The Man Behind the Mosque

The construction of a $100 million mosque is in the works in New York City, just blocks from the site of the 9-11 terrorist attacks. A mosque, for those of you who may not know, is a religious center for people who follow Islam. Islam, for those of you who may not know, was founded by Muhammad, a thief-turned-religious-warrior who married a nine year old girl... who married a nine year old girl. The group wanting to build the mosque is led by Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, whom you may remember for his interview on 60 Minutes after September 11, 2001, in which he asserted the "United States policies were an accessory to the crime that happened."

The latest hurdle-clearing by the group came in the form of a unanimous nod from New York's Landmarks Preservation Commission, who were challenged with a fairly weak argument to protect the nondescript building the mosque will replace. Mayor Michael "Which Party Am I Now" Bloomberg hailed the decision, gushing:

The World Trade Center site will forever hold a special place in our city, in our hearts... But we would be untrue to the best part of ourselves, and who we are as New Yorkers and Americans, if we said no to a mosque in lower Manhattan.

The man who has never said no to a promised political backer didn't explain what part that "best part" is, but it must be sitting somewhere near the NAZI Party Memorial we built at Auschwitz.

Non-Muslim supporters of this project warn that if we ban its construction we run the risk of stepping all over our tradition of religious freedom in this country. In the current political environment that is absolutely true. How can we claim to be a free society if we deny this religion rights that other religions enjoy? How indeed.

There is a way out of this conundrum, however. Now, I'm going to have to be very delicate with this next part due to the sensitive nature of the subject at hand:

Islam is a cult

Yep. As simple as that. Islam is a cult. Now you say it: Islam is a cult. It's really not that difficult. Now, everyone say it... and you, too, Uncle Sam. In fact, it's most important for you to say it:

Islam is a cult

If the government would merely declare Islam to be the cult that it is, our troubles would be over. No one would dream of allowing a cult the same freedoms as other legitimate religions, so if the government officially declares Islam to be a cult, we can stop the construction in its tracks. I know that there are some of you out there who are saying, "But Edward, the government can't declare a group to be a cult, and besides, the Muslim faith is not one." To this I have a two word reply: Waco Texas.

The government declared the Branch Davidians to be a cult and subsequently burned the compound and all of the people left in it right to the ground. Regardless of your feelings about how and why all of that happened, does any one argue that the Branch Davidians was not a cult? The government claimed it was a cult based upon the fact that:

• Pedophilia was not only encouraged but practiced by the group's founder
• Members were compelled to stay within the group or face dire consequences
• Weapons were being stockpiled
• There was a desire to become the dominant and only True religion of the world
• Prophesies within the church called for wars and a violent end to the evil outsiders

Gee, sounds a lot like Islam to me.

I'm not suggesting that every Muslim in the world is a violent nutball who deserves to die, any more than I'd suggest, for instance, everyone who was at Jonestown, Guyana in November 1978 was a bad person and deserved to die. But that opinion doesn't change the fact that both groups consist of followers of a dangerous cult. There is no place for a mosque in New York City or anywhere else within the United States. Should the Federal Government fail to step up and defend the sacrifices of the soldiers it continues to order to kill and die for this country, I think the people in the neighborhood - be they residents or contractors - should make sure that there isn't a mosque at Ground Zero.

To those of you I know who follow Islam, I'll say this:

Convince me I am wrong. Tell the world openly and publicly that if Muhammad truly meant that Muslims should go out into the world and destroy any and every individual who does not follow Islam, he was wrong. If he was married to a nine year old he was wrong. If he advocated hatred, despotism, slavery, and murder, then he was wrong. For my part, I will state the same thing about Jesus... and with a clear conscience.

Shopping with the Man in Mind

They say men think differently. If by 'differently' they mean logically, then I will agree. My wife snorted when she read that statement (I could hear her from my desk). It's always tough getting a woman to recognize that men are so much more rational and logical than they... but then, what can one expect? They aren't logical or rational.

Now that I have gotten rid of all the women, men... I need some help. I am intent on designing the perfect grocery store for men. A Mancery, if you will. And I need your help with the design. I'm not talking about the exterior so much. Or even the interior. Decor and temperature don't really concern me as I want to spend as little time inside a store as possible. Carts... no need for one of those, or even baskets. Maybe they could put handles on all the food... that would be good, though eating a banana might then be an even more awkward affair.

No, I'm thinking more along the lines of layout... product placement. And I need your help with it. Write in with your suggestions. We need shopping with a man in mind - The Mancery Store. Let me explain.

I went to Walmart with my wife the other night. I didn't want to, I was hungry. We hate Walmart almost as much as we hate Walmart patrons. Walmart has recently rearranged everything in the store. This is to better compete against Target, I suppose, as 40 percent of the store seems to be clothing now. (On a related note, they only had 17 music CD's for sale. You want an overpriced movie or a video game - name your poison. Any decent music from before May of 2007 - good luck. Gotta get on the interwed and have it downloaded directly into your brain pod.) Anyway, I can't find a danged thing inside a Walmart anymore. And it isn't just them... all grocery stores are like this. I'm just using The New Big Blue as the example:

There is a row in my local Walmart that contains chips. Everything from tortilla to potato. Any kind of chip you want. But if you're looking for crackers, you'd better look somewhere else. They're four rows over with the candy. Candy??!! Can anyone tell me why? Have you ever had to make the choice between Tootsie Rolls or Saltines? Ever put a Lifesaver on your Wheat Thins? Of course not! Chips and crackers are the same food group designed for the same type of gatherings. If you have dip, you serve chips. Cheese, crackers. Chips, dip, crackers, and cheese should be grouped together. Logical and neat. And there are others...

Wieners, hot dog buns, mustard, beer, chili, and toilet paper. Questions? No.

Milk, chocolate syrup, ice cream, and breakfast cereal all laid out in a row.

Peanut butter, jelly, bread, sliced meat, and mayo across from the tortillas, fajita meat, refried beans, and jalepeños.

Grits, biscuits, and eggs. Bacon can be between the eggs and ground beef and hamburger buns. Lettuce, onions, ketchup, and french fries should be adjacent to the buns.

Deoderant, toothpaste, toothbrushes, shaving cream, razors, and combs should be on the same shelf, or better yet, poured on top of one another in a bin.

That leaves beef jerky. It's not meat. It's not vegetable. It's not candy. So it really doesn't belong next to anything else. That's why every Mancery will have a Beef Jerky Kiosk right next to the checkout stages. "Gentlemen, now appearing on the main stage... Bambi and her scanner." (Cue the AC/DC song and stage lights.)


What have I left out guys? What changes would make your grocery shopping experience more tolerable?

EGOLOGY UPDATE

I apologize to my adoring fans for not checking in for so long. I have been working on a larger writing project and taking care of some personal issues which, if I were a 28-year old girl writing a blog, you would already know about. My current interregnum has been stymied by my ego (I love a thesaurus!)... and the following YAHOO! "news" article: Mighty oil-eating microbes help clean up the Gulf.

I don't know how long that article will remain readable in the webworld, so I will provide appropriate clips, acknowledging that I did not write it and giving all such credit to YAHOO! for its money and environmental writer John Carey (not to be confused with Bill Carey of Ogden Edsl fame, or John Kerry of The Addams Family fame) for his typing. I'm not taking a shot at Carey; please don't think that. I believe he has made a brilliant analysis of the situation. After all, he came to the same conclusions as I did 9 weeks ago. For this study of my considerable talents and ego, I must also direct your attention to my piece from May 28th of this year, I'll Have Seconds on the Buffet, specifically, the section entitled The Oily Worm Gets The Bird.

Now that the emotional fervor is starting to subside, let's take another look at what I had to say about the Deepwater Horizon spill and compare it to what is hitting the media today:

Me Then: Gee, do you think maybe the earth can handle what effectively is a small bruise?

Them Now: Where is all the oil?

Me Then: ...the oil leak will be plugged - we humans are pretty good at fixing things...

Them Now: Nearly two weeks after BP finally capped the biggest oil spill in U.S. history...

Me Then: ...the gulf will become clean again, through the money of BP and the American taxpayer, the efforts of conservationists, a few photo ops of hippies wiping a seagull with Dawn...

Them Now: And the small cleanup army in the Gulf has only managed to skim up a tiny fraction of the millions of gallons of oil spilled in the 100 days since the Deepwater Horizon rig went up in flames... the oil slicks that once spread across thousands of miles of the Gulf of Mexico have largely disappeared. Nor has much oil washed up on the sandy beaches and marshes along the Louisiana coast... So where did the oil go?

Me Then: ...but mostly the natural cycles of the planet (ain't crude oil a naturally occurring substance?...)

Them Now: "Some of the oil evaporates..." High winds from two recent storms may have speeded the evaporation process. (I thought hurricanes were the global warming equivalent of The Death Star?) ...the oil has been devoured by microbes... Although there were more than 4,000 boats involved in the skimming operations, those cleanup crews may have only picked up a small percentage of the oil so far. That’s not unusual; in previous oil spills, crews could only scoop up a small amount of oil. "It’s very unusual to get more than 1 or 2 percent..."

Wow! Do you mean to tell me that we have spent tens of millions of taxpayer dollars to clean up 1 or 2 percent of the spill??!! Let's see:

Only 49 of 253 beach portions in Louisiana, Alabama, and Florida have been affected by the spill, which gave Texas a miss altogether

11 men were killed when the Deepwater Horizon rig blew (but let's still not talk about them)

We've decimated the Gulf Coast region by putting a moratorium on drilling, the very move most economists and residents of the region say is the wrong thing to do

We demand that BP fire their CEO AFTER getting the well capped because he didn't say sensitive enough things about the devastation of our Gulf - Hello! Pansy Corner; meanwhile, our president goes on The View (remember what I said about that? "Barack Obama will take credit for cleaning up his 'Katrina' and blame BP for all that was done wrong")

And in the end it turns out that nature has done almost all of the clean up work... for free.

It all kinda tugs at your purse heart strings, don't it?

200,000 miles and going...

I Was Wrong...

Hope I didn't make you choke on your coffee... spit takes are so passé. My wife gets downright giddy when she hears me use that phrase: I was wrong. Granted, it's very rare and, quite frankly, I think I've dwelt upon it long enough.

What I really wanted to write about today is the World Cup. You may have heard something about this going on in the news lately. I heard about it for a while before I realized they were talking about a soccer game. I'm from the South and I know that down here we have a tendency to over explain just for the sake of throwing extra syllables into everything, but didn't you think: "World Cup? World Cup what? World Cup of Hockey? World Cup of Dancing? World Cup of Hot Wings?" As uppity as the rest of the world claims Americans to be, I think it's downright conceited not to finish the name of your little tournament.

Turns out, though, that it's kind of popular. In fact, it's the most watched sporting event in the world, over NASCAR and Baywatch. According to Wikipedia 715.1 million people will watch it this year. I'm guessing that ".1" is the portion in the United States. Now, I don't consider myself an expert on the game of soccer (though my little brother did play one season of little league, so...), but I thought I might take a few minutes to explain the game to you, good reader, just a bit.

WHAT SOCCER IS

Soccer is a game played on a field the size of a Walmart parking lot, with 22 waif-like men sporting Don Johnson beards, two grumpy coaches who can't be understood... even in their own language, one ball - which apparently can be a little too round, and two jibberish-shrieking announcers who could fain excitement at a Stutterers Anonymous funeral. The object of the game is to kick the ball around the field until one of the teams runs out of penalties or the stands erupt in flames of violence. The players are not allowed to use their hands for anything other than slapping and adjusting crotches.

Except the two goalies. Their job is possibly the most important on the field. When the ball has spent too much time being knocked about at one end of the field, the goalie is supposed to pick up the ball, place it carefully on the ground, then kick it clear to the other end so the fans sitting down there can watch some of the "action" for a while. Sometimes the ball will accidentally roll into the net when the goalie is trying to pick it up. In those instances they just put the ball back in the middle to give the centerline folks a show for a bit.

I don't think there are any cheerleaders in soccer, but quite frankly, I don't think I want there to be. Let's face it: most of these countries aren't known for their beautiful people, with the exception of the Netherlands, whose women were ironically arrested and kicked out of the World Cup stadium. I'm not sure about any mascots either, outside of Posh Spice. And I can only guess that there are a multitude of sponsors associated with soccer, because we only catch the occasional commercial that Kevin Nealon shares with us on one of his stupid banned commercials shows.

WHY SOCCER SUCKS

Besides the absence of hot cheerleaders, I think there are several other specific reasons that soccer is not particularly popular in the U.S., though, like socialism, it seems to be catching on of late. To start, it's the name. Now, everywhere else in the world this game is called football. Of course, we already have a game called football, so we can't call it that. Plus, although that descriptive term probably fits the foreign game a little more accurately, the confusion would be an insult to Dick Butkus, and that wouldn't be good for anyone.

The Brits are especially bad about looking down their noses at we Yanks for our misnomenclature. That's a turn-off right there from the start. But let's take a look at where "soccer" came from. Back in Jolly Old England times the folks playing this brand of football wanted to differentiate it from Rugby Football, so they started calling it Association Football (due to official organizations and ministers and elves and wizards and all those other sort of titles they have in England). As any fan of The Young Ones (one of the greatest shows of all time - hint, hint for Christmas) knows, the Brits love to create shortened nicknames for everything:

television = tele
French fries = chips
John, Paul, Ringo, & George = John & Paul
Association Football = Soccer

So, the next time the Queen of England calls you a barbarian for referring to it as soccer, tell her, "Takes one to know one, Betty!"

Another reason we don't like soccer is the lack of action. Part of the problem is the size of the field: it's enormous! These guys are spread so far apart that the ball has to travel 14.6 miles (or 6,312 kilometers for you soccer fans) between kicks. That's where those ridiculous announcers come in. Here's a typical spastic reaction by an announcer old enough to be hanging around outside a Miley Cyrus concert looking for dates:

Good God, what a reaction from a man that old. Jeez, get a life. It's not like Dale, Jr. took the checkered flag or something.

If they'd make the field a little smaller, and the action a little faster, we Americans might get into it. But I just don't see this happening. One of the primary tactics of the soccer man is called flopping. The idea here is to get the other team penalized. You know how punters and place kickers will act like they've been plowed into when a rusher gets close? Multiply that by ten Liston-Ali factors and you've got any typical soccer player coming within ten yards of another. They flail about and writhe on the ground until the referee points at a random billionaire in shorts and orders him out of the game. It's so silly even the American team's coach in the World Cup doesn't like it. But it's such an integral part of the game many say the U.S. will never be taken seriously in the world of soccer until it learns to embrace this tomfoolery. Should we recruit Vince McMahon to coach the team?

This garbage gives the game a very un-manly reputation in a country where girls' softball results in broken bones and stitches. Soccer is so wimpy that a headbutt to the chest four years ago is still infamous. I was 20 yards up the stands when Quentin Coryatt delivered this shot on Kyle McPherson:

Had that occurred in a soccer game, Coryatt would be rotting away in jail today... with 36 Dutch models.

As much as the wimpiness and lack of action gives me the yawnies, it's the fact that ties are celebrated in soccer that turns Americans off the most. (I know hockey has 'em, but fights, man, fights!) I'm not saying a tie should never be allowed to happen: sometimes offenses suck so badly that there really is no point in going into quintuple overtime. But ties should never be celebrated. They may not exactly be a losses, but they sure as hell ain't wins!

Of course, I reckon soccer is great for countries like Italy who - not counting four World Cup titles - haven't had any kind of real victory since Emperor Claudius conquered Britannia. And France and England certainly have had their share of ties, coming from the same families and all. (Funny, they each have one World Cup title, as well.) Americans just don't like ties. We didn't tie the eight year American Revolution... we won it! When Europe was mired down in WWI and WWII, we went in and broke through. We're used to being the tie breaker. Hey, that's a great idea!

When any World Cup game looks like it's going to end in a tie, why not send the Super Bowl Champs from that year in and break up the tie? Now I'd watch that!

I WAS WRONG

You probably thought I'd forgotten about my opening... I didn't. When this World Cup 2010 started I said there was no way I could care less about it. Turns out I was wrong: the Americans lost and now I actually care a little less about what occurs from here on out. Spain vs. the Netherlands - hopefully it won't last 80 years this time. Yawn.