Arnold? Arnold who?

Back when Arnold Schwarzenegger was still in short pants and playing in the sandbox, there was Jack LaLanne. Mr. LaLanne passed away yesterday at the age of 96.

He was probably best known by our youngest readers as the Juicer salesman, but for millions of us older Americans Jack LaLanne was the fitness god. Among his many physical accomplishments was a 1000 push-up demonstration on “You Asked For It” in 23 minutes... at the age of 43! I once kept count of the number of push-ups I was forced to do back in my Corps of Cadets days. There was one morning when I was stuck in the dorm as the only freshman and racked up around 850... over the course of the entire morning. I can't imagine doing 1000 at one sitting. Heck, at 39 years of age I can't imagine doing 50 push-ups... for the rest of my life.

LaLanne said he was a sugar addict as a young man but then heard a talk about vegetarianism, whole grains, rice, and such witchcraft that turned his life around. He began exercising and eating right. As a testament to the soundness of his healthy lifestyle, in 1990 he claimed:

I never think of my age, never. I could be 20 or 100. I never think about it, I'm just me. Look at Bob Hope, George Burns. They're more productive than they've ever been in their whole lives right now.

Eternal youth, that's what Jack LaLanne represented to so many of us. And now he's gone. And that means that I will die, too.

Wait a mintue. Jack LaLanne was fit as a fiddle. George Burns drank and smoked cigars. Jack LaLanne was 96. George Burns was 100 when he died...

See you in 2071, folks!

I Love TAYLOR LAUTNER!

That's right... Edward is a proud member of Team Jacob. I love this guy. He is the best. And all you vampiresses out there can stick it. Taylor Lautner is the greatest!

I know this revelation may come as a bit of a shock to my regular reader(s). Hell, it comes as a bit of a shock to me. But nonetheless, here we are. The reason for my fondness of this guy is what he has done to my life. I'm practically a celebrity now... all because of this cross-eyed little teenager. Let me explain.

My little corner of the blog-o-sphere is visited by just a handful of people, which explains why I'm not real concerned about updating it on a regular basis. I mean, I love each and every one of you, but your patronage doesn't exactly cover the rent. No biggie. I don't do anything short of an email announcement to advertise this blog. It is all word of mouth or whatever that is in binary code.

But recently the number of visits jumped just a tad. Take a look at the graph. Yeah, quite a jump, huh? Like whitehouse.com after Lewinski-gate. I figured at first that perhaps traffic bots were circling the globe for some kind of end-of-the-year roundup. What else could account for such a huge increase in traffic? I know my writing is poignant, but really... I'm not delusional. Then I really got into the nuts and bolts of the issue. What were people tuning in for?

The referrals were from all over the world, from Queensland, Australia (I saw you, Miss Elanora) to Sheboygan, Wisconsin (and you, too, Owen). And the vast majority would only stay to see one page, which means I had no way of knowing how long they stayed. My breakthrough came when I looked at the referring page. That means the page that directed them to my site. The same set of data kept reappearing. You can try it out. Go to Google Images and type in "Taylor Lautner". Click on the first shirtless photo you see.

That's right. I put a picture of Taylor Lautner on my site December 22, and as a result my site traffic increased 10,000%. I'm now a Taylor Lautner fan. Thanks, Taylor!

I am, however, now scared to death of middle-aged housewives!