My Name is Bruce (2007)

[This is a very difficult post for me to write. Not only am I a Bruce Campbell fan, I am also reading Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends & Influence People, which instructs me not to criticize, although, officially, I have not yet accepted Carnegie’s doctrine. What’s more, I consider Bruce Campbell to be very close to me. I used to be on the Burt & Kurt morning radio show. Burt Weirich of Burt & Kurt infamy was an extra in the movie Tora! Tora! Tora! Bruce Campbell appeared in a movie called Toro. Toro. Toro! So, as you can see, we’re practically blood brothers, he and I. Nevertheless, as a fan of ‘The Chin,’ I am obligated to offer this post for constructive purposes. With those justifications out of the way…]

My Name is Bruce is the latest offering from Mr. Campbell, outside of his costarring role in Burn Notice on some not-quite-primetime, not-quite-cable network. My Name... follows the misadventures of a fictionalized B-movie star Bruce Campbell as he is kidnapped by fans to defend their town from a Chinese demon and protector of bean curd. Pretty standard B-movie stuff, really. What sets this movie apart from others like it is its abject failure to meet expectations. On that note I accept all blame.

I’ve been a fan of Campbell’s for as long as I will admit here. Evil Dead was a ground breaking film, if not performance. Army of Darkness is a trans-generational favorite in my family. And as for the ‘Elvis’ movie? Well, to steal a line from My Name is Bruce: “Everyone liked Bubba Ho-Tep.” Everyone except my wife. But she loved The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.

With Man with the Screaming Brain I learned something: Bruce can act, and he might be able to direct, but he can’t do both at the same time. Kinda like chewing gum and PoliGripping dentures. He might’ve gotten away with it on the Xena series, and some other instances I’m equally unfamiliar with, but he really can’t pull it off with his movies. It’s as if he gets so caught up in doing a great directing job and a superb job of being Bruce Campbell that he misses the fact that the product he’s putting together is crap. It could happen to anyone trying to direct themselves, but it seems to happen more consistently with him. And I should have noticed that he is both the star and the director of My Name is Bruce.

Don’t get me wrong: the movie does have its moments. But they are too far and few between. There are the usual group of misfits to recognize in the crowds (both his brother and nephew are killed in the film), the hard-core fan gets to see part of the Campbell estate, the demon mask is pretty nifty, and there are some credibly good lines: “Consider yourself officially exempt from my wrath, sweetcakes. And if you're lucky, a little later I'll let you play with my boomstick.” In the end all of these are wasted in this film. Like putting Grey Poupon on a Slim Jim. Even the bonus features were hum-drum. (This strengthens my argument that all Bruce Campbell films should include a full length commentary by Elvis.)

So, to the would-be fan: give this movie a miss. Start off with Army of Darkness, Bubba Ho-Tep, or even Cave Alien 3.

To the established Campbellite: My Name… was so bad that I actually threw my back out just watching it. Not laughing, not chuckling, not even throwing things at the television. Just sitting there watching it. I think it may be a result of some impacted B-movie matter. Instead, check out They Call Me Bruce? It’s good, even if Ted Raimi isn’t in it.

And for Mr. Campbell, my blood-brother, who continues to try to direct himself: Peanut butter and jelly are both great, but not in the same jar. I don’t really know what that means, but I’ll bet you can make it a pretty cool line in your next movie.

Farrah Who?

It’s been an exciting month in the celebrity after-world. Death after death, all trumped here at the end. So let’s cover them all before they disappear into obscurity.

Leading the pack was Mr. Hung Fu himself, David Carradine. Wow, did this guy fall. He played Caine in that most seminal program about the peace-loving, karate chopping, world traveling priest - kind of a Paladin for the hippie sect. There were a few action movies, parts and voicework here and there, but mostly a slow descent into obscurity, culminating in a desperate reprisal of the Caine role and hosting an History Channel series. Now, I liked that show, but it’s not exactly where the young go to thrive. I know what you’re thinking: “Wasn’t he the one that hanged himself with his own testicles?” Yes, something like that. But that’s not the most embarassing part of his life and career. No one would have even recognized his name in the papers had it not been for this guy:

To fall from grace is one thing, but to owe your Phoenix-like resurrection to the likes of Quentin Tarantino is truly humiliating. Isn’t that right, Vinnie Barbarino?

No sooner had David Carradine redefined the term “Safe Sex” than Ed McMahon checked out. Some might feel the urge to make fun of his career and the financial ruin he found himself in at the end, but I see him as a profound success. Aside from his military record and beer commercials, Ed McMahon was a sidekick. Not an Oliver Hardy-type sidekick, or Dom DeLuise. Not even a Shemp. He was a sidekick in the vein of Joe Biden; and yet, he had a long and prosperous career. Plus, he outlived the careers of all those little reporters that prepared his obit piece four or five years ago. In the end, who could ask for anything more?

Farrah Fawcett (Majors) [O’Neal]

You know, I’d like to point out that Farrah Fawcett was the most overrated, tired act of all time. Although she always acted dumb, with every word she uttered my expectations were lowered even more. I’d remind you that her entire career was a result of a fluke photo shoot that resulted in that infamous poster that showed what were, at the time, the equivalent of nether hair. It should be noted that Cheryl Tiegs today looks better than Fawcett ever did, not to mention a damn sight classier. And who can forget Fawcett's twin sobriety-challenged Late Show appearances in the late 90’s? I am tempted to point all of these things out… but Michael Jackson has made them all moot.

You may have heard something about Michael Jackson passing away recently. “The King of Pop” is what the world knew him as. Others called him the most famous white woman on the planet. The gal that married Elvis’ daughter is how still others refer to him. No matter what you thought of him… you knew him. If John Lennon was more famous than Jesus, Jacko was certainly more renowned than Santa Claus. Out of deference to him, let’s take a quick review of Michael’s life and career:

• The Jackson 5, featuring 10-year-old Michael as lead singer, signs with Motown Records
• The Jackson 5 become first group to have their first four singles hit No. 1
• “Ben” becomes Michael Jackson’s first solo No. 1 hit
• “Thriller,” by Michael Jackson, is the best selling album of all time
• Michael Jackson molests little boys
• Jackson writes “We are the World” with Lionel Richie
• Michael Jackson molests little boys
• Jackson marries Lisa Marie Presley, proving once and for all that Elvis is dead
• Michael Jackson molests little boys
• Jackson releases “HIStory,” which sells more than 2.4 million copies
• Michael Jackson molests little boys
• Jackson marries nurse Debbie Rowe, who gives birth to two children: Prince Michael Jackson Jr. and Paris Michael Katherine Jackson
• Michael Jackson molests little boys
• “Invincible” album debuts at No. 1, selling about 2 million copies
• Michael Jackson molests little boys
• Releases 25th anniversary edition of “Thriller” featuring collaborations with Kanye West, Akon, Fergie and will.i.am
• Michael Jackson molests little boys
• Tickets for Jackson's 50 London concerts sell out within hours of becoming available
• Michael Jackson molests little boys and then dies

Possibly the only person who regretted Jackson’s passing more than the 399,700 Catholic priests that had not yet been charged with child molestation was Ryan O’Neal, who was hoping for at least a few weeks of publicity over his “engagement” charade.

MISSed USA 2009

Like literally millions of other Americans I purposefully did not watch the Miss USA 2009 Pageant, but I have not been allowed to miss it. Over the past several months I have been trying to makes sense of all that has gone on surrounding this talent-less beauty contest. I don't really know why I'm compelled to do so, except in an effort to silence the (media) voices bouncing around in my skull. So, I’ve written this little timeline for myself in an effort to put everything into perspective.

April 19, 2009 – Miss California Carrie Prejean is not crowned Miss USA 2009. During the interview portion of the contest she is asked this objective question:

Vermont recently became the fourth state to legalize same sex marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit? Why or why not?

Miss Prejean responded elequently:

Well, I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. Um, we live in a land that you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage and, you know what, in my country and in, in, in my family, I think that- I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman, no offense to anybody out there. But that's how I was raised and that's how I think that it should be: between a man and a woman.

April 19, 2009 – Celebrity Blogger (there’s a job title not recognized by any teamster union) and Miss USA 2009 Pageant Judge Perez Hilton informs ABC and anyone else who will show the slightest bit of interest that Prejean lost the competition because of her homophobic answer. Not much to add here other than to reiterate the fact that Perez Hilton was chosen to decide which woman best represents what a man wants. Umm…

April 19, 2009 to May 12, 2009 – No one knows who actually won the Miss USA 2009 Pageant, which is exactly as it would have been had “Gay Marriage-gate” never occurred.

May 13, 2009 – Miss California USA co-director Shanna Lynn Moakler resigns from her position in light of allegations that Ms. Prejean has misrepresented her past and repeatedly broken the conditions of her contract, including not following through on required personal appearances and having posed in underwear that included her partially exposed breasts. In the end the former Playboy Playmate Moakler (at right, with ex-husband Travis Baker) resigned because she felt her only slightly hypocritical opinion was not being heard.

May 14 to June 9, 2009 – Still nobody knows who Miss USA 2009 is because the media are only talking about the Miss California controversies.

June 10, 2009 – The owners of the Miss USA Pageant decide enough is enough and fire Carrie Prejean. The reason is likely because she has mentioned penning a book concerning the gay marriage question and the trouble her answer has reportedly caused her. Being fired is a huge boost to future book sales as no one would otherwise buy a book written by the Miss USA Runner-Up. She is replaced by Miss Malibu Tami Farrell.

June 11, 2009 – Miss California Tami Farrell appears on Fox News program Your World with Neil Cavuto, the host of which asks the newly crowned beauty queen:

[Prejean] went out and said that a marriage is between a man and a woman. Do you share that view?

To which she replies:

Uh-huh.

This statement puts us right back to where we were on April 19, 2009: We don’t know who Miss USA 2009 is and Miss California doesn’t think gays should be married. To be fair, I must point out that Tami Farrell did utter what was likely the most profound statement to come out of the Miss USA Pageant... ever:

You know, I think it's hilarious right now that the world is turning to beauty queens for the answers for this. I think it's an important issue and I think that it's one that I don't think I can win a battle. I don't want to be any more divisive than it's already become.

Now that I’ve put all the pieces in an orderly row I must say that I am still at a loss, Miss Farrell's comment notwithstanding, as to what it all means. What was the purpose of this circuitous affair? What did we learn? Who won? Who lost? These questions have been plaguing me until today, when I realized that the Miss USA Pageant is owned by this guy:

Which means, of course, there is no meaning.

DEAR WORLD: We’re sorry

Relationship Advice

I know there is no shortage of relationship advice out there and with good reason, what with all of the complicated relationships in this brave new world of ours. There is, for instance, the relationship our country is experiencing with its new president, the relationship we as owners have with our brand (not so) new car maker, and the relationship that said car maker has with it’s new 31-year old, totally inexperienced boss, appointed by the aforementioned president. But alas, the subtitle of this blog is Nothing Too Serious, so I’m going to avoid presenting my opinion of this nation’s latest foray into nationalization. Yea, I’m going to stick to relationships that are none too serious: those between husbands and wives. Good, light reading.

My relationship with Benita is in many ways typical of those between husbands and wives. I am male, she is female. We both have jobs outside the home. She takes care of most of the work inside the house, while I try to keep up with most of the demands of our property. Where we can, we help one another in each of those respective fields. I’m not above washing dishes and I have photos of her shoveling horse poop. I really do. Overall we do what has to be done. We fill those traditional roles rather… well… traditionally. Sounds about like yours, does it not men?

Let me tell you something about our relationship that is likely different than that that you enjoy with your wife: I am the man of our relationship, and not only does my wife know that, she respects it. And I don’t mean that she knows better than to run the vacuum while the football game’s on. She respects that I am the man of the house. I’m the source of strength and confidence, I am the guardian, I carry the big stick, and I reign over my castle. Does your wife accept this about you? Have you given her reason to?

The reason my wife looks up to me as the Man of the relationship is that she is confident in my goals as the Man of the relationship; I do not rule by fear, threats, or intimidation. The power I hold in my household is surrendered voluntarily because my wife knows deep down that my objective in this world is to provide for and worship her. This is the payment I make for her recognizing in me that which is deserving of her love. Sometimes, and very likely far too often, I fail to tell her this, and I slip in my efforts to demonstrate it to her, but I keep up well enough for her to know it. Beyond the traditional efforts, I try to do the unexpected, even when she sees it coming. How well do you do this for your wife? Have you given her reason to surrender her respect to you?

Those of you who are very close to me… don’t know much about what has happened during our first year of marriage. Those of you close to Benita probably know a good bit about it. Suffice to say we have had a challenge-filled time of it. I dare say that if we had both been 22 years old and new to the marriage game we likely would not have made it. As it is we made it through quite well, like two old trail horses. (I’m going to get it for that analogy. That’s okay. I’ll take it like a man.) Our marriage today is as strong at every level as it was last July 4th, and much stronger in many ways. So, as I am a man, I was quite alarmed when Benita told me she wanted to do The Love Dare.

The Love Dare, as featured in the movie Fireproof (click on the ad to the right to get a copy of either – and go ahead and click on that Google Ad for 1-hour UL rated fire doors, as well – you can’t put a price on safety), is a book concerned with repairing broken or failing relationships by urging one partner to start doing things for the other to prove his/her love. It’s all right there in the movie. And yes, it’s the man that is the bigger jerk, and the woman kinda gets off light. This is what went through my head, anyway, because I’m a man. We men tend to think that if everything is seemingly going well in a relationship there is no need to go in and start fixing things. The engine in our 1969 Camaro - which is made up of hundreds of moving parts – can be purring like a kitten with a bellyful of milk, but the first rainy Saturday we’re going in and start yanking things out to replace the cam. Meanwhile, the relationship we have with our wife – which is made up of only two moving parts – has to blow a gasket or just run out of gas before we start considering any kind of tune-up. We expect it to just keep puttering on down the road without so much as an oil change or refueling.

So we’re on Day Six of The Love Dare, and I tell you guys, it’s going great. Doing these things is not just for “saving” a wrecked relationship… it can reinvigorate one that is in a rut, or just add a new dimension to an already strong relationship. Don’t be afraid of your woman’s desire to engage in these activities. It may be difficult for we men to approach them with gusto, but I bet you’ll find they’re not so bad once you give them a chance. And let me tell you, they are a whole lot more fun when you are doing them at a solid point in your union than when you are trying to salvage what is left of a rotten situation. I’ve done both, and the problem with the latter is that one party is probably not going to follow through with as much commitment. And this can make it discouraging or even hopeless.

Do yourself a big favor and take ten minutes right now to sit and think. Ask yourself these questions:

Is my marriage everything it used to be?
Is my marriage everything it could be?
Do I know my wife’s expectations from our relationship?
Have I done anything recently to earn her respect?
Do I provide for and worship my wife?
Is my marriage fun?

If the answer to any of these is anything except ‘Yes,’ if you feel the need to include a ‘but’ in any of them, or if ‘No’ crossed your mind even fleetingly, your relationship is not where it was meant to be. But don’t worry, it’s not too late to revive it, to reinvigorate it. What has to happen is that both moving parts begin working together, tuning and timing and trying. And keep in mind that laughter is the best fuel for a happy relationship.

I don’t mean for this to be an advertisement for The Love Dare or any other relationship product. All I’m saying is that we men don’t have to be scared or intimidated about participating. Sharing one of these with your wife is a good way to learn more about the person she is today, and a few new things about yourself. You’ll also get some good ideas about those unexpected ways to show you love her. And what’s more, these programs themselves are good examples of things you can do to show your feelings for her. Let’s go back to that hotrod: why do we switch cams, jet carbs, and tinker constantly? To make it more powerful, faster, and more fun. Think of these relationship exercises as after market parts for your relationship. Pop the hood and tinker around. Make it more fun, faster, and more powerful. You can never have too much of those, can you? You’ll find yourself smiling a lot more often, like you did when you were googly-eyed every time you held her hand. If you go into it with the goal of discovering new ways to worship the woman you fell in love with so long ago, you might be surprised what she surrenders to you in return.



On a totally unrelated note, for those of you in the Forestdale/Adamsville area my wife and I will be joining another couple (Chris & Heidi Barnette) in presenting The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women, a 12-week long course by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg, beginning this Sunday night, June 7, 2009, at 5:30 PM at Westwood Baptist Church. It is free so this is not an advertisement. I’m not teaching this class because I think I know everything about men and women… I’m helping present it as part of my constant search for advice and knowledge. Don’t expect your wife to attend these alone to learn new ways to turn you on. While it is a class for anyone, single or married, husbands need to attend with their wives. I’ll give you a free tip right now, men:

If you haven’t earned her respect outside the bedroom, there is nothing you can do to earn her respect inside it.