing things; the gulf will become clean again, through the money of BP and the American taxpayer, the efforts of conservationists, a few photo ops of hippies wiping a seagull with Dawn, but mostly the natural cycles of the planet (ain't crude oil a naturally occurring substance? Gee, do you think maybe the earth can handle what effectively is a small bruise?); Barack Obama will take credit for cleaning up his "Katrina" and blame BP for all that was done wrong; and the media will attribute any poor poll showings as the result of BP's action/inaction, NOT to the Obama administration turning this socialized country into a more socialist country.

Oh, and 11 men will still be dead. Remember them? Don't worry - neither does anyone else it seems.

The only good news to come out of all of this is that the Stooges short Oily to Bed, Oily to Rise* can be watched right here. I love this one.

*Curly episode

Empathetic? More Like Impathetic
A recent study at some university of liberalization has resulted in the claim that today's college students are less empathetic than college students 30 years ago. This is based upon a review of 72 studies involving 14,000 students between 1979 and 2009. The main blame is placed on the media and video games and was presented at the annual meeting of the Association for Psychological Science in Boston, the dumbest city in the nation. Other studies refute these findings, but disagreeing with a psychologist is like telling a magician that magic is not real. "It is, too... I do it all the time!" To see how you compare to college students today you can take the test here.*

It seems to me, based upon these questions and claims, that what they are actually looking for is sympathy, not empathy. You see, empathy involves the capacity to understand another, to "feel" his situation. Sympathy is the act of taking that feeling into oneself, of sharing it, of feeling bad, too. Yes, bad - negative. No one ever feels sympathetic toward a winner. Here's an easy way to remember the difference:

Empathy - feeling for someone.
Add an 's' to it and you get:
Sympathy - feeling sorry for someone.

Sympathy injects a victim or excuse mentality. I can feel for the homeless man: it must be scary not to have a home or a job or knowledge of the source of your next meal. But I don't have to feel sorry that he reacted to hardships in his life by giving up. Because of my empathy I will be wary of the fact that his behavior could be very erratic. Because I do not participate in sympathy, I will not get stabbed and robbed trying to take him a sandwich under the highway overpass.

My point here is that I don't think this study found what the researchers were looking for, but if its results are accurate, there may be hope for this country yet.

*My score was 31.

GOOGLE HATES AMERICAN BUSINESS!

Today GOOGLE marks the 30th Anniversary of PAC MAN with a GOOGLE Doodle of the game. Go to www.google.com and you will see it. If you wait a few seconds or click on it or something you can play it.

This stunt has got to be the most egregious attempt yet to destroy the productivity of the American Small Business. GOOGLE has really shown its colors. First they "play ball" with the Clinese (yes, the Clinton-China Syndicate) for years, and now this: luring the American worker away from his duties with desk top games. And you've read it here first. Here's what I know so far:

Use the arrow keys to move your PAC MAN character. Everything else is pretty much the same, except the location of the ghost rejuvenation center will throw you off at first. Watch for those bonus fruit, and there are two dead ends - one has a power pellet. If you hit "Insert Coin" a Mrs. PAC MAN pops up, too. Control her simultaneously with the A-W-D-S keys, but watch out: if one dies they both die.

I was never really good at PAC MAN back in the day... but I'm getting better.

I JUST WANT TO CELEBRATE...

Do you ever root for the underdog? The little guy in the ring? The girl with the broken foot? The team whose salary cap doesn't match the National Deficit? I know I often do. It's really kind of American to do so, isn't it? I mean, we were the underdogs from the git-go. We were winning independence from the British Empire when nobody was winning independence from the British Empire. A ragtag force of inn keepers, share croppers, letter writers, surveyors, and silversmiths (and mercenaries) accomplished the seemingly impossible! That instills in us a great love of heroes. Our folklore - as opposed to that of most other societies - is full of a wide range of brave and distinguished men and women who act valiantly through difficult times, rather than bizarre gods and fairies who exalt and smote at will.

Could this be part of the reason, or at least indicative, of why this country is so much more advanced and has a higher standard of living than most? (Yes, I know about Switzerland and downtown Hong Kong, but I'm talking about societies of greater numbers and wider ranging backgrounds.) We root for the one fighting the good fight. The guy with his eyes on first. The one whose will - whose desire, whose passion, whose drive - will take him to the winner's circle... or at least bring him back again.

The trend in this country, of late it seems, is to move away from this. As an example I recently came across this story, which reported that collegiate golfer Grant Whybark intentionally hit his drive out-of-bounds on a playoff hole to give Seth Doran a spot in the NAIA National Championship, which Whybark had already secured for himself. (Please read the whole article.) I don't know anything about the author Shane Bacon, but wonder where his sense of values came from... or how widely accepted they really are. A few quotes from the article:

There are times to be competitive. Moments when all you want to do is humiliate your opponent as you defeat him. - Is this the definition of being competitive? I thought being competitive meant setting a goal, working hard, striving to succeed, performing at your very best, and not stopping until that goal - of being the best, your best - is reached. Humiliating the other guy is not the same as winning, and winning isn't the same as humiliating the other guy.

What makes it so incredible? Whybark intentionally did it, because he felt Doran had earned a spot in the next round. - And here I thought the rules of a game that is hundreds of year old were designed to determine whether a spot is or is not earned. I guess the feeling of a college sophomore trumps the integrity of game. Personally, I never liked being handed a victory... in fact, I can't remember ever being handed one. My dad told me when I was little that he'd never "let me win" - that way I'd know when I beat him, I did it. No charity. I follow that same policy with my kids.

A golfer simply knew his place, was comfortable with where he was, and thought that a senior, playing in his final tournament as a collegiate golfer, had done enough to earn one more week with the game he loved. - Whybark's place was on the championship team. His status there - as team member or individual winner - was up to his performance in that playoff. Doran could have earned that spot had Whybark played his best. As it is, he was given the spot. I'm not saying he's not a great player; I'm saying Whybark stole his opportunity to prove it. I'd have cheered had Doran then lined up and hit his drive out near Whybark's. THAT is being competitive!

Am I way off here? Just a cold-hearted jerk? Are we all supposed to get a little slack just because someone feels we deserve it?

Or are we supposed to give it our all, against the best we are up against, and come through with our heads held high - win or lose - with the spirit of a champion?

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville - mighty Casey hit a grand slam...

...after the pitcher felt bad and lobbed one softly across the plate slow enough that Casey's aging eyes could focus on it and give him a decent chance at making a showing in front of the hometown crowd, but the town got depressed and ended up thinking, "Maybe we don't have to work that hard... doesn't someone owe us?" And it wasn't long before all the shops closed and people moved away and the baseball team was sold and Casey was traded to the Turkish League for a...

EXTREME MAKEOVER!

You may have read about issues surrounding EXTREME MAKEOVER: Health Edition during the past few months... uh, I mean, Home Edition. It seems there has been an epidemic of foreclosures involving the innocent families that ABC has disrupted by forcing them to abandon their homes and move into larger, better lifestyle-suited structures at the same location. While ABC generally begins every episode with some bogus sob story about a veteran who has lost several limbs, or an elderly couple who adopt fifteen unwanted crack babies, the AP has been following those who truly deserve our sympathy, such as contest winner Dr. Brian Wofford, who may now lose his Encinitas, California home.

"A lot of people think when you get the house you get the mortgage. Well, you don't," complained Wofford. You see, when the mortgage crisis that hit all of us also affected him, he failed to get a loan modification after "providing documents, and providing documents again and again and again," according to his attorney, Mike Curran.

Then there was the case of Milton and Patricia Harper of Atlanta. They used their home as collateral for a $450,000 loan to start a construction business. When the business failed they couldn't afford to pay the mortgage because of the money they owed to "credit card companies, pawn shops and a cell phone company, and outstanding garbage bills with the city." They were saved by filing for bankruptcy.

There were others, like Sadie Holmes, a former drug addict turned social worker who nearly lost her home after racking up $30,000 in fines due to code violations. Damn ABC! And the list goes on and on and on.

You see, when ABC comes in and rebuilds or remodels one of these homes, they don't step up to the plate and do the right thing by paying off the original mortgage. Imagine you were making payments on a Chevy Malibu you picked out and purchased and Howard Stern came up and had professionals convert it into a Rolls Royce, but then made you go ahead and keep paying for it like it was the Malibu you initially bought. That's bad enough, but what if he also didn't pay for the extra gas that the Rolls used? You'd go out of your now Grey Poupon-eating mind! Well, that's what ABC has done.

Does ABC not know that gifts are seldom regarded as sacredly as that which is earned? Shouldn't they have considered that people who are in financial trouble will likely get into more financial trouble when provided the vehicle to do so? Didn't they realize that financial and housing market fluctuations affect everyone, no matter how they acquired their housing? Couldn't they have at least been responsible enough to tell their contest winners these things?

Well, fear not: this won't happen again in the near future. ABC is scaling back. The options lists on the Extreme Makeover homes won't include swimming pools, saunas, and tennis courts in the future. No, the extra amenities will be more along the lines of Chinese wallboard, indoor plumbing, and walls. Back to the basics to keep the winners safe from themselves.

Although references abound to families facing foreclosure, I can find reference to only one that has supposedly gone through foreclosure. That's less than 1% of the Extreme Makeover homes. Who pays the price for those mistakes? Future "winners." I hate to see anyone lose their home, but now thanks to the less than 1% of free extreme makeover recipients who can not handle their own finances, any future winners will see much less extreme in their coming makeovers.

That's a formula to think about the next time you find yourself waiting in an Obamacare Emergency Room.

PUT A TIGER IN YOUR ----

Even as Tiger is planning his phoenix-like return to golf, new reports on his storied affairs are coming out. I think we're up to 147 mistresses. This guy must be going for some kind of record, though Wilt Chamberlain reportedly told him during one of his sex addiction classes that the key is to not keep going back to the same ones. I have to admit, though, I am impressed: I'm married to just one woman and do not engage in any extramarital activities, yet I can't even seem to find the time to slip in one round of golf every few months. This guy plays all the time! What time management. Franklin-Covey needs to be sponsoring this guy.

I want to share a little conversation I had with my wife this morning. She called to inform me that a porn star has come forward concerning her two-year affair with... well... everyone, but Tiger Woods specifically. (I told my wife she would have already known this if she got all of her celebrity news from South Park like me.) I think I know why Tiger had all these affairs. Hell, every man knows why - not that we'd do it, mind you. But we know why. Women are pouring themselves at your feet like a rock star, Tiger: you felt wanted and got addicted to that feeling. The Manly Power that comes with sleeping with lots of women. Could happen to anyone... except Ryan Seacrest.

But at some point shouldn't it become clear that they're not attracted to you, but to your position, Tiger? Sure, you worked hard to become the greatest golfer in the world and deserve a little reward (some might suggest a Scandinavian model-wife and a gazillion dollars to be a fairly bountiful reward, but to each his own). And, yes, a cocktail waitress, stewardess, exotic dancer, and perfume counter attendant can all theoretically be impressed by your raw sexual Axe Effect... and the fact that you can afford to tip over 15%. But a wallered out porn star? Dude, you ain't that great. Without the wallet and hat you look kinda goofy; you were up with Elin, waaay up. But with this porn star didn't at some point you stop and think, "Man... maybe she's faking it?" I mean, c'mon... you're no Jesse James.*

My wife said that if she were Elin she would divorce him and set him on fire. I joked, "Yeah, like 'Your honor, I was just setting the gas can on top of the canopy bed and it accidentally went off.'" Benita, my wife and a God-fearing, loving individual, replied:

No, my defense would be: But your Honor, he asked me to put the sleeping pills in his dinner then tie him up in the bed, pour hot wax in his throat and nostrils, set him on fire, chop him up into little pieces, and send those pieces to each of his lovers with a note that read: "Now you have a piece of Tiger, but I have all the money."

I got an invitation in the mail to hang out in Tiger's VIP lounge at the Masters. I think I'll stay home.



* I had to add this; got it in an email from my wife, referring to Jesse James:
"Hmmmm, he needs to be tied to the back of a motorcycle and dragged over spikes and nails, then through a pool of alcohol, then through a pit of scorpions (drive through this and the alcohol area slowly for the full effect). After that, his tats should be skinned off of his body with a dull knife and hot glued across the tat model's face and neck......then peeled back off with her skin until both are just bloody stumps of their former selves.....sounds good to me!"

"IS IT FRIDAY ALREADY?"

It's been quite an interesting week in our world. Not really, but I am going to try to make it seem so. Not really... I'm not going to try that hard.

Earlier this week someone working with R-word.org or just angry with White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel leaked a partial transcript from a closed-door meeting that occurred six month sago. During this meeting Emanuel reportedly referred to some liberal activists as "f**king retarded." Almost immediately a firestorm erupted with folks objecting to his language calling for his immediate dismissal.

"We find Mr. Emanuel's language extremely offensive. We have worked hard at eliminating this word from the English language," said Carol Schumacher of the Invitro Fertilization Association. "It shows just how insensitive this administration is to-"

I'm kidding, of course. The firestorm came from one Sarah Palin, the upcoming Fox News show host, who wrote in a Facebook post entitled "Are You Capable of Decency, Rahm Emanuel?":

Just as we’d be appalled if any public figure of Rahm’s stature ever used the “N-word” or other such inappropriate language, Rahm’s slur on all God’s children with cognitive and developmental disabilities – and the people who love them – is unacceptable, and it’s heartbreaking.

I'm going to have to draw the line here. Now, I can't stand Rahm Emanuel or anyone else in the White House. But this is ridiculous. The man wasn't attacking children with "cognitive and developmental disabilities." He was using a phrase every single one of us used as a kid to describe a friend's behavior we thought was stupid. "Quit acting retarded, Jimmy. Right field ain't that bad."

Now, I'll admit that I have phased that word out of my repertoire over the years because it is a rather juvenile usage, but what do you expect from an administration that thinks the best way to deal with one's enemies is to bow to them? Did you really expect more mature behavior from Rahm Emanuel, Mrs. Palin? THAT would be retarded. Let's give him a break. It's not like he compared his bowling performance to the Special Olympics.

Since Nobel Peace Prize Winner Barack Obama has ended all wars around the globe people have begun looking closely at his economic strategy. The Savior described a recent unexpected drop in the unemployment rate as "cause for hope but not celebration." It would seem, Mr. President, that would be the way most of your former supporters would describe November 2008.

To take attention off the economy the Obama administration has Declared War on Toyota. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood has taken credit for prodding the automaker - known for its commitment to quality and customer satisfaction - into action concerning sticky accelerator pedals and sluggish brakes through phone calls. It's good that the Obama Administration is looking out for our well-being and protecting us from those evil Japs who took over a week to profusely apologize for failing the auto consumer and providing a full recall.

Meanwhile, Ford was thinking about accepting some responsibility for the Pintos, Lincoln Town Cars, F-150s, Rangers, and other models that have randomly burst into flames over the years... then decided not to. GM: Part 2 breathed a sigh of relief knowing they don't even carry liability for vehicles produced prior to the bailout. Chrysler continued to Dodge the subject.

To wrap this up, I think Toyota should leave the brakes on the Prius alone... for Sarah Palin's sake. If people using words in empty, unthinking ways hurts others, what better vehicle for eliminating those people? Who drives Priuses? (Priusi?) College professors and the Hollywood "elite." Talk about emptiness. If an actor wants to look down his nose and admonish me, bragging about the fact that he drives a Prius - all the while ignoring the Hummer and Porsche in his garage, which is attached to a 6,000 SF home that stays heated and cooled year round, and the fact that he acts in movies, which, between lighting, computer usage, support crews, distribution, projection, and promotion, use more fossil fuel-based electricity each than the entire state of Arkansas produces - I say f**k his brakes... he's retarded!

GRAMMYS SCHMAMMYS

I followed up not watching the Miss America pageant on Saturday with not watching the Grammy's last night (busy winning $2.50 at poker), but I did catch up a bit today through the unavoidable news blips. As 97.3% of the people who read this blog likely missed the Grammy's as well, I'll give you a brief rundown of the night's events.

The most important part of the night (as well as the last 50 years of civilization) was the Michael Jackson Tribute. In addition to winning the obligatory Lifetime Achievement Award, a rag tag group of American Idol contestants and guests performed Earth Song while a 3-D video of This Is It played in the background. Two of Jackson's kids, Paris and Prince Michael, accepted the award, stating they would "continue to spread his message." Fortunately, decency standards would not allow the children to repeat Jackson's message or read any of the trail of court transcripts he left behind.

During the show audience members had to wear glasses equipped with red and green lenses, specially designed to hide the fact that there is no way those two children came from Michael Jackson's loins. LaToya Jackson was quoted as saying, "You can't claim those children aren't Michael's just because they don't look like him... yet."

Here is a partial list of the winners from last night:

Best female country vocal performance – Taylor Swift – “White Horse”
Best country song – Taylor Swift – “White Horse”
Album of the year – Taylor Swift – “Fearless”
Breakout artist of the year - Taylor Swift
Person of the year - Taylor Swift
Greatest contestant ever on American Idol - Taylor Swift

Might the Grammy's be rigged when a pedophile can win a Lifetime Achievement Award and a 19-year old can win more awards than Robert Earl Keen has in his entire lifetime??!!

Here are the rest of the awards for those who are interested:

Best dance recording – Lady Gaga

Best electronic/dance album – Lady Gaga – “The Fame”

Best male country vocal performance – Keith Urban – “Sweet Thing”

Best country performance by a duo/group with vocals – Lady Antebellum – “I Run To You”

Best country collaboration with vocals – Carrie Underwood & Randy Travis – “I Told You So”

Best bluegrass album – Steve Martin “The Crow/New Songs For The Five-String Banjo”

Best children’s music album – Ziggy Marley – “Family Time”

Best musical show album – West Side Story

Best compilation soundtrack album – Slumdog Millionaire

Best song written for motion picture, television or other visual media – Slumdog Millionare – “Jai Ho”

Best remixed recording, non-classical – David Guetta featuring Kelly Rowland – “When Love Takes Over”

Best male pop vocal performance – Jason Mraz – “Make It Mine”

Best pop performance by a duo or group with vocals – Black Eyed Peas – “I Gotta Feeling”

Best pop collaboration with vocals – Jason Mraz & Colbie Callait – “Lucky”

Best pop instrumental album – Booker T. Jones – “Potato Hole”

Best pop vocal album – The Black Eyed Peas – The E.N.D.

Best traditional pop vocal album – Michael Buble – “Michael Buble Meets Madison Square Garden”

Best rock solo performance – Bruce Springsteen – “Working On A Dream”

Best rock performance by a duo/group w/vocals – Kings Of Leon – “Use Somebody”

Best hard rock performance – AC/DC – “War Machine”

Best metal performance – Judas Priest – “Dissident Aggressor”

Best rock instrumental performance – Jeff Beck – “A Day In The Life”

Best rock song – Kings Of Leon – “Use Somebody”

Best alternative music album – Phoenix – “Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix”

Best female R&B vocal performance – Beyonce – “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)”

Best male R&B vocal performance – Maxwell – “Pretty Wings”

Best R&B performance by a duo/group with vocals – Jamie Foxx & T-Pain – “Blame It”

Best traditional R&B vocal performance – Beyonce – “At Last”

Best urban/alternative performance – India.Arie & Dobet Gnahore – “Pearls”

Best R&B song – Beyonce – “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)”

Best R&B album – Maxwell – “BLACKsummer’snight”

Best contemporary R&B album – Beyonce – “I Am…Sasha Fierce”

Best rap solo performance – Jay-Z – “D.O.A.”

Best rap performance by a duo/group – Eminem, Dr. Dre & 50 Cent – “Crack A Bottle”

Best rap song – Rihanna, Jay-Z & Kanye West – “Run This Town”

Best rap album – Eminem – “Relapse”

Best short form music video – The Black Eyed Peas – “Boom Boom Pow”

Best long form music video – Various Artists – “The Beatles Love – All Together Now”

Song of the year – Beyonce – “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)”

Best country album – Taylor Swift – “Fearless”

Best new artist – Zac Brown Band

Best comedy album – Stephen Colbert – “The Greatest Gift Of All!”

Record of the year – Kings Of Leon – “Use Somebody”

Best rock album – Green Day – “21st Century Breakdown”

Best rap/sung collaboration – Jay-Z, Rihanna & Kanye West – “Run This Town”

Best female vocal performance – Beyonce – “Halo”
Best spoken word album – Michael J. Fox – “Always Looking Up”

Some of these categories really got to me. Best Spoken Word Album? Did they not retire that category after William Shatner's The Transformed Man?



I want to see some contemporary categories. How about these:

Worst lip-synching mistake on live television -
Strangest coupling of celebrities -
Most children purchased from foreign country -
Best crotch shot getting out of car (female) -
Best crotch shot getting out of car (Adam Lambert) -
Least likely to be remembered in 3 years -
Most likely to fall to B-movies (Debbie Gibson Memorial Award) -

Nominations anyone?

THE BONANZA SPLITS

The last surviving cast member of the show Bonanza has died. Pernell Roberts, who played the relatively level-headed (and boring) Trapper John, passed away from pancreatic cancer at his home Sunday at the age of 81. His only son died in a motorcycle accident in 1989. It will be remembered that Roberts bit Lorne Greene's left nipple off during a fight while both men were auditioning for the role of Battlestar Galactica's Commander Adama, which Roberts felt was a natural fit for him since he had played Adam Cartwright. Pernell leaves behind a passel of past and present wives... and one helluva hairpiece.

WEAK END REVIEW

I haven't posted in a while and I'm doing this over my lunch break, so it's liable to be rather weak.  I apologize to all of my adoring fans.  Not much time to insert videos and what not, so please follow the links herein.  It's been quite busy here, lately.  Thank you all for your prayers for the quick recovery of my wife after her surgery.  We really thank you and she is doing fine.  Please now pray for my truck which is not doing quite as well, but then, it's got a lot more miles on it than... uh, I better stop right there.

ELECTION RESULTS!

A full 20% of the populace came out to tell the world just what they think about how things are going. City Councilman and future indictee William Bell has been elected the new Mayor of Birmingham after beating attorney Patrick "I Didn't Approve That Video" Cooper by more than 3,000 votes in a run-off from an election in which Bell lost to Cooper by 15% of the vote.  That's Birmingham Mathematics, folks.  Although I am not allowed to vote in the election, I would have gone for the lawyer due to financial reasons: it'd be cheaper in the long run to have a mayor that could defend himself.

A KENNEDY DOES SOMETHING POSITIVE

Who'd have thunk Ted Kennedy would turn out to be the shining star in the family?  A great big EDWARD THANK YOU goes out to the great big fat scum for dying when he did. His brother John's death brought about LBJ and the worst economic pipe bomb to hit this country since TARP (or is that the other way around?).  His brother Robert's death paved the way for Hillary Clinton to become a Senator (for the purposes of this article it did!).  And John John's death/suicide flight/double murder eclipsed the passing of John Edward Long, an Alabamian with more than 7 years flying time - a world record likely to never be broken.

But thanks to Ted "Can I Give You A Lift" Kennedy, healthcare reform, as Obama knows it, may be dead thanks to Scott Brown's win in Massachusetts.  (By the way, Mississippi is a much better state than Massachusetts... because it's easier to remember how to spell. "M-A-S-S, A-C-H... aww!)  Brown will presumably go right along party lines and vote against healthcare reform, denying the Democrats the 60 votes they need to railroad the American taxpayer.  Pundits are projectile vomiting theories as to why he won. Here're the only two reasons you need to know:

1. The American voter rarely allows one party to control the White House, House, and Senate for very long

2. Americans don't like it when politicians tell them, "We don't care what you think, we're doing it anyway."

Nancy Pelosi has already started making excuses stating that she doesn't think the House has the votes to pass legislation.  I guess this election was transparent enough for her.

THE MOST IMPORTANT RESULTS OF THE YEAR!

Jay Leno will be taking back over The Tonight Show. *yawn*  What that means is that Conan O'Brien is now out of a job. There have been a lot of suggestions on just what he could do for a living after he's spent all of the $45 million severance package on hair gel.  I have the best solution, one that will make everyone happy: he should campaign with Sarah Palin... as her vice-president (after all, his ratings are pretty low). It's perfect.  He's already got the sympathy of the American people.  He's a redhead and Irish, so he's got the whole minority thing going for him.  He's practically poor (compared to other late night talk show hosts).  He's unemployed.  And who knows better than he how cruel and inhumane Corporate America can be?  I think he's got a real chance.  Plus, how cool would a State of the Union Address written by Conan O'Brien be?

AIRless AMERICA

It's funny... I make a disparaging remark about Al Franken and his talk show last week, Air America - the radio network created specifically so liberals could get on the air - dies this week.  "MSNBC... CNN..... NPR... American Idol... Barbara Streisand." Again, many liberal excuses are being made for it's failure:

"the very difficult economic environment has had a significant impact on Air America's business. This past year has seen a `perfect storm' in the media industry generally" - NBC can afford to pay a guy $45 million not to be on the air

"painstaking search for new investors... ultimately fell short." - I guess you were too successful at motivating voters to Vote for Change in '08

SO OLD SHE'LL MAKE YER HEAD SPIN

For my buddy Jesse, Linda Blair is 137 years old today.  I don't think this is a current photo, but again, it's for my buddy Jesse.










AND ONE FOR THE LADIES

Strike another success for Equal Rights: The country's first legal gigolo starts work in  Nevada this weekend.  He's taking appointments, ladies.  "Markus," the self-proclaimed Rosa Parks of prostitution, is a college dropout, likes working out, enjoys casual heterosexual rendezvous, and long walks on the beach... as long as he's getting paid for them.  Looks like Obama has those employment figures on the rise! (Uh, no pun intended, Markus.)

GOING ROUGE

After a year of rather confusing decisions, it was announced that Sarah Palin, former Vice Presidential candidate, will be taking over The Tonight Show. The move came as a complete surprise to John McCain, who was hoping to run as Palin's vice-presidential candidate in 2012.

Of course, I'm only joking. Palin wouldn't run with McCain again if he were the oldest man in politics... I mean, even though he's the oldest man in politics. Actaully, she's going to The Fox News Network. This means that she will not be running for public office in the future. To do so she would have to give up what promises to be a lucrative career in show hosting. No successful talk show host has ever given up their show to run for office.

What about Al Franken, you ask? No, I said successful talk show host.

The Tonight Show is going to be hosted by... well, we don't really know. NBC has decided to move Jay Leno's show back to The Tonight Show time, move The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien to tomorrow, and Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to a week from Tuesday. But Conan O'Brien has refused to change time slots, stating it would be a disgrace to the history of The Tonight Show and unfair to Jimmy Fallon. That leaves NBC in the position of having to pay O'Brien $45 million not to do his show. Did the Fed take over NBC, too?

It doesn't seem like Conan O'Brien was really given enough time to catch his groove with The Tonight Show. Is just a few months enough to brand the program and build the ratings? To be fair I really can't have a position... I never even watched Conan O'Brien hosting the show.  In fact, I never even watched Jay Leno hosting it, even though I know he had a very successful 17-year run. I grew up with Johnny Carson and that's the only Tonight Show I acknowledge.

Guess I have something in common with Alabama fans... no matter what goes on around us, we're still waiting for the return of a dead icon.

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

The BabyCenter has released their list of the Top Baby Names of 2009 and the results are nothing short of miraculous.  A quick glance will reveal that the most popular names are Biblical in nature, but closer analysis will reveal a leap of epic proportions:

After only three newborns being named 'Edward' in 2008 (barely squeezing out 'Ebeneezer'), the name has jumped to #226 on the popularity list for 2009.

How could a name jump from obscurity - truly the twilight of its relevance - to lionization if you will, in such a short amount of time?  What could have happened in the past year to cast a new moon on a name like Edward?  Who is responsible for this transformation?

Well, I think the answer is obvious: This Blog.

Occasionally, my popularity amazes even me.  "GO TEAM EDWARD!!!"  I hear women shouting that all the time.  Thank you, all of you, for the support.  And MERRY CHRISTMAS!

TIGER LOSES A STRIPE

Accenture has stepped forward as the first major sponsor to drop Tiger Woods over 'Voice Mail Gate.' The corporate consultancy company has recognized that Tiger's current public image might not be the greatest tool for convincing other businesses to trust Accenture's judgment.  It also questions for marketing professionals the wisdom of hanging an entire company's public image on one character. It seems like this question may have been answered in the past.

Still, Tiger doesn't seem to be too worried. Although his life has been thrown asunder over his extra-marital affairs, and other large sponsors are sure to follow Accenture's lead, he is as confident as ever. Already he has reportedly been contacted by Blackberry for a new ad campaign:

Straight from the Tiger's lips

"Why leave a voice message, when a text is so much more deniable?"