Relationship Advice

I know there is no shortage of relationship advice out there and with good reason, what with all of the complicated relationships in this brave new world of ours. There is, for instance, the relationship our country is experiencing with its new president, the relationship we as owners have with our brand (not so) new car maker, and the relationship that said car maker has with it’s new 31-year old, totally inexperienced boss, appointed by the aforementioned president. But alas, the subtitle of this blog is Nothing Too Serious, so I’m going to avoid presenting my opinion of this nation’s latest foray into nationalization. Yea, I’m going to stick to relationships that are none too serious: those between husbands and wives. Good, light reading.

My relationship with Benita is in many ways typical of those between husbands and wives. I am male, she is female. We both have jobs outside the home. She takes care of most of the work inside the house, while I try to keep up with most of the demands of our property. Where we can, we help one another in each of those respective fields. I’m not above washing dishes and I have photos of her shoveling horse poop. I really do. Overall we do what has to be done. We fill those traditional roles rather… well… traditionally. Sounds about like yours, does it not men?

Let me tell you something about our relationship that is likely different than that that you enjoy with your wife: I am the man of our relationship, and not only does my wife know that, she respects it. And I don’t mean that she knows better than to run the vacuum while the football game’s on. She respects that I am the man of the house. I’m the source of strength and confidence, I am the guardian, I carry the big stick, and I reign over my castle. Does your wife accept this about you? Have you given her reason to?

The reason my wife looks up to me as the Man of the relationship is that she is confident in my goals as the Man of the relationship; I do not rule by fear, threats, or intimidation. The power I hold in my household is surrendered voluntarily because my wife knows deep down that my objective in this world is to provide for and worship her. This is the payment I make for her recognizing in me that which is deserving of her love. Sometimes, and very likely far too often, I fail to tell her this, and I slip in my efforts to demonstrate it to her, but I keep up well enough for her to know it. Beyond the traditional efforts, I try to do the unexpected, even when she sees it coming. How well do you do this for your wife? Have you given her reason to surrender her respect to you?

Those of you who are very close to me… don’t know much about what has happened during our first year of marriage. Those of you close to Benita probably know a good bit about it. Suffice to say we have had a challenge-filled time of it. I dare say that if we had both been 22 years old and new to the marriage game we likely would not have made it. As it is we made it through quite well, like two old trail horses. (I’m going to get it for that analogy. That’s okay. I’ll take it like a man.) Our marriage today is as strong at every level as it was last July 4th, and much stronger in many ways. So, as I am a man, I was quite alarmed when Benita told me she wanted to do The Love Dare.

The Love Dare, as featured in the movie Fireproof (click on the ad to the right to get a copy of either – and go ahead and click on that Google Ad for 1-hour UL rated fire doors, as well – you can’t put a price on safety), is a book concerned with repairing broken or failing relationships by urging one partner to start doing things for the other to prove his/her love. It’s all right there in the movie. And yes, it’s the man that is the bigger jerk, and the woman kinda gets off light. This is what went through my head, anyway, because I’m a man. We men tend to think that if everything is seemingly going well in a relationship there is no need to go in and start fixing things. The engine in our 1969 Camaro - which is made up of hundreds of moving parts – can be purring like a kitten with a bellyful of milk, but the first rainy Saturday we’re going in and start yanking things out to replace the cam. Meanwhile, the relationship we have with our wife – which is made up of only two moving parts – has to blow a gasket or just run out of gas before we start considering any kind of tune-up. We expect it to just keep puttering on down the road without so much as an oil change or refueling.

So we’re on Day Six of The Love Dare, and I tell you guys, it’s going great. Doing these things is not just for “saving” a wrecked relationship… it can reinvigorate one that is in a rut, or just add a new dimension to an already strong relationship. Don’t be afraid of your woman’s desire to engage in these activities. It may be difficult for we men to approach them with gusto, but I bet you’ll find they’re not so bad once you give them a chance. And let me tell you, they are a whole lot more fun when you are doing them at a solid point in your union than when you are trying to salvage what is left of a rotten situation. I’ve done both, and the problem with the latter is that one party is probably not going to follow through with as much commitment. And this can make it discouraging or even hopeless.

Do yourself a big favor and take ten minutes right now to sit and think. Ask yourself these questions:

Is my marriage everything it used to be?
Is my marriage everything it could be?
Do I know my wife’s expectations from our relationship?
Have I done anything recently to earn her respect?
Do I provide for and worship my wife?
Is my marriage fun?

If the answer to any of these is anything except ‘Yes,’ if you feel the need to include a ‘but’ in any of them, or if ‘No’ crossed your mind even fleetingly, your relationship is not where it was meant to be. But don’t worry, it’s not too late to revive it, to reinvigorate it. What has to happen is that both moving parts begin working together, tuning and timing and trying. And keep in mind that laughter is the best fuel for a happy relationship.

I don’t mean for this to be an advertisement for The Love Dare or any other relationship product. All I’m saying is that we men don’t have to be scared or intimidated about participating. Sharing one of these with your wife is a good way to learn more about the person she is today, and a few new things about yourself. You’ll also get some good ideas about those unexpected ways to show you love her. And what’s more, these programs themselves are good examples of things you can do to show your feelings for her. Let’s go back to that hotrod: why do we switch cams, jet carbs, and tinker constantly? To make it more powerful, faster, and more fun. Think of these relationship exercises as after market parts for your relationship. Pop the hood and tinker around. Make it more fun, faster, and more powerful. You can never have too much of those, can you? You’ll find yourself smiling a lot more often, like you did when you were googly-eyed every time you held her hand. If you go into it with the goal of discovering new ways to worship the woman you fell in love with so long ago, you might be surprised what she surrenders to you in return.



On a totally unrelated note, for those of you in the Forestdale/Adamsville area my wife and I will be joining another couple (Chris & Heidi Barnette) in presenting The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women, a 12-week long course by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg, beginning this Sunday night, June 7, 2009, at 5:30 PM at Westwood Baptist Church. It is free so this is not an advertisement. I’m not teaching this class because I think I know everything about men and women… I’m helping present it as part of my constant search for advice and knowledge. Don’t expect your wife to attend these alone to learn new ways to turn you on. While it is a class for anyone, single or married, husbands need to attend with their wives. I’ll give you a free tip right now, men:

If you haven’t earned her respect outside the bedroom, there is nothing you can do to earn her respect inside it.