GRAMMYS SCHMAMMYS

I followed up not watching the Miss America pageant on Saturday with not watching the Grammy's last night (busy winning $2.50 at poker), but I did catch up a bit today through the unavoidable news blips. As 97.3% of the people who read this blog likely missed the Grammy's as well, I'll give you a brief rundown of the night's events.

The most important part of the night (as well as the last 50 years of civilization) was the Michael Jackson Tribute. In addition to winning the obligatory Lifetime Achievement Award, a rag tag group of American Idol contestants and guests performed Earth Song while a 3-D video of This Is It played in the background. Two of Jackson's kids, Paris and Prince Michael, accepted the award, stating they would "continue to spread his message." Fortunately, decency standards would not allow the children to repeat Jackson's message or read any of the trail of court transcripts he left behind.

During the show audience members had to wear glasses equipped with red and green lenses, specially designed to hide the fact that there is no way those two children came from Michael Jackson's loins. LaToya Jackson was quoted as saying, "You can't claim those children aren't Michael's just because they don't look like him... yet."

Here is a partial list of the winners from last night:

Best female country vocal performance – Taylor Swift – “White Horse”
Best country song – Taylor Swift – “White Horse”
Album of the year – Taylor Swift – “Fearless”
Breakout artist of the year - Taylor Swift
Person of the year - Taylor Swift
Greatest contestant ever on American Idol - Taylor Swift

Might the Grammy's be rigged when a pedophile can win a Lifetime Achievement Award and a 19-year old can win more awards than Robert Earl Keen has in his entire lifetime??!!

Here are the rest of the awards for those who are interested:

Best dance recording – Lady Gaga

Best electronic/dance album – Lady Gaga – “The Fame”

Best male country vocal performance – Keith Urban – “Sweet Thing”

Best country performance by a duo/group with vocals – Lady Antebellum – “I Run To You”

Best country collaboration with vocals – Carrie Underwood & Randy Travis – “I Told You So”

Best bluegrass album – Steve Martin “The Crow/New Songs For The Five-String Banjo”

Best children’s music album – Ziggy Marley – “Family Time”

Best musical show album – West Side Story

Best compilation soundtrack album – Slumdog Millionaire

Best song written for motion picture, television or other visual media – Slumdog Millionare – “Jai Ho”

Best remixed recording, non-classical – David Guetta featuring Kelly Rowland – “When Love Takes Over”

Best male pop vocal performance – Jason Mraz – “Make It Mine”

Best pop performance by a duo or group with vocals – Black Eyed Peas – “I Gotta Feeling”

Best pop collaboration with vocals – Jason Mraz & Colbie Callait – “Lucky”

Best pop instrumental album – Booker T. Jones – “Potato Hole”

Best pop vocal album – The Black Eyed Peas – The E.N.D.

Best traditional pop vocal album – Michael Buble – “Michael Buble Meets Madison Square Garden”

Best rock solo performance – Bruce Springsteen – “Working On A Dream”

Best rock performance by a duo/group w/vocals – Kings Of Leon – “Use Somebody”

Best hard rock performance – AC/DC – “War Machine”

Best metal performance – Judas Priest – “Dissident Aggressor”

Best rock instrumental performance – Jeff Beck – “A Day In The Life”

Best rock song – Kings Of Leon – “Use Somebody”

Best alternative music album – Phoenix – “Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix”

Best female R&B vocal performance – Beyonce – “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)”

Best male R&B vocal performance – Maxwell – “Pretty Wings”

Best R&B performance by a duo/group with vocals – Jamie Foxx & T-Pain – “Blame It”

Best traditional R&B vocal performance – Beyonce – “At Last”

Best urban/alternative performance – India.Arie & Dobet Gnahore – “Pearls”

Best R&B song – Beyonce – “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)”

Best R&B album – Maxwell – “BLACKsummer’snight”

Best contemporary R&B album – Beyonce – “I Am…Sasha Fierce”

Best rap solo performance – Jay-Z – “D.O.A.”

Best rap performance by a duo/group – Eminem, Dr. Dre & 50 Cent – “Crack A Bottle”

Best rap song – Rihanna, Jay-Z & Kanye West – “Run This Town”

Best rap album – Eminem – “Relapse”

Best short form music video – The Black Eyed Peas – “Boom Boom Pow”

Best long form music video – Various Artists – “The Beatles Love – All Together Now”

Song of the year – Beyonce – “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)”

Best country album – Taylor Swift – “Fearless”

Best new artist – Zac Brown Band

Best comedy album – Stephen Colbert – “The Greatest Gift Of All!”

Record of the year – Kings Of Leon – “Use Somebody”

Best rock album – Green Day – “21st Century Breakdown”

Best rap/sung collaboration – Jay-Z, Rihanna & Kanye West – “Run This Town”

Best female vocal performance – Beyonce – “Halo”
Best spoken word album – Michael J. Fox – “Always Looking Up”

Some of these categories really got to me. Best Spoken Word Album? Did they not retire that category after William Shatner's The Transformed Man?



I want to see some contemporary categories. How about these:

Worst lip-synching mistake on live television -
Strangest coupling of celebrities -
Most children purchased from foreign country -
Best crotch shot getting out of car (female) -
Best crotch shot getting out of car (Adam Lambert) -
Least likely to be remembered in 3 years -
Most likely to fall to B-movies (Debbie Gibson Memorial Award) -

Nominations anyone?