Farrah Who?

It’s been an exciting month in the celebrity after-world. Death after death, all trumped here at the end. So let’s cover them all before they disappear into obscurity.

Leading the pack was Mr. Hung Fu himself, David Carradine. Wow, did this guy fall. He played Caine in that most seminal program about the peace-loving, karate chopping, world traveling priest - kind of a Paladin for the hippie sect. There were a few action movies, parts and voicework here and there, but mostly a slow descent into obscurity, culminating in a desperate reprisal of the Caine role and hosting an History Channel series. Now, I liked that show, but it’s not exactly where the young go to thrive. I know what you’re thinking: “Wasn’t he the one that hanged himself with his own testicles?” Yes, something like that. But that’s not the most embarassing part of his life and career. No one would have even recognized his name in the papers had it not been for this guy:

To fall from grace is one thing, but to owe your Phoenix-like resurrection to the likes of Quentin Tarantino is truly humiliating. Isn’t that right, Vinnie Barbarino?

No sooner had David Carradine redefined the term “Safe Sex” than Ed McMahon checked out. Some might feel the urge to make fun of his career and the financial ruin he found himself in at the end, but I see him as a profound success. Aside from his military record and beer commercials, Ed McMahon was a sidekick. Not an Oliver Hardy-type sidekick, or Dom DeLuise. Not even a Shemp. He was a sidekick in the vein of Joe Biden; and yet, he had a long and prosperous career. Plus, he outlived the careers of all those little reporters that prepared his obit piece four or five years ago. In the end, who could ask for anything more?

Farrah Fawcett (Majors) [O’Neal]

You know, I’d like to point out that Farrah Fawcett was the most overrated, tired act of all time. Although she always acted dumb, with every word she uttered my expectations were lowered even more. I’d remind you that her entire career was a result of a fluke photo shoot that resulted in that infamous poster that showed what were, at the time, the equivalent of nether hair. It should be noted that Cheryl Tiegs today looks better than Fawcett ever did, not to mention a damn sight classier. And who can forget Fawcett's twin sobriety-challenged Late Show appearances in the late 90’s? I am tempted to point all of these things out… but Michael Jackson has made them all moot.

You may have heard something about Michael Jackson passing away recently. “The King of Pop” is what the world knew him as. Others called him the most famous white woman on the planet. The gal that married Elvis’ daughter is how still others refer to him. No matter what you thought of him… you knew him. If John Lennon was more famous than Jesus, Jacko was certainly more renowned than Santa Claus. Out of deference to him, let’s take a quick review of Michael’s life and career:

• The Jackson 5, featuring 10-year-old Michael as lead singer, signs with Motown Records
• The Jackson 5 become first group to have their first four singles hit No. 1
• “Ben” becomes Michael Jackson’s first solo No. 1 hit
• “Thriller,” by Michael Jackson, is the best selling album of all time
• Michael Jackson molests little boys
• Jackson writes “We are the World” with Lionel Richie
• Michael Jackson molests little boys
• Jackson marries Lisa Marie Presley, proving once and for all that Elvis is dead
• Michael Jackson molests little boys
• Jackson releases “HIStory,” which sells more than 2.4 million copies
• Michael Jackson molests little boys
• Jackson marries nurse Debbie Rowe, who gives birth to two children: Prince Michael Jackson Jr. and Paris Michael Katherine Jackson
• Michael Jackson molests little boys
• “Invincible” album debuts at No. 1, selling about 2 million copies
• Michael Jackson molests little boys
• Releases 25th anniversary edition of “Thriller” featuring collaborations with Kanye West, Akon, Fergie and will.i.am
• Michael Jackson molests little boys
• Tickets for Jackson's 50 London concerts sell out within hours of becoming available
• Michael Jackson molests little boys and then dies

Possibly the only person who regretted Jackson’s passing more than the 399,700 Catholic priests that had not yet been charged with child molestation was Ryan O’Neal, who was hoping for at least a few weeks of publicity over his “engagement” charade.