THE GREATEST COP EVER

My drive to work every morning is a 35 mile commute consisting of about 1/3 back roads, 1/3 interstate, and 1/3 back roads. That little stretch of interstate 65 starts just before it reduces from three lanes to two, and continues on for another nine miles. As I got on the highway this morning I saw in the far left lane what looked like the shortest, fastest funeral procession in the world: a white Dodge Charger not four feet off the rear bumper of a green Jeep Laredo, both doing 75 mph!

As I began the process of passing them in one of the two completely clear lanes to the right I realized the Charger was an Alabama State Trooper. I also noticed that the two of them were headed right for the lane closure. The trooper apparently realized this, too, because he moved over to the middle lane, sped up slightly to get alongside the Jeep, then tapped his brakes so that he would stay there. The Jeep sped toward the lane closure nipples and plowed right over them as the concrete dividing wall swerved in toward the driver's door. Seconds before contact the Jeep hit the brakes and fell in behind the trooper. The Dodge then sped up ahead.

Red is all I could see. I was furious! I can not stand the abuse of power, but especially from a police officer. I was raised the son of a cop and was taught that they, above all else, must have respect for the law and civil order. This trooper figures the stickers on his car give him license to behave any way he wants. What was his problem, anyway? I mean, the Jeep was going 5 mph over the speed limit. That wasn't enough? I couldn't catch up with the Charger because of some other traffic, but I was going to try to get that license and car number.

Racing at 85 in the left lane trying to catch the cop I was unable to scoot over and exit behind him, again because of traffic. (I did notice he only had markings on the passenger side of the car, I guess so he could park on the side of the highway with his hood up to zap speeders with his radar gun. Sneaky jerk.) So I had to settle with fantasy. Because I would have exited behind him and followed him. Maybe to that gas station down there off the interstate. I'd pull up right behind him with my headlights on, you know, like they do to us. Maybe I'd even throw my hazards on in order to add to the illusion. Yeah, that's it. Then I'd proceed to call the Alabama Department of Public Safety and report his behavior.

[The great thing about Alabama is that we can get away with that. In other states you would then be on the side of the road getting a bumper to bumper inspection, which you'd surely fail after the cop broke a turn signal lens with his nightstick. In Alabama, with no vehicle inspection requirements, I could have a live goat glued to my driver's window and still fall well within the legal parameters of vehicle safety.]

So, I'm standing there right in front of this jerk cop, looking right into his mirrored sunglasses, and reporting to his captain just what a jerk he is. The captain tells me that normally they don't take third party complaints but that this isn't the first time they've had a problem with this guy and asks if I'd be willing to come in and fill out a statement. Gladly. Then later, with statement in hand, the captain goes to the board to have the cop fired and blacklisted and suggests that I be in charge of making sure cops respect the law and don't act like jerks to the common citizenry. Soon I'm in charge of this program all over the south and then the nation. I have a whole team of people looking for jerk troopers tailgating people on the highway, or driving 85 mph without their lights on or – ooh, I hate this one – driving on the interstate at 45 mph knowing there are enough dummies out there who won't pass them to clog up traffic so that I'm just putting along at half my normal speed and-

I suddenly realized that the cop had exited a mile and a half ago and in that span I had changed lanes no less than eight times and altered my speed from 65 to 80 mph repeatedly. What on earth could be the problem in traf- Oh, the green Jeep Laredo. Well, I'll just slip over into the right lane and pa- nope, a semi is coming up. Well, perhaps she'll move over once she sees that I'm tryin- No, she seems to be pretty oblivious to her surroundings. Maybe if I just edge up a little closer to her bumper she'll take notice? All right, I'll flash my lights at her. Honking! What is this woman doing?! Every time there's a gap in traffic, she speeds up just enough to cut me off! Maybe Icanpassherontheshoulder!GOODGODWOMAN
WHATISYOURPROBLEM?I'MGOINGTORUNHEROFFTHEFREAKINGROADANDWATCH
THEJEEPBURSTINTOFLA-

*ehem*

[knuckle crack]

*deep sigh*

I want to apologize to the Alabama State Trooper who was driving perhaps a little too close to the very annoying lady driver in the Jeep Laredo this morning on I-65. I'm sorry I insisted on your imaginary removal from the force. You showed great restraint in dealing with a frustrating situation and I commend you. You are a fine example for the force and cops everywhere. If I'd have been wearing a badge... I'd have shot her.