Several of my friends and family have had babies of late, and they've all been scrambling for information... or at least confirmation that their child is normal and their parenting skills are adequate. Women have a slew of resources out there, from new mommy books to old mommies themselves. But guys? Not so many sources. You can seek parenting advice from your friends, 
but that's probably not a very good idea.
but that's probably not a very good idea. You can turn to a family member, like an uncle... but again, that's
probably not a very good idea.In recent years a new alternative has popped up: Daddy Boot Camps. In these "boot camps" coaches and/or experienced dads teach daddies-to-be the finer points of being a dad, like how to swaddle, how to change diapers,
how to burp, and how to bathe infants. I'm against these. Not because they don't provide good advice - I wouldn't know; I did it the hard way - but because I'm cheap. Why pay good money for someone to teach what comes somewhat naturally to most folks?
Still, there are questions, but fear not... I have answers.
THE DADDY DIARIES
As a guy who's been there and done that... twice, I want to pass on to my fellow man-dads out there the knowledge I gained going through it all. Most of the information here is nothing more than you will observe on your own, but perhaps it will give you confidence in those moments you find yourself wondering just what the hell is going on and what in the hell you did to get yourself where you are.
Childbirth is usually not that difficult for the dad-in-waiting, so I really just have one piece of advice. If you are in the delivery room (which I recommend), when you hear the word 'episiotomy' (which you will), turn the other way (which I highly recommend).
In caring for infants there are really only two things a father needs to know: if it's a boy, wipe up; if it's a girl, wipe down. That's pretty much it. For all other needs just listen to the kid's mother. Mothers can tell the difference between a 'hungry cry' and a 'pain cry' - or so they claim. It's neither here nor there. As long as you do what the mother says you likely won't get blamed if the baby becomes gangrenous or emaciated. And in the end that's all we can hope for: not that our child will turn out normal (which it won't), but that we won't get blamed if it turns out weird (which it will).
Once you get your newborn home you will notice that it seemingly has no control over its head or limbs, doesn't react to the sound of your voice, and takes absolutely no interest in your existence. Don't be alarmed... this is perfectly normal. This stage of development will end when your child is about 1 month old... then start again at the age of 13 years.
Be gentle with your newborn, but not obsessively so. It is a well-known fact that babies are made of rubber. That being said, they don't make very good basketballs. Try not to drop them too often.
When food is consumed by an adult there are two ways it can come back out of the body, and 99.99% of the time you know which way that will be. Be warned that that rule is suspended for babies: there are no less than six different ways, including the tear ducts, that food - at any stage of digestion - can come back out of a baby. This can happen at any time and without warning. Usually, though, there will be a lag time after each occurrence, so the best time to hold your new child is immediately after it pukes on your sister.
Babies ooze. Even when they aren't spitting up or pooping their diapers, an endless supply of unidentifiable goo leaks out of every baby orifice. This is another good reason not to be in the presence of a baby without its mother. Let her clean it... she is equipped to handle the situation. Be forewarned, though: close your eyes! This woman - the one who turned out the lights and placed a box of Wet Wipes next to the bed when the two of you were making said baby - this woman will reach over with her bare hand and scoop viscous liquids off your baby's nostril without so much of a pause. If you want to look into her eyes and feel the desire to hold her close, close your eyes when the baby starts oozing.
Babies sleep, you don't. It kills me when I see brand new parents get googly eyed over how cute their sleeping baby is. Give it a few weeks. That's no sleeping baby... it's a stick of dynamite. When you coax the little buggar off to neverland, all you are doing is lighting the fuse. You lie down in bed and try to count sheep, but the whole time you're thinking:
how to burp, and how to bathe infants. I'm against these. Not because they don't provide good advice - I wouldn't know; I did it the hard way - but because I'm cheap. Why pay good money for someone to teach what comes somewhat naturally to most folks?Still, there are questions, but fear not... I have answers.
THE DADDY DIARIES
As a guy who's been there and done that... twice, I want to pass on to my fellow man-dads out there the knowledge I gained going through it all. Most of the information here is nothing more than you will observe on your own, but perhaps it will give you confidence in those moments you find yourself wondering just what the hell is going on and what in the hell you did to get yourself where you are.
Childbirth is usually not that difficult for the dad-in-waiting, so I really just have one piece of advice. If you are in the delivery room (which I recommend), when you hear the word 'episiotomy' (which you will), turn the other way (which I highly recommend).
In caring for infants there are really only two things a father needs to know: if it's a boy, wipe up; if it's a girl, wipe down. That's pretty much it. For all other needs just listen to the kid's mother. Mothers can tell the difference between a 'hungry cry' and a 'pain cry' - or so they claim. It's neither here nor there. As long as you do what the mother says you likely won't get blamed if the baby becomes gangrenous or emaciated. And in the end that's all we can hope for: not that our child will turn out normal (which it won't), but that we won't get blamed if it turns out weird (which it will).
Once you get your newborn home you will notice that it seemingly has no control over its head or limbs, doesn't react to the sound of your voice, and takes absolutely no interest in your existence. Don't be alarmed... this is perfectly normal. This stage of development will end when your child is about 1 month old... then start again at the age of 13 years.
Be gentle with your newborn, but not obsessively so. It is a well-known fact that babies are made of rubber. That being said, they don't make very good basketballs. Try not to drop them too often.
When food is consumed by an adult there are two ways it can come back out of the body, and 99.99% of the time you know which way that will be. Be warned that that rule is suspended for babies: there are no less than six different ways, including the tear ducts, that food - at any stage of digestion - can come back out of a baby. This can happen at any time and without warning. Usually, though, there will be a lag time after each occurrence, so the best time to hold your new child is immediately after it pukes on your sister.
Babies ooze. Even when they aren't spitting up or pooping their diapers, an endless supply of unidentifiable goo leaks out of every baby orifice. This is another good reason not to be in the presence of a baby without its mother. Let her clean it... she is equipped to handle the situation. Be forewarned, though: close your eyes! This woman - the one who turned out the lights and placed a box of Wet Wipes next to the bed when the two of you were making said baby - this woman will reach over with her bare hand and scoop viscous liquids off your baby's nostril without so much of a pause. If you want to look into her eyes and feel the desire to hold her close, close your eyes when the baby starts oozing.Babies sleep, you don't. It kills me when I see brand new parents get googly eyed over how cute their sleeping baby is. Give it a few weeks. That's no sleeping baby... it's a stick of dynamite. When you coax the little buggar off to neverland, all you are doing is lighting the fuse. You lie down in bed and try to count sheep, but the whole time you're thinking:
How long will it be? Will I get to sleep an hour? Four hours? Dare I dream! No! Two hours. Yes, two hours will do. Please, Lord, put the baby in a coma... for two hours. That's it. I just need a little rest. I can't feel my feet and the backs of my ears are burning. What was that? Oh, God, is that the baby??!! No, just the wind. Please, Lord, don't let it wake up. Why did we have to have a baby? What were we thinking!! No, no, I love the baby. She's so sweet. Please, Lord, make it sleep...
You're going to be overwhelmed with the desire to take pictures of your baby from the second it leaves the hospital. That is okay. You may take all of the photos that were taken of you when you were a child. Being held. Sleeping. Rocking. Bathing. Spread-eagled on the changing table (thanks, daddy). Click until your heart's content. 
Then stop. After about three months you need to put the camera away. Everyone else will have lost interest in even seeing your baby, so you should've lost interest in taking photographs of it by then. If you don't believe me look back at your baby photos. Go on, look. There isn't a single one from after those first hairs popped out on your head until those first teeth started falling out of your mouth, is there? That's the way it is supposed to be, so put away the iPhone and stop updating junior's Facebook page.
You will notice, sooner rather than later, that you will begin to hate your baby. Do not be alarmed. This is again perfectly normal. Men in general do not mix well with babies. We envision teaching a child to track, shoot, and kill. We dream of being the mentor who shows the tyke how to change out a carburetor on a '69 Camaro. How to use a bow and arrow, make a pair of stilts, and go ice fishing (even if it's a girl). Babies can't do any of that, so don't feel bad about not liking it. All they can do is wobble around like a rag doll, which is exactly what your wife wanted when she decided to have a baby. She will care for it, feed it, and make sure it doesn't poke itself in the face with a lawnmower. In a few years that baby will be old enough for you to begin teaching it all those things you wanted to pass on... which is about the time your wife will have lost interest in it altogether. Ah, the circle of life is a beautiful thing.
Then stop. After about three months you need to put the camera away. Everyone else will have lost interest in even seeing your baby, so you should've lost interest in taking photographs of it by then. If you don't believe me look back at your baby photos. Go on, look. There isn't a single one from after those first hairs popped out on your head until those first teeth started falling out of your mouth, is there? That's the way it is supposed to be, so put away the iPhone and stop updating junior's Facebook page.You will notice, sooner rather than later, that you will begin to hate your baby. Do not be alarmed. This is again perfectly normal. Men in general do not mix well with babies. We envision teaching a child to track, shoot, and kill. We dream of being the mentor who shows the tyke how to change out a carburetor on a '69 Camaro. How to use a bow and arrow, make a pair of stilts, and go ice fishing (even if it's a girl). Babies can't do any of that, so don't feel bad about not liking it. All they can do is wobble around like a rag doll, which is exactly what your wife wanted when she decided to have a baby. She will care for it, feed it, and make sure it doesn't poke itself in the face with a lawnmower. In a few years that baby will be old enough for you to begin teaching it all those things you wanted to pass on... which is about the time your wife will have lost interest in it altogether. Ah, the circle of life is a beautiful thing.
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