Welcome to America, Muommar

Dearest Momar:

It is with great regret but a hearty ‘Howdy-ho’ that I write you. I recently read about your upcoming trip to address the U.N. General Assembly and the reluctance of some people in Englewood, New Jersey to welcome you into their community. This is appalling and I offer to you a most heartfelt apology. The people of New Jersey do not represent the rest of us and, I suspect, do not have a very strong grasp on what it means to be a real American.

I really don’t understand their hostility in this, the 21st Century, a time for healing, forgiveness, reconciliation, and unprecedented appeasement. It seems some folks just won’t let go of the past. Sure our two nations have had their disagreements in the past, “misunderstandings” we’ll call them. I’m sure you well remember that official visit to your country that Ronald Reagan approved back in April 1986: the French sure do. But let’s not allow the past to interfere with international relations. That is why I am most cordially inviting you to stay with us here in North Alabama. I think you will find southerners quite hospitable.

In light of the fact that you were so accommodating during that last flyover tour by our Air Force and Navy aircraft, my neighbors down the street, the Dewlings, would like to extend an invitation to take a ground tour of their favorite weekend hangout spot. I must warn you, they are quite the off-roaders, so bring something to wear that you don’t mind getting a little dirty.

And while you’re here, Butch McIntyre, who lives on the other side of my place, would like to take you to one of his reenactments, in order for you to learn a little more about our Southern heritage and culture. He and his two boys are quite active in their organization, and his family especially can show you how different cultures melded together to create a vibrant history for the South. As luck would have it several of his relatives from overseas – Scotland, I think – will be visiting during your stay. I’m sure they will be more than excited to see you here.

Now, I realize that as a Sunni follower of Islam you may be concerned that the prevalence and resoluteness of the huge population of Southern Baptists here in the South may give rise to conflict during your stay: nothing could be further from the truth. We are all brothers on this plantet Earth, connected by a higher spirit. The old man that runs the service station out on the county line – I have to admit I don’t even know his name – heard our President when he announced in Turkey that “we do not consider ourselves a Christian nation.” He told me that he would love to have you as his personal guest at his next men’s club meeting. They regularly burn crosses just to emphasize the fact that we are no longer a Christian nation. You may find it quite enlightening.

Finally, I’d love to have you out at our place. This will allow you to see first hand how a simple, rural citizen of the United States lives. There are many things we can do out on the farm. And don’t worry: we can stay up as late as we want and make all the noise we care to make. I live so far out in the country that I assure you – no one will hear a thing. I’m really looking forward to your visit.

Sincerely,
Dermot Jitney

PS: There’s plenty of room and grub – be sure to bring a friend.