Arnold? Arnold who?

Back when Arnold Schwarzenegger was still in short pants and playing in the sandbox, there was Jack LaLanne. Mr. LaLanne passed away yesterday at the age of 96.

He was probably best known by our youngest readers as the Juicer salesman, but for millions of us older Americans Jack LaLanne was the fitness god. Among his many physical accomplishments was a 1000 push-up demonstration on “You Asked For It” in 23 minutes... at the age of 43! I once kept count of the number of push-ups I was forced to do back in my Corps of Cadets days. There was one morning when I was stuck in the dorm as the only freshman and racked up around 850... over the course of the entire morning. I can't imagine doing 1000 at one sitting. Heck, at 39 years of age I can't imagine doing 50 push-ups... for the rest of my life.

LaLanne said he was a sugar addict as a young man but then heard a talk about vegetarianism, whole grains, rice, and such witchcraft that turned his life around. He began exercising and eating right. As a testament to the soundness of his healthy lifestyle, in 1990 he claimed:

I never think of my age, never. I could be 20 or 100. I never think about it, I'm just me. Look at Bob Hope, George Burns. They're more productive than they've ever been in their whole lives right now.

Eternal youth, that's what Jack LaLanne represented to so many of us. And now he's gone. And that means that I will die, too.

Wait a mintue. Jack LaLanne was fit as a fiddle. George Burns drank and smoked cigars. Jack LaLanne was 96. George Burns was 100 when he died...

See you in 2071, folks!

I Love TAYLOR LAUTNER!

That's right... Edward is a proud member of Team Jacob. I love this guy. He is the best. And all you vampiresses out there can stick it. Taylor Lautner is the greatest!

I know this revelation may come as a bit of a shock to my regular reader(s). Hell, it comes as a bit of a shock to me. But nonetheless, here we are. The reason for my fondness of this guy is what he has done to my life. I'm practically a celebrity now... all because of this cross-eyed little teenager. Let me explain.

My little corner of the blog-o-sphere is visited by just a handful of people, which explains why I'm not real concerned about updating it on a regular basis. I mean, I love each and every one of you, but your patronage doesn't exactly cover the rent. No biggie. I don't do anything short of an email announcement to advertise this blog. It is all word of mouth or whatever that is in binary code.

But recently the number of visits jumped just a tad. Take a look at the graph. Yeah, quite a jump, huh? Like whitehouse.com after Lewinski-gate. I figured at first that perhaps traffic bots were circling the globe for some kind of end-of-the-year roundup. What else could account for such a huge increase in traffic? I know my writing is poignant, but really... I'm not delusional. Then I really got into the nuts and bolts of the issue. What were people tuning in for?

The referrals were from all over the world, from Queensland, Australia (I saw you, Miss Elanora) to Sheboygan, Wisconsin (and you, too, Owen). And the vast majority would only stay to see one page, which means I had no way of knowing how long they stayed. My breakthrough came when I looked at the referring page. That means the page that directed them to my site. The same set of data kept reappearing. You can try it out. Go to Google Images and type in "Taylor Lautner". Click on the first shirtless photo you see.

That's right. I put a picture of Taylor Lautner on my site December 22, and as a result my site traffic increased 10,000%. I'm now a Taylor Lautner fan. Thanks, Taylor!

I am, however, now scared to death of middle-aged housewives!

The End is Nigh

New Years is just hours away, so I thought it might be time to do a retrospective of 2010. Then I decided not to - too much work. Instead I am just going to pick one story.

Do you remember Bernie "Made Off" Madoff? He was nabbed two years ago for orchestrating a $20 billion Ponzi scheme that left a huge number of investors and greedheads bereft of retirement funds. He was back in the news earlier this month when his son committed suicide on the anniversary of his arrest. It was really a horrible story for all involved.

Are you familiar with Ponzi schemes? They were named after Charles Ponzi, a dapper young Italian immigrant who spent many years in prison for his swindles. It seems that Ponzi schemes have once again become all the rage in this country. From Florida to California, people have been suckered into these things. If the 80's were "The Decade of Greed," the 00's have been "The Decade of Less Work and Skill for More Return." And that's what all Ponzi schemes have in common: the "victim" has to be after a little somethin' for nothin'. Maybe not at the beginning... but eventually.

Here's how a Ponzi Scheme is structured:

First, the orchestrator comes up with a great investment backstory. This could be a mutual fund, a retirement system, land grabs, or any other example from the limitless capacity of the human mind to dream and believe. He then includes suggestions, claims, and/or documentation of huge returns on the investment. That's critical... it's got to be bigger or more secure than the open market can guarantee, otherwise he won't find any investors.

The second and even more critical element is a continuous and escalating flow of "investors." I emphasized that term because it suggests the person wishes to minimize risk. In reality they are acting much more like speculators, without all the disposable funds to throw into high risk situations. So, Ponzi victims are speculators of relatively modest means who can only continue with their activities by telling themselves nothing can go wrong... even after the orchestrator has left the country or entered the penal system.

And this is how it works:

The first "investors" pour their retirement funds, dream house account, kids' college savings, and life insurance policies into the ponzi vehicle. The orchestrator then takes those funds and pours them into New York apartments, yachts, women half his age, and a team of crooked accountants. As the early investments mature and the orchestrator's lifestyle becomes more expensive, additional investors are brought in to pay out the previous investment funds. This continues until... well, until the whole thing collapses.

Of course, you all know about Ponzi Schemes thanks to Bernie Madoff. His Ponzi scheme came in to the tune of $20 billion dollars. His investors, like all Ponzi Scheme victims, had to actively and consciously ignore warning signs, like investments that didn't mature completely, payouts that were late or always forthcoming, excuses as to why returns weren't as high as promised. For all of that, he received a sentence of 150 years. But why even bring him up? He's soooo 2009.

This year it was announced that Social Security dependents would not be receiving their cost of living increase. Social Security has pulled in $13.8 trillion and is still about $16 trillion in the hole. Don't you think it's high time we put an end to the largest Ponzi scheme in the history of this country and start handing out prison sentences already?

WAITING FOR THE MOTHER SHIP

Like the Bandit and Snowman, we are westbound and down... without the beer, bootlegging, and Trans Am. We do have a dog, but she's a lab/doberman mix. Anyway, we're getting ready to head to Texas. That means we are feverishly doing all the things there are to do here that we've had years to do but haven't. Tonight we went to see Elf at the Alabama Theater. An incredible place, and you can read all about our adventure on Benita's blog.

As part of the move preparation I have been collecting good reasons to leave this state and city (Alabama and Birmingham respectively). Here's a good one brought to you by one of our local news stations. Nineteen-year old Shawn Demetric Foster has been charged with attempted murder for shooting an Alabama State Trooper in the leg and arm and a six-year old boy in the back. Take a look at his mug shot. If you find yourself in as much trouble as young Shawn here, and can still muster a look as defiant and insolent as his, I think you should be taken out back and shot. I'm making the call - you are not going to be rehabilitated. You will come out of jail an even worse waste of flesh and oxygen. You should not exit. You need to be shot out back. Or just build the barrel into the mug shot camera: I'll trust the booking officer to make the call.

Speaking of people who should be shot: They burned down the Birmingham Christmas Tree. Look, I know it's not exactly Rockefeller Square, but it's all we've got. And as a testament to our vibrant Alabama economy, scrappers came in and burned down our holiday spirit while trying to strip the tree of its copper. They were trying to get the copper out of the light cords, used gasoline to do so and then... well, as the fire triangle tells us:

gasoline + dry Christmas tree + an Alabama public education = this:

"Merry Christmas, firehouse!"

And speaking of incredibly stupid people, a cop arrested a couple who were cooking methamphetamines. Could happen anywhere these days right? They were discovered because they swerved into oncoming traffic (i.e.: cop car). WHILE DRIVING A GARBAGE TRUCK! I kid you not. Read about it. What's not mentioned in the article is the name on the side of the truck. I won't call them out by name because of legal reasons, but my wife passed them on her way home... not far from home. I was pleasantly surprised to see them pull up in front of my house the next Monday as they usually can't seem to make it after a long weekend.

Now that cop had a pretty good day, while across town another cop was having a not so good day. While in the process of searching for a missing person her purse was stolen FROM HER CAR by a kid SHE WAS QUESTIONING! Reacting quickly, our hero took her foot off the brake and wrecked her squad car into a telephone pole in an attempt to confuse the youth... or cause him cramps from laughing. In any case, the ploy worked and he was arrested. They are still searching for his accomplice, who was last seen bent over with milk spewing out of his nose.

When I said I was waiting for the Mother Ship, it's not just to leave Alabama... I think it's time to leave this planet. There's a group - The Center for Biological Diversity - that intends to spend our tax dollars by suing the Interior Department if/when it does not reintroduce the beautiful and majestic gray wolf across the lower 48 states. Meathead Noah Greenwald, Endangered Species Director for the group and proud Portland resident (big surprise there), was quoted as saying:

Wolves once roamed nearly the whole country and down into Mexico, but at this point there [sic] just in a fraction of that range.

Right you are, Noah. They were all over North America, just like the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Do you really want that God-forsaken lizard reintroduced into our environment? Probably. Look, Noah, I know life is peaceful and green amongst the spotted owls and ferrets of the Upper Northleft, but here in the real world wolves have been wiped out for a damn good reason: they eat relatively large meaty things that are slower than them... like children. I know you'd like to think this turns into this when it gets around people, but the reality is it turns into this. I say if you or any other commune-hopping hippie wants them reintroduced, we start with your kid's school yard.

As for me, this is the only howling wolf I want to hear.

HISTORY WILL VINDICATE ME

History will vindicate me.

No, I didn't say that. My ego is much too large to wait for history to do its job. That's why I reference my own work so much in these little news updates. It was George W. Bush, referring to his tenure in the White House, who claimed that history would vindicate him. He did it with that little sneering laugh. You remember the one? Like a Paul Lynde/Muttley conglomeration. (I hated that laugh. Like my son says: If no one else is laughing at your joke, don't take it as a cue to laugh yourself.) Well, it looks like he didn't have to wait for history to do the job.

Ironically enough it looks like his vindicator is turning out to be the very person who ran on the platform, “Because W. did it wrong and I will change everything.” That's right, Barack Obama himself is committed to showing that George Bush was right.

His most recent action toward this end was informing his own political party that the only way we can climb out of the current economic recession is by extending the evil Bush Era Tax Cuts. Mark one up for the fiscally conservative.

Of course, before that Obama declared the Iraq War (the one he voted against) a victory while simultaneously furthering the pursuit of an unwinnable war in Afghanistan. That's another check for the Republicans. Oh, and his current strategy in Barack's War? A troop surge à la George W. Bush. (snicker)

And if all of that weren't enough, he has repealed the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy that W so famously refused to address. This was the policy that Bill Clinton enacted that ended up getting reams of homosexuals expelled from the US Military. Wacked by a fellow Democrat.

History, Mr. Bush? Barack Obama has vacillated you. Go ahead and give one of your laughs. You've earned it.