That's Not What Your Mother Said

I've always had rather odd viewing habits. If you've read this blog at all you know that I typically do not watch what Neilson indicates I should. Well, that's not entirely true. I've been a fan of The Office, South Park, George Lopez, and House Hunters (and International). I'm not really sure how popular those last two are, but you should give them a try. It's a great way for anti-social hermits like me to hate on other peoples' tastes.

The difference between me and the typical Neilson schlub is that I tend to wait until everyone else has been watching a show for years before I begin. I find that gives the actors and writers time to work out all the kinks. My wife and I will pick one up and watch it religiously in syndication. That way we don't have to make sure we're in front of the television next Tuesday at 7:30 to find out what became of the...

The latest target of our devoutness is How I Met Your Mother. This show stars Neil Patrick Harris (as a sex-fiend) and several other people (including the flute girl from American Pie). It revolves around the empty lives of 5 young New Yorkers as they try to find... something or other in between one-liners. Really, it's just ironic to see NPH playing a ladies' man, though perhaps the gayest person on the show is the guy married to the flautist. The whole show is narrated by the older version of one of the characters as he is relating the story of How I Met Your Mother.

Now, normally it takes a while for a show to jump the shark for us. With two reruns playing back-to-back five nights a week, George Lopez hung in there for a good three months. The Office was there for almost six, though Benita hated it at the beginning and end, so I guess about two months for her. House Hunters slips in and out of our lives the closer we get to moving. But How I Met Your Mother has set a new standard: three weeks.

The fall started with realizing that 95% of the action takes place in a bar and the other 6% in various bedrooms. Not that there's anything wrong with that (Seinfeld lasted about 2 years), but these are stories being told to this guy's kids. Do like my grandfather did and lie - I always wondered what he was doing in bars drinking a glass of milk or a Dr. Pepper. There are other problems with ...Mother, like the time I paid attention to the credits and discovered the narrator is Bob Saget... ugh.

What I do like about the experience is the length of time involved. Three weeks is very efficient. We owe this to the fact that we could watch this show on two different channels, no less than six episodes a day. At one point I found myself flipping back and forth between two episodes running at the same time. Yeah, I know... Benita told me. But if modern technology could be used for good, this is it.

I don't want to own these shows, but if Netflix or someone could rent me a selection of episodes scientifically designed to take me through a Clockwork Orange-esque treatment of a show over a long weekend, it would free up my late night schedule for more *ehem* important activities... like writing blogs.

Healthy Dose of Change... I Hope

Good Reader, you may have noticed some changes around the old blog lately, namely, a striking absence of me. This reflects some of the changes in my personal life, with more to come. I do plan to get back to the blog in a more consistent way, but then, Napoleon planned to win at Waterloo.

My purpose today is to reprint the first three paragraphs of an AP story penned by Ricardo Alonso-Zaldivar:

WASHINGTON – When Democrats passed President Barack Obama's health care overhaul, they used Medicare cuts to pay much of the cost of providing insurance to millions of uninsured.

Now, lawmakers scrambling to stave off a scheduled 25 percent cut in doctors' Medicare pay on Jan. 1 plan to reverse the flow. They're tapping financing for the health care overhaul to keep Medicare from breaking down.

The $19 billion will help pay doctors at current rates for another year. It will come mostly from tightening the rules on tax credits in the health care law that make premiums more affordable, according to an agreement reached Tuesday by Senate leaders of both parties.

Sooooooo... let me just see if I have this right. In order for Barack Obama to get his Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act passed, he had to cut Medicare. But hey, more Americans would have affordable health insurance as a result, right? Problem solved. But now doctors aren't going to get paid by Medicare, which will mean there won't be enough doctors left (funny how nobody likes to work for free). No problem, we'll pay them with the money we were going to shave off of insurance premiums to make them more affordable. Problem solved!

I could go on, but I predicted all of this back in March.

T Minus 6 - Democraps & Republican'ts

We're coming up on another election day and I know many of my friends are downright giddy about the opportunity to make another change in this country. Of course, there are others out there who are still working on the last change and its 1000 points of darkness and turmoil. Let's hope the future is much better for all of us.

With the time remaining before the elections I want to offer some guidance on how to vote. I am aware that most of you reading this had decided long ago how you were going to vote, so I really don't need to convince you. There may be, however, some out there who - like me - are against voting straight-ticket. There also may be some of you that can stand the company of libs long enough to have formed some kind of 'friendship' with one or two. (Be careful: it's like befriending a chimpanzee. Sure they're close, but that 2% of the DNA can be a critical distinction!) For those, I'm going to reveal how I'm going to vote so that perhaps you, good reader, can change some minds.

Only one time in my life have I voted straight-ticket. That was the first national election I could participate in. I didn't really like the presidential candidate but he was the closest thing to a legacy that existed at the time. So I voted for his team right down the line. I've always felt odd about voting straight-ticket on that election. Quite frankly, it has bothered me for 20 years now. I am a bit of an Election Day nerd. I show up at the polls with a piece of paper full of notes and names. This is information I have obtained by researching the candidates and determining which receives my support. If there is no one in a particular race with whom I share principles I simply refrain from casting a vote in that particular race. My only steadfast rule is that I have never voted for a Democrat, and I never will.

That probably doesn't surprise any frequent readers of this blog, but the reason may surprise some of you. I don't avoid the Donkey Party because of it's love of big, intrusive government, or tax-and-spend economics, or liberal agendas. Republicans are guilty of all of those attributes as well. I refuse to vote for a Democrat because of the party's history of racism and segregation. Plain and simple.

But this year I will be voting straight-ticket Republican... and I strongly encourage you to do the same.

Believe me, I will feel as bitter walking out of the polling station this year as I did in 2008, but I am going to do what I have to do. For far too many elections I feel like it's been a choice between a cold or pneumonia. Voting has been like treating gangrene. The lesser of two evils. Lord, for once I'd like to open that curtain with a broad, proud grin on my face. But alas, it just doesn't look to be in the books right now. Given the two parties that exist in the realm of reality (I don't discount the Tea Party, but it has so far, thankfully, decided to take back the GOP rather than split-the-vote a la Ross Perot), the Republican Party at least rubs up against my personal convictions every once in a while, so I will be casting a vote for every Republican I can. Here's why you should, too.

This is a census year which means congressional districts are due to be redrawn. Guess who draws them? Your state legislature, the local boys. The question you need to ask yourself is not 'which one do I want in District 47 this year?', but rather, 'which part of the county do I want voting for me over the next 10 years?' Choose wisely.

For the national level I'm going to expound on an analogy my friend Brent tossed my way. Imagine you are floating in a lifeboat out in the middle of the ocean. There's nothing for thousands of miles except nothingness and sharks circling your boat. You have a gun because you defended the 2nd Amendment in every election, but due to a run on ammunition because of a recent election, you only have one bullet. There are two other people in the boat with you. One is sitting down with a pocketknife and is poking and picking at the wood in the bottom of the boat, slowly causing it to splinter. The other is standing up in the boat, taking full, broad swings at the bottom of it with a mighty axe. With each swing the wood breaks apart, pieces flying about and cracking, and the sharks begin to frenzy.

Now, who are you going to shoot?

This is the state of our economy right now. Do you remember how Ronald Reagan had a hard time selling his tax cuts to Congress and the public back in 1982? Congress wanted to increase taxes and deficit spending in order to stimulate the economy. Reagan stuck to his guns and created the longest economic upturn in our history. The current cast of misfits has gone right back to the practices of Jimmy Carter that landed us in such dire economic straights in the late 70's and early 80's, and are now telling us we haven't bled enough for their system to work. That we need to spend more. That the last stimulus has been paid back (I'll address that lie in another post) and that it really should have been bigger. It was just enough to get us back to where we were before George Bush destroyed the economy. All of the same garbage the media and Congress claimed in 1982.

Me? I'm aiming my vote at the axe wielders - the Democrats. I know you will, too, but that isn't enough.

Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert will be speaking in front of 100,000 people this weekend, and speak to millions more every week. We like to think that Rush and Bill and Glenn offset this, but the fact is the audiences of all of these are not swing voters. No fan of Jon Stewart is going to vote for a Conservative, anymore than a Beck fan is going to vote for a commie. The way the swing votes are affected is through the "real" news and family & friends. You carry that burden - talk to family and friends and neighbors and postmen and Facebook friends and whoever else you come in contact with and try to show them the way.

Or just forward them a link to this blog: edwardgroberts.blogspot.com

National Floozie League

Women have no business there: Football is the realm of men. From the competitive violence on the gridiron to the grunts and hurrahs of the fanatically devoted, football is all about testosterone, aggressive action, and sophomoric posturing. It’s all about being one of the guys.

I know there are female fans of our nation’s second favorite pastime, just as there are male fans of the Women’s Tennis Association, but to suggest the respective fan bases are comprised of significant members of the opposite sex would be truly obtuse. That’s why Hank Jr. doesn’t perform at the US Open. Football is a release for the warrior fantasies of men. It’s so ingrained in our Y-chromosomes that we even invented a fantasy version of our fantasy-based obsession. Nothing could be more definitely manly than that.

So what was the leadership of the National Football League thinking when they chose model Marisa Miller as the league’s new spokesperson? I know what the marketing department was thinking, I’m not blind. What is the fastest way to get a male football fan’s attention? A sign that reads “All You Can Eat Wings.” The second fastest is to put a cute girl up on the screen. But I have to ask: Do we really need another woman in football?

Look, I’m not trying to crush the goals of girls who dream of kicking an extra point. And I’m not trying to marginalize the woman who works hard to climb the corporate ladder of any organization, be it a team or an entire league. I’m talking about the pouring of estrogen onto and around the field of play by way of female reporters and commentators. I’ve yet to see a woman drafted to play nose guard for any NFL team, not even the Detroit Lions, yet they are all over the sidelines giving us analyses of what this sprained ankle or that pulled tendon could mean for the second half. And I have to say it usually centers on the ridiculously obvious. We need former players down there to tell us what is going on. Besides, they need the work.

As a former NFL player, if you are somewhat intelligible and reasonably good looking – or your name is Terry Bradshaw – you have a job as a network analyst or color commentator. If, however, your post-career penchants focus more on prostitutes and bankruptcy, you will be working very hard interviewing weak-side guards and assistant trainers on the sidelines just for the chance to cover the Great Turkey Toss in November. It’s hard work but what’s a fella to do when all he knows is shooting the gap, picking the option, and snorting cocaine? But now Victoria’s Secret girls are taking all of those jobs. What’s a former jock to do? As the league is facing an offseason-ending strike from the players’ union next year, one might expect the league to be more protective of former players’ livelihoods, if for no other reason than strength at the bargaining table.

And let’s not forget the obvious: Roger Goodell has made it clear that he will stop at nothing in putting an end to the public perception that the NFL is full of misogynistic pervs and cheats, from quarterbacks who text coworkers to nude players harassing female reporters embedded in locker rooms. While his is indeed an admirable goal, and I’d never defend these players’ behaviors on the grounds of the victims’ proximity to credulous circumstances, is throwing another pretty temptation into the lion’s (or steeler’s or jet’s) den such a good idea? Do women really belong there in the first place? What would be the reaction if the tables were turned?

Maybe the WTA will let me cover the women’s locker room at the US Open next year.

In the News...

Rahm Emanuel, the oft-controversial Chief of Staff of the Obama Administration, has announced that he will be leaving his post. Seems he got to wondering how he could possibly be involved in a government office more self-serving, more crooked, and worse for its constituency than the one currently occupying the White House. He apparently found his answer and will announce today that he is running for the Mayor of Chicago.

I don't know what kind of Mayor Emanuel will be (I don't think it really matters in Chicago), but I do hate to see him go: he's good for news. As long as everyone on Capitol Hill is a worthless scumbag, might as well keep the entertaining ones. Before he steps down let's revisit a few of his more memorable quotes:

• I don't want to go negative on Franklin Delano Roosevelt, but he didn't pass an economic deal in the first 100 days. We have passed the largest Recovery Act in the history of the country.
• You never let a serious crisis go to waste. And what I mean by that it's an opportunity to do things you think you could not do before.
• I believe the record I was allowed to help establish by the side of the president was important.
• There's no safe Republican district. You can run, but you cannot hide.

The loud-mouthed and empty Emanuel will be replaced Pete Rose, the gambling drunk who... oh, wait. Pete Rouse. Nobody knows much about him. Quiet. Insider. Experienced. Described as a "fixer." Of course, that's a fixer of perception, not of bad policy. I'd rather have Pete Rose in there.

Speaking of people who will never make it into the Hall of Fame...

Self-appointed KISS pimp Gene Simmons is hot after his "band" was snubbed from nomination to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Although they have been eligible since 1999, only one nomination has been bestowed upon the 70's powerhouse, but alas they did not rack up enough votes. The King of KISS tried to make a good point about the band's legitimacy:

"There's nobody in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame -- in fact, if you took all of them and put them together -- they couldn't match all the licensing and merchandising we've done and the legacy we've left."

Good try, Gene, but for some reason it just comes out rather self-serving and shallow. And I must have missed the part about music. This year not even Simmons' work on the forthcoming Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock could muster enough enthusiasm to give the band a nod. The 61-year old vampire is excited about the new video game, claiming it features everything from Queen to KISS - the whole gamut. Whoa! You mean everything from glam rock to glam hard rock??!! WOW!

Looks like the KISS Army really has to get their act together if this band is ever going to be recognized for something other than what it always has been.

And speaking of armies that have no real-world legitimacy...

The Iranian Revolutionary Guard received its first shipment of flying boats this week. This is indeed exciting news for Iran, and any anglers who have been searching for a way to level the playing field while hunting the elusive flying fish. The boats will likely be used for surveillance and several news conferences before being completely ignored by the Obama Administration... just like Iran's nuclear program.

The sight of these boats conjures up another image in my memory banks, but I just can't place it.

Oh yeah... that's it.