The Marvel of Disney

By now everyone has heard the news: The Walt Disney Company has purchased Marvel Comics for $4 billion. Actually, I don’t know that any teenaged girls knew about it, but I’ll bet every dateless Iron Man fan did… down to the last pocket protector. I don’t see any way on earth that this marriage is going to work. How are they going to combine a bunch of androgynous mutants dressed in bizarre costumes with these guys?

Now, calm down before you panic… Miley Cyrus isn’t trying on Wonder Woman costumes just yet. The boards of both companies have to approve, as well as the Marvel stockholders. Of course, that shouldn’t be a problem as stockholders are people who look at the profits and bottom lines, not at tights and storylines. The odd thing is that the whole affair has to get the okay from the federal government under the guise of anti-trust law. ANTI-TRUST of what??!! Cartoon characters? Children’s entertainment? Aren’t all of these things optional? How can you… what is the purpose of… in a... just…WHY??!!

And speaking of anti-trust conflicts, the government just spent $3 billion to bailout the entire auto industry through the Cash for Clunkers Program, on top of the $27 billion given to GM and Chrysler earlier. And what have we gotten for our $30 billion dollar investment? The 2010 Sebring? That’s it??!! Marvel Comics was for sale. The Spider-man, Hulk, and X-Men movies made $4.5 billion. Why couldn’t Obama have purchased a company actually worth something?

Anyway, this deal could create some interesting results. Infusing the mind of Stan Lee into Disney could result in Mickey Mouse cartoons I’d actually watch. Donald Duck with a rage-induced transformation. Goofy with laser emitting cuffs. Bambi with adamantium antlers. Yeah, now THAT’s a Disney movie I’d watch. But these three guys? I don’t even want to know what their super powers would be.

That's One Biiiiiiiig Casket

Today is the big day... Ted Kennedy laid to rest. Not that the event will keep his name off of every talking head news show for the next month, but we will no longer have to watch him get ever fatter. All right, enough with the insults; this is his day. I wanted to offer a salute to the man who lost to Jimmy Carter, but my Boston correspondent was arrested last night on terrorism charges for wearing a Cartoon Network T-Shirt in public. So, I fall back to a submission Maryann McCrory, a dear friend and the only MENSAN that reads this blog, sent to me the other day. This is from The Globe, Volume 38 - Number 18; April 30, 1991

‛A naked and drunk Ted is an awesome, awful sight!’
The allegations leveled against rape suspect William Kennedy Smith are "just the tip of the iceberg" involving the Kennedy family, a jet-set columnist says. And Teddy is one of the raunchiest clan members of all!

Taki, a high society columnist and Greek millionaire, recalls an incident when Teddy arrived for a visit to Greece - and ended up stripping naked and grabbing at an innocent girl.

"He arrived with his nephew, Joe, and asked my girlfriend to bring a couple of her friends along for an after-dinner drink," says Taki. "Had I known then what I know now, I would have brought wrestling champion Hunk Hogan instead!

"After introductions, I took my girl and Joe and left for a nightclub. Teddy asked the third girl, Anita Clifford, to stay a minute.

"The next thing I knew, she came to my house in a state of hysteria. It seems Teddy suddenly got undressed and ... grabbed for her.

"When she screamed, he stopped. But she was already frightened out of her wits. A naked, drunk Teddy can be an awesome as well as an awful sight.

"The next morning, the Kennedys flew out to go see the Pope -- of all people! Meanwhile, poor Anita remained half-hysterical with fright.

"Her father flew over," Taki recalls. "But it was taken no further, as the Cliffords are not the type of people who seek publicity."

Although William Kennedy Smith is portrayed by the Kennedys as a quiet, dignified young man, Taki claims that he's really a savage brute who once beat up a defenseless young girl.

"Willie Smith beat up an English girl I know well," he says. "I asked her to testify against him. She told me she was too scared. As a result she returned to England and has never come back."

Welcome to America, Muommar

Dearest Momar:

It is with great regret but a hearty ‘Howdy-ho’ that I write you. I recently read about your upcoming trip to address the U.N. General Assembly and the reluctance of some people in Englewood, New Jersey to welcome you into their community. This is appalling and I offer to you a most heartfelt apology. The people of New Jersey do not represent the rest of us and, I suspect, do not have a very strong grasp on what it means to be a real American.

I really don’t understand their hostility in this, the 21st Century, a time for healing, forgiveness, reconciliation, and unprecedented appeasement. It seems some folks just won’t let go of the past. Sure our two nations have had their disagreements in the past, “misunderstandings” we’ll call them. I’m sure you well remember that official visit to your country that Ronald Reagan approved back in April 1986: the French sure do. But let’s not allow the past to interfere with international relations. That is why I am most cordially inviting you to stay with us here in North Alabama. I think you will find southerners quite hospitable.

In light of the fact that you were so accommodating during that last flyover tour by our Air Force and Navy aircraft, my neighbors down the street, the Dewlings, would like to extend an invitation to take a ground tour of their favorite weekend hangout spot. I must warn you, they are quite the off-roaders, so bring something to wear that you don’t mind getting a little dirty.

And while you’re here, Butch McIntyre, who lives on the other side of my place, would like to take you to one of his reenactments, in order for you to learn a little more about our Southern heritage and culture. He and his two boys are quite active in their organization, and his family especially can show you how different cultures melded together to create a vibrant history for the South. As luck would have it several of his relatives from overseas – Scotland, I think – will be visiting during your stay. I’m sure they will be more than excited to see you here.

Now, I realize that as a Sunni follower of Islam you may be concerned that the prevalence and resoluteness of the huge population of Southern Baptists here in the South may give rise to conflict during your stay: nothing could be further from the truth. We are all brothers on this plantet Earth, connected by a higher spirit. The old man that runs the service station out on the county line – I have to admit I don’t even know his name – heard our President when he announced in Turkey that “we do not consider ourselves a Christian nation.” He told me that he would love to have you as his personal guest at his next men’s club meeting. They regularly burn crosses just to emphasize the fact that we are no longer a Christian nation. You may find it quite enlightening.

Finally, I’d love to have you out at our place. This will allow you to see first hand how a simple, rural citizen of the United States lives. There are many things we can do out on the farm. And don’t worry: we can stay up as late as we want and make all the noise we care to make. I live so far out in the country that I assure you – no one will hear a thing. I’m really looking forward to your visit.

Sincerely,
Dermot Jitney

PS: There’s plenty of room and grub – be sure to bring a friend.

One Ed is Better than Two

I know all of you have been waiting patiently for my reaction to the death of one Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy. I'm sorry this is so late in coming this morning, but you see, I had to quit gut-laughing so I could actually hit the keys with my fingers. I heard the news on the radio as I was driving into work and nearly ran off a bridge - don't worry, I was alone. The report said that he lost his battle to brain cancer last night. I guess it just ran out of material. Too bad he didn't have fat cancer - he might've been able to hold on for another half-century or so.

Some of you might say those aren't very Christian comments. Hogwash! I don't buy that for a minute. A good, strong Christian stands up for what is right in the face of evil - and I can think of no better word to describe the Kennedy ilk. I have no sympathy for Ted or anyone around him. The entire family is nothing more than a bunch of drunks, thieves, murderers, Nazi sympathizers, Socialists,

hypocrites, bigots, womanizers, and prostitutes (or whatever it's called when a woman is paid to marry a future president)*. I invite you to do a little research and discover for yourself that these aren't the inflammatory words of a right-wing nut... there is plenty of evidence to support each one. Interestingly, the evidence is hidden away in such places as newspaper articles, encyclopedia entries, biographies, interviews, and pasted over the top of every voting conscience in Massachusetts.

*AND they brainwashed the Terminator, man.

Over Stimulated? Impossible.

On the heels of the Department of Transportation’s claim of windfall success in the Cash for Clunkers Program, the Department of Energy has announced its own foray into the stimulus market: Funds for Fridges. This program, to be thrust upon the American taxpayer later this fall, will offer $50 to $200 rebates for purchases of Energy Star Certified appliances to replace older, less certified models.

This will help Al Gore save the Earth through the purchase of ‘greener’ appliances and help pay for the EPA-funded Energy Star program through the expanded collection of certification fees. Unlike the DOT’s program, there is no trade-in requirement for Funds for Fridges, so you can move that old side-by-side to the bar you’re building in the basement.

No word yet on whether the dishwasher I bought last fall will still cost me the $650 I paid for it.

Not to be left out of the loop the Social Security Administration is announcing its own incentive program to begin in the next few weeks: Gold for Geezers. “With the impending doom of the retirement fund by 2037,” stated SSA spokesman Bertram Dorsey, “we must get aggressive in reducing the amount of funds flowing out of the program, and at the same time, do what we can to help the economy at large.”

Gold For Geezers takes its design from each of the previous programs. For the next 28 years, taxpayers can turn in any American over the age of 65 to their local Social Security Office, and in return receive an Energy Star Certified toaster and a Gold Card Credit Card with a $2500 balance already on it – no purchase necessary! “Gold for Geezers allows us to do what we can by injecting much-needed credit into the economy and a little potassium chloride into the elderly,” said Dorsey.