In the News...

Rahm Emanuel, the oft-controversial Chief of Staff of the Obama Administration, has announced that he will be leaving his post. Seems he got to wondering how he could possibly be involved in a government office more self-serving, more crooked, and worse for its constituency than the one currently occupying the White House. He apparently found his answer and will announce today that he is running for the Mayor of Chicago.

I don't know what kind of Mayor Emanuel will be (I don't think it really matters in Chicago), but I do hate to see him go: he's good for news. As long as everyone on Capitol Hill is a worthless scumbag, might as well keep the entertaining ones. Before he steps down let's revisit a few of his more memorable quotes:

• I don't want to go negative on Franklin Delano Roosevelt, but he didn't pass an economic deal in the first 100 days. We have passed the largest Recovery Act in the history of the country.
• You never let a serious crisis go to waste. And what I mean by that it's an opportunity to do things you think you could not do before.
• I believe the record I was allowed to help establish by the side of the president was important.
• There's no safe Republican district. You can run, but you cannot hide.

The loud-mouthed and empty Emanuel will be replaced Pete Rose, the gambling drunk who... oh, wait. Pete Rouse. Nobody knows much about him. Quiet. Insider. Experienced. Described as a "fixer." Of course, that's a fixer of perception, not of bad policy. I'd rather have Pete Rose in there.

Speaking of people who will never make it into the Hall of Fame...

Self-appointed KISS pimp Gene Simmons is hot after his "band" was snubbed from nomination to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Although they have been eligible since 1999, only one nomination has been bestowed upon the 70's powerhouse, but alas they did not rack up enough votes. The King of KISS tried to make a good point about the band's legitimacy:

"There's nobody in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame -- in fact, if you took all of them and put them together -- they couldn't match all the licensing and merchandising we've done and the legacy we've left."

Good try, Gene, but for some reason it just comes out rather self-serving and shallow. And I must have missed the part about music. This year not even Simmons' work on the forthcoming Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock could muster enough enthusiasm to give the band a nod. The 61-year old vampire is excited about the new video game, claiming it features everything from Queen to KISS - the whole gamut. Whoa! You mean everything from glam rock to glam hard rock??!! WOW!

Looks like the KISS Army really has to get their act together if this band is ever going to be recognized for something other than what it always has been.

And speaking of armies that have no real-world legitimacy...

The Iranian Revolutionary Guard received its first shipment of flying boats this week. This is indeed exciting news for Iran, and any anglers who have been searching for a way to level the playing field while hunting the elusive flying fish. The boats will likely be used for surveillance and several news conferences before being completely ignored by the Obama Administration... just like Iran's nuclear program.

The sight of these boats conjures up another image in my memory banks, but I just can't place it.

Oh yeah... that's it.

A Burning Sensation

The first thing they teach you in journalism school is to keep your pen as light as a feather when covering touchy subjects such as freedom of religion. There is nothing in the world, they tell students, that will fill an editor's inbox faster than the suggestion that religion is passé or one is better than another. And if you are writing about Islam, get ready to lose a cartoonist or two before the death threats and bombings subside.

Fortunately, I majored in management with a ridiculously strong emphasis on military history, so screw the terrorist Muslim scum. I'll speak my mind, thank you very much.

Now, I want to be perfectly clear on this: I believe in and fully support the principal in this country that the government should never interfere with a people's desire to gather for religious ceremony. I also believe those religious orders have no business trying to strong-arm the government and trample on individual rights. And I also believe that Islam is not a religion, but rather a blood-thirsty evil Cult of Death, Fear, and Hatred. Is that clear enough?

You may have read this week about a Reverend Terry Jones down in Florida who was planning to burn several hundred copies of the Qur'an on Saturday to mark the 9th anniversary of Islam's Attack on the World Economy (failure) and Sensibility (success). This has caused no small number of significant public figures to bemoan his right to do so while imploring him to show true Patriotic spirit by cowing down to those who have murdered, are murdering, and will continue to murder Americans in the name of Islam.

I'm not here to defend Terry Jones: I know nothing about him. For all I know he is a Jew-hating psychopathic religionist who embezzles money from gullible non-thinkers through the false guarantee of divine deliverance. And I have no intention of defending his right to burn a book, because I just can't really get behind book burnings myself - unless it's really cold out and the book is really pointless, like the Qur'an. No, I'm here to talk about the outpouring of support for those that would have us all dead.

Let's start with General David Betrayus. He has claimed that the act of burning these Qur'ans would put American soldiers in harm's way. I don't want to speak for any soldiers but I don't see that not burning Qur'ans has kept them out of harm's way, General. Do you honestly think that bowing down to our enemies all over the world and allowing them to build victory mosques on battlefields is a way to strengthen our soldiers' defense? I'll tell you what puts soldiers in harm's way, Dave: putting an automatic weapon into the hands of a 19-year old Ohio farm boy, sending him to a violence-plagued cesspool that has never had a sustainable central government - not even under the iron fist of the Soviet Union, putting in place restrictive policies, and demanding that he be an ambassador of the United States to the very people trying to kill him! Quit expecting him to do your worthless Secretary of State's job! His is hard enough:

"Johnny! Remember what we did when the wild hogs were threatening the crops? Do the same thing to the Muslims, boy, then get back home!"

Do you remember when a political soldier was someone like Omar N. Bradley (The G.I.'s General, our last 5-Star General, and by God one helluva fine American who knew what it was all about - taking care of his boys)?

"George, you know we need to kick their asses and I know we need to kick their asses... but you can't say to Congress, 'We're going to kick their asses.' You've got to be delicate when talking to Washington. Now, let's go kick their asses!"

That was it. That was as far as politics got into a real soldier. But with Colin Powell all the rules changed. They started wanting to be political advisers. Started thinking they should be handling policy. Generals who wanted to shape international diplomacy. No! Go kill, break, and suppress. Protect your soldiers through aggressive maneuvering and attacks. When your forces sit still - literally or figuratively - the danger they are exposed to increases exponentially!

[Please don't write in and defend McCrystal, either. By his own admission he voted for Barack Obama, a Muslim. That would be like Ike voting for Joe Kennedy. And if that weren't bad enough, his favorite beer is Bud Lime. Dude... Bud Lime? Tough, soldierboy. Real tough.]

And speaking of our Supreme Muslim Leader, Barack Obama has decided to weigh in on the issue with... look, is there even any point in covering what you all knew would happen? Hope & change, hope & change.

The last one I want to cover is the response from Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, the guy pushing for the mosque to be built near Ground Zero. Terry Jones has postponed the Dove World Outreach Center's Qur'an Burning and Covered Dish Supper pending the relocation of the proposed mosque to be called Cordoba. Again, I don't want to speak for anyone, so I will let the Imam speak for himself via this article from ABC News:

"My life has been dedicated to peacemaking... If I knew this would happen, that this would cause this kind of pain, I wouldn't have done it."

But, he explains, he must build the mosque at the original site in order to defend us against "danger from the radicals in the Muslim world to our national security."

"We have freedom of speech, but with freedom comes responsibility. ... This is dangerous for our national security, but also it is the un-Christian thing to do."

"I am glad that Pastor Jones has decided not to burn any Korans... However, I have not spoken with Pastor Jones or Imam Musri [a Florida imam purported to have acted as a go-between]. I am surprised by their announcement. We are not going to toy with our religion or any other. Nor are we here to barter. We are here to extend our hand to build peace and harmony."

"I'm less concerned about the radicals in America (anyone against the building of the mosque) than the radicals in the Muslim world."

"Our national security now hinges on how we negotiate this."

Who negotiates what? Is this Muslim really telling us what would be Christian? Peacemaking? Does this remind anyone else of that Mel Brooks song?

I don't want war! All I want is peace... peace... peace!

A little piece of Poland,

A little piece of France,

A little piece of Austria

And Hungary, perchance!

A littel slice of Turkey

And all that that entails,

And then a bit of England, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales!

Are there any questions about what this mosque represents? About what Islam's opinion of America is? About how we should proceed? Still not sure whether or not we are in a religious war against Islam? Are you sitting on the fence? Are you a Muslim?

If you are a Muslim, the last thing in the world I'd want to do is convert you into my belief system. You'd probably just screw it up and give it a bad name anyway. But I will ask you to go through the same process I put myself through: look closely at and study objectively all of the beliefs put into your head by others. Ask yourself: Does my religion truly represent who I am as a person?

In my case I had to throw some supposed tenats of my religion out. Some were just things that many who claimed to be like me felt. Others were dead wrong. And still others are tightly held beliefs of the church, but I just can't buy into them. Don't worry - God and I have discussed these issues in depth and we're okay with it. At least, I am. He has the perogative to disagree with me in the end. But for now, I have to live with myself.

As a Muslim you don't have to ask yourself things like:

• Is drinking an alcoholic beverage in moderation really evil?
• Do I need to stay pissed at the Jews forever?
• Do the Romans share any blame for the death of my Savior?
• Does prophecy render all of those feelings moot anyway?

But you might want to ask yourself things like:

• Do I really believe burning people alive is a God-ly activity? [WARNING: That link is VERY graphic - I made myself watch it and several others on the site, but they absolutely made me physically ill. If it doesn't make you ill, you might be a Muslim - scumbag. And if it doesn't make you angry, you are not human.]
• Should women really be beaten on a regular basis?
• If my children go through a rebellious stage does murdering them make me a better parent?

Again, I'm not telling you how to live your pathetic, evil life... I'm just suggesting an alternative to death and hatred.

In the meantime, The Western World needs to stop Muslims from building victory monuments and financial centers in this country or any other, eliminate their training grounds, and beat them into submission... or extinction - whichever is required for survival.

I know this has been an uncharacteristically heavy posting for me, but it's hard to take this subject matter lightly. Still, I am a professional who is committed to his audience. So, in deference to Jeff Foxworthy, I give you the following:

How to tell if your religion is really a blood-thirsty cult:

If when you proclaim "God is great" people react with fear, you may be part of a blood-thirsty cult.

If your spiritual leader beats women and married children, you may be part of a blood-thirsty cult.

If the only guaranteed passage to paradise is by murdering someone in the name of your god, you just might be part of a blood-thirsty cult.

If you've ever flown an airplane full of innocent people into a building full of innocent people to demonstrate your faith in God, you perhaps should consider the possibility that you just might be part of a blood-thirsty cult.

If you've ever cheered at news that a small boy has blown himself and 30 or 40 market goers to pieces, and yet are outraged when someone 8500 miles away threatens to burn a book printed, sold, and purchased 8500 miles away, I'm pretty sure you are part of a blood-thirsty cult.

If you hate South Park... you're just kind of stupid and take yourself way too seriously.

And finally, if you are a Muslim, you are part of a blood-thirsty cult. May you be buried face down under a dog, and may Hitler and Jeffery Dahmer play marbles with your... well, I wouldn't want to offend anyone.

GOD BLESS THE SOLDIER - THANK YOU!

-FOR ALL THAT YOU ARE, AND ALL THAT YOU DO-

Pardon My Blasphemer

WWJWD?

I guess I was hooked with Raising Arizona. Anyone who casts Tex Cobb in a feature film wears a soft spot onto my heart, but aside from that, it was just a great movie. The Coen Brothers established themselves as a force to watch. (For my fellow Bruce Campbell fans out there, Joel Coen helped edit The Evil Dead.) Time and time again the Coen's have proven their success is no fluke: The Hudsucker Proxy; Fargo; O Brother, Where Art Thou?; No Country for Old Men; and of course, The Big Lebowski. I've left out a few I haven't seen, several I hadn't heard of, and their recent disappointing foray into green politics. But by and large, these guys make great films.

Their latest project running is a remake of 1969's True Grit. Some of you may have heard of this movie before. It featured Robert Duvall, Dennis Hopper, Glenn Campbell, and some big cowboy guy. (I wouldn't have thought there was anyone on the planet that hadn't seen True Grit, but leave it to Matt Damon to surprise us all with a gem like this: "I've never even seen the original John Wayne movie... our movie is totally different." Wow! Turns out his spin as genius Will Hunting was a helluvan acting job.) True to form the Coen's will be reaching into their designer Clint Eastwood School of Casting Bag to re-cast some friends, among them Jeff Bridges as Marshal Reuben J. Cogburn.

I never thought I'd live to see a Duke movie be remade. He's just too much of an icon. John Wayne always played John Wayne. There is no other interpretation. Period. I mean, we all love our Elvis Impersonators (recently discovered I have one in the family), but there are no John Wayne-a-likes. This just doesn't make sense. Now... having said that...

If anyone could pull this off... Parents, please take your children out of the room... Sensitive folks please stop reading now... I am warning you that the blasphemer is forthcoming... Tim, I'm sorry, man... if anyone could pull off filling the Duke's boots in this particular role, The Dude can.

I know, I know. Lightning crashing, flames building, gnashing of teeth. But you have to admit that Jeff Bridges has become pretty darned good at playing a fat, slovenly, crude drunk. He pulled off portraying Waylon Kristofferhaggard very well. Dude Lebowski - say no more. There was Wild Bill, The Fisher King, and... come to think of it: this guy gravitates toward drunks like Susan Sarandon to sluts.

Anyway, to you fellow Duke fans, at least now we'll be able to pooh-pooh someone else for playing that part, instead of shaking our heads every time Rooster Cogburn comes on TV.

SHE'S BA-AAAAAACK!

Speaking of rolls, it has been announced that Rosie O'Donnell will be returning to television on The Oprah Network. I don't know when or how because I didn't read any of the story behind the headline. I just wanted to point out that we are so completely over-saturated with "entertainment" outlets today. I used to be able to say there are television series I had never watched. Then there were television channels I had never tuned into. Now, there is going to be an entire Network that will completely escape my attention.

Oh wait, I forgot about the WB.

HE'S BA-RAAAAACK!

Grab your seat, this is gonna shock you! It seems that more people today believe Barack Obama is a Muslim than when he took office. It's true - you can read it here. (Almost as surprising is an AP writer referring to the Pew Research Center as "nonpartisan.") According to this article the percentage of respondents "who correctly say he is a Christian is down to just 34 percent." Pitiful.

Get this through your heads people! President Barack Obama is a Christian. Accept it. Get real. Look, it doesn't matter that he doesn't attend a Christian church... well... ever. Do you go to church every Sunday? It doesn't matter how many Muslim leaders around the world he bows to. He's just being respectful and open to our international 'friends.' Do you really think he wants a mosque built at Ground Zero? No! He said he just feels Muslims have the right to celebrate their victory just like anyone else. Like the way we celebrate VJ Day or the 4th of July or Christmas.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs put the issue to rest today:

I have spoken with the President on this issue. He wanted me to assure the American people that he is 100% Christian... and that if anyone claims otherwise he will declare Jihad on them and cut their heads off!

There you have it.

The Man Behind the Mosque

The construction of a $100 million mosque is in the works in New York City, just blocks from the site of the 9-11 terrorist attacks. A mosque, for those of you who may not know, is a religious center for people who follow Islam. Islam, for those of you who may not know, was founded by Muhammad, a thief-turned-religious-warrior who married a nine year old girl... who married a nine year old girl. The group wanting to build the mosque is led by Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, whom you may remember for his interview on 60 Minutes after September 11, 2001, in which he asserted the "United States policies were an accessory to the crime that happened."

The latest hurdle-clearing by the group came in the form of a unanimous nod from New York's Landmarks Preservation Commission, who were challenged with a fairly weak argument to protect the nondescript building the mosque will replace. Mayor Michael "Which Party Am I Now" Bloomberg hailed the decision, gushing:

The World Trade Center site will forever hold a special place in our city, in our hearts... But we would be untrue to the best part of ourselves, and who we are as New Yorkers and Americans, if we said no to a mosque in lower Manhattan.

The man who has never said no to a promised political backer didn't explain what part that "best part" is, but it must be sitting somewhere near the NAZI Party Memorial we built at Auschwitz.

Non-Muslim supporters of this project warn that if we ban its construction we run the risk of stepping all over our tradition of religious freedom in this country. In the current political environment that is absolutely true. How can we claim to be a free society if we deny this religion rights that other religions enjoy? How indeed.

There is a way out of this conundrum, however. Now, I'm going to have to be very delicate with this next part due to the sensitive nature of the subject at hand:

Islam is a cult

Yep. As simple as that. Islam is a cult. Now you say it: Islam is a cult. It's really not that difficult. Now, everyone say it... and you, too, Uncle Sam. In fact, it's most important for you to say it:

Islam is a cult

If the government would merely declare Islam to be the cult that it is, our troubles would be over. No one would dream of allowing a cult the same freedoms as other legitimate religions, so if the government officially declares Islam to be a cult, we can stop the construction in its tracks. I know that there are some of you out there who are saying, "But Edward, the government can't declare a group to be a cult, and besides, the Muslim faith is not one." To this I have a two word reply: Waco Texas.

The government declared the Branch Davidians to be a cult and subsequently burned the compound and all of the people left in it right to the ground. Regardless of your feelings about how and why all of that happened, does any one argue that the Branch Davidians was not a cult? The government claimed it was a cult based upon the fact that:

• Pedophilia was not only encouraged but practiced by the group's founder
• Members were compelled to stay within the group or face dire consequences
• Weapons were being stockpiled
• There was a desire to become the dominant and only True religion of the world
• Prophesies within the church called for wars and a violent end to the evil outsiders

Gee, sounds a lot like Islam to me.

I'm not suggesting that every Muslim in the world is a violent nutball who deserves to die, any more than I'd suggest, for instance, everyone who was at Jonestown, Guyana in November 1978 was a bad person and deserved to die. But that opinion doesn't change the fact that both groups consist of followers of a dangerous cult. There is no place for a mosque in New York City or anywhere else within the United States. Should the Federal Government fail to step up and defend the sacrifices of the soldiers it continues to order to kill and die for this country, I think the people in the neighborhood - be they residents or contractors - should make sure that there isn't a mosque at Ground Zero.

To those of you I know who follow Islam, I'll say this:

Convince me I am wrong. Tell the world openly and publicly that if Muhammad truly meant that Muslims should go out into the world and destroy any and every individual who does not follow Islam, he was wrong. If he was married to a nine year old he was wrong. If he advocated hatred, despotism, slavery, and murder, then he was wrong. For my part, I will state the same thing about Jesus... and with a clear conscience.

Shopping with the Man in Mind

They say men think differently. If by 'differently' they mean logically, then I will agree. My wife snorted when she read that statement (I could hear her from my desk). It's always tough getting a woman to recognize that men are so much more rational and logical than they... but then, what can one expect? They aren't logical or rational.

Now that I have gotten rid of all the women, men... I need some help. I am intent on designing the perfect grocery store for men. A Mancery, if you will. And I need your help with the design. I'm not talking about the exterior so much. Or even the interior. Decor and temperature don't really concern me as I want to spend as little time inside a store as possible. Carts... no need for one of those, or even baskets. Maybe they could put handles on all the food... that would be good, though eating a banana might then be an even more awkward affair.

No, I'm thinking more along the lines of layout... product placement. And I need your help with it. Write in with your suggestions. We need shopping with a man in mind - The Mancery Store. Let me explain.

I went to Walmart with my wife the other night. I didn't want to, I was hungry. We hate Walmart almost as much as we hate Walmart patrons. Walmart has recently rearranged everything in the store. This is to better compete against Target, I suppose, as 40 percent of the store seems to be clothing now. (On a related note, they only had 17 music CD's for sale. You want an overpriced movie or a video game - name your poison. Any decent music from before May of 2007 - good luck. Gotta get on the interwed and have it downloaded directly into your brain pod.) Anyway, I can't find a danged thing inside a Walmart anymore. And it isn't just them... all grocery stores are like this. I'm just using The New Big Blue as the example:

There is a row in my local Walmart that contains chips. Everything from tortilla to potato. Any kind of chip you want. But if you're looking for crackers, you'd better look somewhere else. They're four rows over with the candy. Candy??!! Can anyone tell me why? Have you ever had to make the choice between Tootsie Rolls or Saltines? Ever put a Lifesaver on your Wheat Thins? Of course not! Chips and crackers are the same food group designed for the same type of gatherings. If you have dip, you serve chips. Cheese, crackers. Chips, dip, crackers, and cheese should be grouped together. Logical and neat. And there are others...

Wieners, hot dog buns, mustard, beer, chili, and toilet paper. Questions? No.

Milk, chocolate syrup, ice cream, and breakfast cereal all laid out in a row.

Peanut butter, jelly, bread, sliced meat, and mayo across from the tortillas, fajita meat, refried beans, and jalepeños.

Grits, biscuits, and eggs. Bacon can be between the eggs and ground beef and hamburger buns. Lettuce, onions, ketchup, and french fries should be adjacent to the buns.

Deoderant, toothpaste, toothbrushes, shaving cream, razors, and combs should be on the same shelf, or better yet, poured on top of one another in a bin.

That leaves beef jerky. It's not meat. It's not vegetable. It's not candy. So it really doesn't belong next to anything else. That's why every Mancery will have a Beef Jerky Kiosk right next to the checkout stages. "Gentlemen, now appearing on the main stage... Bambi and her scanner." (Cue the AC/DC song and stage lights.)


What have I left out guys? What changes would make your grocery shopping experience more tolerable?