Monday, August 31, 2009

The Marvel of Disney

By now everyone has heard the news: The Walt Disney Company has purchased Marvel Comics for $4 billion. Actually, I don’t know that any teenaged girls knew about it, but I’ll bet every dateless Iron Man fan did… down to the last pocket protector. I don’t see any way on earth that this marriage is going to work. How are they going to combine a bunch of androgynous mutants dressed in bizarre costumes with these guys?
Now, calm down before you panic… Miley Cyrus isn’t trying on Wonder Woman costumes just yet. The boards of both companies have to approve, as well as the Marvel stockholders. Of course, that shouldn’t be a problem as stockholders are people who look at the profits and bottom lines, not at tights and storylines. The odd thing is that the whole affair has to get the okay from the federal government under the guise of anti-trust law. ANTI-TRUST of what??!! Cartoon characters? Children’s entertainment? Aren’t all of these things optional? How can you… what is the purpose of… in a... just…WHY??!!

And speaking of anti-trust conflicts, the government just spent $3 billion to bailout the entire auto industry through the Cash for Clunkers Program, on top of the $27 billion given to GM and Chrysler earlier. And what have we gotten for our $30 billion dollar investment? The 2010 Sebring? That’s it??!! Marvel Comics was for sale. The Spider-man, Hulk, and X-Men movies made $4.5 billion. Why couldn’t Obama have purchased a company actually worth something?

Anyway, this deal could create some interesting results. Infusing the mind of Stan Lee into Disney could result in Mickey Mouse cartoons I’d actually watch. Donald Duck with a rage-induced transformation. Goofy with laser emitting cuffs. Bambi with adamantium antlers. Yeah, now THAT’s a Disney movie I’d watch. But these three guys? I don’t even want to know what their super powers would be.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

That's One Biiiiiiiig Casket

Today is the big day... Ted Kennedy laid to rest. Not that the event will keep his name off of every talking head news show for the next month, but we will no longer have to watch him get ever fatter. All right, enough with the insults; this is his day. I wanted to offer a salute to the man who lost to Jimmy Carter, but my Boston correspondent was arrested last night on terrorism charges for wearing a Cartoon Network T-Shirt in public. So, I fall back to a submission Maryann McCrory, a dear friend and the only MENSAN that reads this blog, sent to me the other day. This is from The Globe, Volume 38 - Number 18; April 30, 1991

‛A naked and drunk Ted is an awesome, awful sight!’
The allegations leveled against rape suspect William Kennedy Smith are "just the tip of the iceberg" involving the Kennedy family, a jet-set columnist says. And Teddy is one of the raunchiest clan members of all!

Taki, a high society columnist and Greek millionaire, recalls an incident when Teddy arrived for a visit to Greece - and ended up stripping naked and grabbing at an innocent girl.

"He arrived with his nephew, Joe, and asked my girlfriend to bring a couple of her friends along for an after-dinner drink," says Taki. "Had I known then what I know now, I would have brought wrestling champion Hunk Hogan instead!

"After introductions, I took my girl and Joe and left for a nightclub. Teddy asked the third girl, Anita Clifford, to stay a minute.

"The next thing I knew, she came to my house in a state of hysteria. It seems Teddy suddenly got undressed and ... grabbed for her.

"When she screamed, he stopped. But she was already frightened out of her wits. A naked, drunk Teddy can be an awesome as well as an awful sight.

"The next morning, the Kennedys flew out to go see the Pope -- of all people! Meanwhile, poor Anita remained half-hysterical with fright.

"Her father flew over," Taki recalls. "But it was taken no further, as the Cliffords are not the type of people who seek publicity."

Although William Kennedy Smith is portrayed by the Kennedys as a quiet, dignified young man, Taki claims that he's really a savage brute who once beat up a defenseless young girl.

"Willie Smith beat up an English girl I know well," he says. "I asked her to testify against him. She told me she was too scared. As a result she returned to England and has never come back."


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Welcome to America, Muommar

Dearest Momar:

It is with great regret but a hearty ‘Howdy-ho’ that I write you. I recently read about your upcoming trip to address the U.N. General Assembly and the reluctance of some people in Englewood, New Jersey to welcome you into their community. This is appalling and I offer to you a most heartfelt apology. The people of New Jersey do not represent the rest of us and, I suspect, do not have a very strong grasp on what it means to be a real American.













I really don’t understand their hostility in this, the 21st Century, a time for healing, forgiveness, reconciliation, and unprecedented appeasement. It seems some folks just won’t let go of the past. Sure our two nations have had their disagreements in the past, “misunderstandings” we’ll call them. I’m sure you well remember that official visit to your country that Ronald Reagan approved back in April 1986: the French sure do. But let’s not allow the past to interfere with international relations. That is why I am most cordially inviting you to stay with us here in North Alabama. I think you will find southerners quite hospitable.

In light of the fact that you were so accommodating during that last flyover tour by our Air Force and Navy aircraft, my neighbors down the street, the Dewlings, would like to extend an invitation to take a ground tour of their favorite weekend hangout spot. I must warn you, they are quite the off-roaders, so bring something to wear that you don’t mind getting a little dirty.

And while you’re here, Butch McIntyre, who lives on the other side of my place, would like to take you to one of his reenactments, in order for you to learn a little more about our Southern heritage and culture. He and his two boys are quite active in their organization, and his family especially can show you how different cultures melded together to create a vibrant history for the South. As luck would have it several of his relatives from overseas – Scotland, I think – will be visiting during your stay. I’m sure they will be more than excited to see you here.

Now, I realize that as a Sunni follower of Islam you may be concerned that the prevalence and resoluteness of the huge population of Southern Baptists here in the South may give rise to conflict during your stay: nothing could be further from the truth. We are all brothers on this plantet Earth, connected by a higher spirit. The old man that runs the service station out on the county line – I have to admit I don’t even know his name – heard our President when he announced in Turkey that “we do not consider ourselves a Christian nation.” He told me that he would love to have you as his personal guest at his next men’s club meeting. They regularly burn crosses just to emphasize the fact that we are no longer a Christian nation. You may find it quite enlightening.

Finally, I’d love to have you out at our place. This will allow you to see first hand how a simple, rural citizen of the United States lives. There are many things we can do out on the farm. And don’t worry: we can stay up as late as we want and make all the noise we care to make. I live so far out in the country that I assure you – no one will hear a thing. I’m really looking forward to your visit.

Sincerely,
Dermot Jitney

PS: There’s plenty of room and grub – be sure to bring a friend.

One Ed is Better than Two

I know all of you have been waiting patiently for my reaction to the death of one Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy. I'm sorry this is so late in coming this morning, but you see, I had to quit gut-laughing so I could actually hit the keys with my fingers. I heard the news on the radio as I was driving into work and nearly ran off a bridge - don't worry, I was alone. The report said that he lost his battle to brain cancer last night. I guess it just ran out of material. Too bad he didn't have fat cancer - he might've been able to hold on for another half-century or so.

Some of you might say those aren't very Christian comments. Hogwash! I don't buy that for a minute. A good, strong Christian stands up for what is right in the face of evil - and I can think of no better word to describe the Kennedy ilk. I have no sympathy for Ted or anyone around him. The entire family is nothing more than a bunch of drunks, thieves, murderers, Nazi sympathizers, Socialists,
hypocrites, bigots, womanizers, and prostitutes (or whatever it's called when a woman is paid to marry a future president)*. I invite you to do a little research and discover for yourself that these aren't the inflammatory words of a right-wing nut... there is plenty of evidence to support each one. Interestingly, the evidence is hidden away in such places as newspaper articles, encyclopedia entries, biographies, interviews, and pasted over the top of every voting conscience in Massachusetts.

*AND they brainwashed the Terminator, man.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Over Stimulated? Impossible.

On the heels of the Department of Transportation’s claim of windfall success in the Cash for Clunkers Program, the Department of Energy has announced its own foray into the stimulus market: Funds for Fridges. This program, to be thrust upon the American taxpayer later this fall, will offer $50 to $200 rebates for purchases of Energy Star Certified appliances to replace older, less certified models.

This will help Al Gore save the Earth through the purchase of ‘greener’ appliances and help pay for the EPA-funded Energy Star program through the expanded collection of certification fees. Unlike the DOT’s program, there is no trade-in requirement for Funds for Fridges, so you can move that old side-by-side to the bar you’re building in the basement.

No word yet on whether the dishwasher I bought last fall will still cost me the $650 I paid for it.

Not to be left out of the loop the Social Security Administration is announcing its own incentive program to begin in the next few weeks: Gold for Geezers. “With the impending doom of the retirement fund by 2037,” stated SSA spokesman Bertram Dorsey, “we must get aggressive in reducing the amount of funds flowing out of the program, and at the same time, do what we can to help the economy at large.”

Gold For Geezers takes its design from each of the previous programs. For the next 28 years, taxpayers can turn in any American over the age of 65 to their local Social Security Office, and in return receive an Energy Star Certified toaster and a Gold Card Credit Card with a $2500 balance already on it – no purchase necessary! “Gold for Geezers allows us to do what we can by injecting much-needed credit into the economy and a little potassium chloride into the elderly,” said Dorsey.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Who's Who in What's What?

I ran across this article and pilfered this photo (that's legal if I send you there, right?):


That’s Lady Gaga on the left and Roisin Murphy on the right… or maybe it’s the other way around. I have to admit I don’t know who the Irish chick is… and am not really sure who Lady Gaga is, but I do see their point about the copycatting. Of course, my thought is: Who cares? If it looks like crap, acts like crap, and sounds like crap, it’s probably not music anyway.

But that got me to thinking about an egregious copy that my friend Jesse pointed out to me:












That’s Jim “Dandy” Mangrum of Black Oak Arkansas on the left and David Lee Roth of The All Encompassing Universe of David Lee Roth on the right. Hmm. Coincidence? Did you ever accidentally dress that way? And it’s not just the costume. Check out old BOA videos and compare the actions to those in Van Halen videos. Double-Hmm.

How about these two:












Or these two:









Or these two:












Can you think of any other famous copycatters out there?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

A Little Quickie

I'll be back with another installment on Healthcare Reform soon, but just a little quickie today to tide you over. Call it Lifestyle Advice.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with letting the world know about your opinions. Everyone has that need - why do you think I spend time writing this blog? I encourage all of you to let your feelings out and support those causes which are dear to your heart.

Having said that, I have one word of caution: UPKEEP - just a little bit of it will help ensure that your message is effectively, clearly, and accurately delivered.



Tuesday, August 11, 2009

HELTHКAЯE ЯEFORM (Part 4)

"You Aren’t Going to Pay"

You, my fellow Americans, aren’t going to pay a dime out-of-pocket for this healthcare reform. The pharmaceutical and medical industries are fronting much of the money. The rest will come from tax increases on the wealthiest Americans, who paid a lower percentage of income tax during the Bush administration than they did 30 years ago. Isn’t it high time that corporate America (profitable under the Bush administration and controlled by rich people) starts covering its fair share of the insurance expenses of their employees? For far too long corporate America has acted irresponsibility when it comes to the welfare of the American working man, and now we are going to see to it that Wall Street steps to the plate to make sure all the children in this country have insurance coverage. You don’t want your children to be without medical care, do you? Washington is going to protect your children from the Bush Administration!!!... uh, I mean, Corporate America!

And there you have it… the reason you will ultimately go along with Healthcare Reform. I realize that you may know better, but for those who don’t: You means you.

While in the past Healthcare Reform has been slung around only during election cycles in order to split votes, now it is being pressed with but one objection: financial. This assures the passage of healthcare reform because any reason without a philosophical base can be overcome with lies and promises, and who is better at those than Washington? The politicians shall overcome your objections by assuring you that healthcare reform won’t cost you a dime. After all, don’t corporations owe their employees that much? They can afford it!

Of course they can… it’s all there on your paycheck. Go ahead and pull one out. You will see some "withholdings" from the money you earned. (That’s such a nice word: withholdings. So much better than "money you earned but are not allowed to lay your hands on… even for a second.") Amongst them are such entries as Federal Income Tax, FICA [which stands for the Federal Insurance Contributions Act (Social Security and Medicare)], and state income tax. You may see something like an occupational tax, if your county commission is completely out of control, and there may be a wage garnishment or two, depending upon the nature of your extracurricular activities. Somewhere on your paystub you likely will see an entry for health, dental, and possibly vision insurance. If you do not have some sort of insurance available through your employer you are probably in a very low paying, low skilled position. I don’t mean to offend; I am merely making an observation that you are refusing to make on your own.

You were probably ticked off the first time you saw deductions for FICA on your paycheck, and with good reason. After all, the federal government takes 6.2% of your wages to cover Social Security and 1.45% of the money you earn to help pay for Medicare, right? Wrong. What you don’t see on your paycheck is that your employer has to match those amounts. That’s right. The company you work for sends a check in every quarter for the same amount as those deductions in your paycheck. But that’s not all. He also has to pay state and federal unemployment taxes on the first bit of your salary, and he’s paying for part of that insurance you elected to get. He may even be matching your 401K contributions to some extent. That’s pretty nice of him, isn’t it? No, it’s just smart business, which is neither good nor bad. In order to attract the best employees a company has to offer the best package of salary and benefits. Matching funds and insurance policies are investments in personnel. And don’t feel sorry for The Company because of all those taxes it pays, either. Those taxes aren’t meant to punish the company, because a corporation cannot be taxed. Let me explain why.

A corporation, at its root, is merely a pool of resources provided by a number of different sources, all of whom would like to limit their personal exposure. Catch that? Read it again. Let’s look at an example:

You rebuild Volkswagen Beetle steering racks for a small company. You are good at it and could charge quite a bit of money for each one you refurbish. The company you work for makes money every time one sells. So why don’t you just rebuild them on your own? Any number of reasons: you may not be in a position to afford the equipment, the inventory, the proper tools, the facility, the liability insurance, advertising, or any of the rest of the financial investment required to start up a business. And then there’s the time. As it is you come in at 8:00 AM and do at least what is minimally required of you and leave at 5:00 PM. You don’t have to think about work at night, over the weekends, or during your vacations and time off. You don’t have to go through the hassles of finding customers and promoting the business. You don’t have to possess the drive to make the company successful. You have added value to the company (through the work you perform), have profited from it (through the salary and benefits you earn), and limited your exposure to just your performance reviews as they relate to the vitality of the company. Your investment: your skill and 40 hours per week.

The owner of that company you work for is the one who made all of those investments you were able to skirt. He likely started out on his own, working as a one-man shop, finding customers, doing piecemeal work, saving his profits to buy equipment, rent or buy a facility, struggling to buy insurance to protect his investments. You may say, "Well, his grandfather gave him that garage… if I’d had a place given to me I’d have-"

No! There are plenty of empty garages sitting around this country with nothing going on in them. The garage, or even the gift of a garage, does not pay for the energy, time, and drive put into the company by the man who started it. He shows up at 6:00 AM and leaves at 7:00 PM, thinks about the company all night long, can’t wait to get to work the next morning, and feels he’s betraying it when he’s away on vacation or taking a day off. His investment to the company, in addition to its creation, is his time, his skills, and his experience – which he uses to mentor his employees, passing down his knowledge for their advancement. His return is that he gets paid… after his employees. The small, start-up business owner often makes less money than many of his employees, and even the heads of larger companies can find themselves in this position due to performance-based bonuses. But by incorporating he limits his personal exposure (his retirement, his house, his cars, his children’s college funds) in the event that "it" all hits the proverbial fan and his business collapses.

Of course, he could keep more of his money if he just incorporated and didn’t hire you, but that’s not how his mind works. He built his reputation up to the point where he couldn’t keep up with orders. Rather than raising his prices a little and staying in that first garage, he started expanding. There was more work out there and he relished the challenge of taking it on, but recognized he would need help, so he hired his first employee. His profits didn’t double, but his headaches did. There were taxes of all kinds and at all levels, insurance (covering that employee in the delivery van, that employee’s work product, workers comp, etc), and other benefits, such as health insurance. Now, it’s true he may not be forced to provide insurance by federal law, but the market will at some point demand it if he wants to employ the best rack rebuilders.

That is the basic outline of a corporation. There are other folks involved, from investors to banks, but each is limiting his exposure through the nature of the corporate form. The only element missing are the customers. While all of these other parts are important, the customers are critical; the customers are the only source of income. That’s another one you need to read again. Sure there is the initial investment, there may be loans, and a public offering, but each of these is earmarked for start-up, expansion, or the purchase of the company from the original owner. The customers represent the only source of income for a true corporation. (Semi-private companies such as the United States Postal Service and nationalized companies like General Motors do not count here because they are so poorly run they depend upon income from the Federal Government in order to exist. They are, instead, excellent examples of how the government is incapable of running a business well or making sound market investments.) This concept of income is important: The Customers Represent the only Source of Income for a Corporation. Income is what pays for all of the expenses a corporation faces. Don’t worry, we’re not going to get into heavy accounting principles here, so we’ll simplify the definition of corporate expenses.

There are expenses for things like inventory, supplies, tooling, facilities, advertising, etc. Every accountant out there will cringe at this but for our purposes we’ll label all these as operating expenses. The corporation also has expenses related to you: your salary, taxes, and benefits, including health insurance. We’ll call these personnel expenses. Then there are insurance expenses for the company itself. And finally the ubiquitous tax expenses, which include corporate profits, property and business taxes, and the portion of your income and other taxes charged directly to the company.

Without getting too complex with our accounting we know that income is what pays for expenses. The money that comes in from customers has to cover all of those expenses: operations, personnel, insurance, and taxes. No money comes in from any of the expenses. Remember: income comes in only from customers. Of the expenses, taxes are not flexible; the government demands a certain amount or percentage, and the company has no choice but to pay what the government demands… in full, no room for negotiation. Insurance is almost as inflexible: you either pay for it and have it, or you don’t. The company can opt for different levels of insurance, but not opt out of it. Again, even when the company is not required to provide employee insurance, market conditions will usually demand it. The operating expenses are flexible to an extent, but the costs for parts, materials, facilities, etc., are set by entities outside the corporation. That leaves employee salaries, which are the most flexible of all of the expenses because they are the most negotiable, especially in a rough business cycle as more applicants are vying for fewer jobs.
Did you know that the underwire in a woman’s bra can produce enough static electricity to power a laptop computer for 3 minutes?


I felt you slipping away with the accounting talk; I hope that woke you up. It’s not important that you study any of that particularly closely as long as you generally follow what I said. In the event that any of the expenses rise with no corresponding increase in income (sales to customers), the corporation has no choice but to balance its budget by cutting other expenses. Make no mistake about it: a corporation has to balance its budget or it ceases to exist. (It is the drive for profits that keeps the corporation going and from being just a wash.) There is no savings account from which it can pull money for new benefits expenses. There’s no rich uncle’s will that’ll cover tax increases. There’s no Social Security column it can “borrow” figures from. And cutting operating expenses will threaten to reduce the company’s capacity to make sales. Where does that leave us? Your salary.

Now, XYZ Rack Restorers is making sales, covering operating expenses, paying taxes, buying insurance, and wants to hire you. The boss knows there will be expenses associated with hiring you, so he will determine what he can afford to pay you (what he pays you versus the amount of sales increase you represent), then reduce it by X (X being the sum of the income tax, other taxes, and benefits he will have to provide):

What You Are Worth – X = What You Are Paid

In the event any expense increases the company will have to raise prices and/or turn to the most flexible expense it faces: your salary. Picture an old fashioned set of scales: on the left is the income from sales; on the right, all of the expenses. When any of the expenses become a heavier burden on the company it must either increases sales (left), or eliminate some of the most flexible portion of the expense (right). There are limits to both of those, and when a company is forced past the limits of both it ceases to exist.

I have written all of this just to state this:

When the expenses on a business increase, only two parties pay: the clients through higher prices and/or the employees through lower wages.

If the federal government raises corporate taxes to pay for healthcare reform, you will pay for it. Even if it doesn’t come directly out of your paycheck because your employer is able to raise prices, you will pay for it through higher prices charged by the businesses from which you buy products. If companies are forced to purchase health insurance provided by the federal government (see: the United States Postal Service and General Motors), you will ultimately pay for the increase in expense and decrease in efficiency. Corporations cannot be taxed, fined, or forced; the customers and employees will pay… every time.

None of this, of course, should worry you or deter you from allowing – nay – demanding your government pursue healthcare reform. After all, who knows more about healthcare than Barak Obama? If there is to be a universal, comprehensive, all-inclusive, omni-present, all caring, all knowing, all loving healthcare system in this country, we are all going to have to be willing to make a sacrifice. Go ahead and say that phrase out loud. "We’re all going to have to be willing to make a sacrifice." After all, we’re all in this together. Go ahead, say it again. "We’re all going to have to make a sacrifice." There is no 'I' in team. One more time. "I’m going to have to make a sacrifice." There, now… wasn’t that easy? Now, go lie down and let your congressmen take care of the rest.