For Every Action There is an Equal and Opposite Reaction

You’ve heard this rule-of-thumb all of your life. Actually, I think it’s a law in some jurisdictions, but here in Alabama it’s more of a convention. But rule-of-thumb, law, convention, have you ever really considered its meaning? I thought I had, but as of recently, I’m not so sure.

I’m a lover of movies. I have the large flat-screen TV, home theatre receiver, self-installed surround sound speaker system, the DVD player, and the perfectly arranged furniture. I’ve got about 100 DVDs and possibly another 200 VHS tapes. My collection runs the entire spectrum of motion pictures, from comedies to parodies, from horror to comedy-horror, from westerns to western-comedy, to a few Hal Needham films. Quite simply, I love movies; however, that statement is soon to be put to the test, and the closer the day gets, the more I realize I may just be a lover of certain movies.

My wife has been very good at sitting down and watching movies with me. She likes westerns and loves John Wayne, so it was no great stretch to get her to watch the likes of Big Jake or Open Range. And since she already liked The Outlaw Josey Wales, Unforgiven was a given. She’s even watched my favorite: Lonesome Dove - all 6 hours and 12 minutes of it, although we did break it up over three days.

And I have to tip my hat at her for sitting through more ‘guy-esque’ movies such as The Big Lebowski, Kingpin, and Fight Club (there was a lot of eye covering during the bloodiest scenes, but that’s okay). She watched Bubba Ho Tep and Army of Darkness, and yet still caught over half of my Monty Python collection. Overall she’s been quite a trooper, though she wasn’t able to make it past the opening sequence of what is possibly the most ‘guy’ movie in history, Apocalypse Now – Redux.

One Good Turn Deserves Another

The list above shouldn’t surprise anyone: I’m a man. I don’t apologize for that fact, or that I like guy movies. But having said that, I’m no Archie Bunker, either. That means that I also watch movies of my wife’s choosing. One good turn, right? The first one she picked for me to watch was The Thin Man. And hey, as a former private eye and (current) social tipster I find it difficult not to like Nick Charles. In fact, I now reach for one of the series as often as she does.

I logged quite a few hours watching Christmas films with the wife this last holiday season, although many of those hours were A Christmas Story and Christmas Vacation, so I don’t know how much credit I actually accumulated. I did watch one that starred Linda Hamilton as a German woman playing Christmas Eve-host to twin squads of Nazi soldiers and American G.I.’s. It was touching and I watched all of it. (I do have to admit, though, that I was waiting through the whole movie for a robot Santa to crash through the wall and lay waste to everyone… but still I watched mostly quietly.) And to boot I’ve made it through something starring Kate Winslet. But now the ultimate test is coming…

This weekend my wife is insisting I sit down and watch a marathon of movies from The Hallmark Channel. Every married man in the world should know exactly what I’m talking about when I mention this channel. Murder, She Wrote. The Golden Girls. 7th Heaven. And the movies. The many, many movies.

If the Word 'Love' is in the Title, it Probably Wasn’t Made With A Man In Mind

This one is where I’m really in trouble. I don’t think there’s a movie on The Hallmark Channel that doesn’t have ‘love’ in the title. Love on the Prairie. Love Whispers Softly. Love Rides a Wagon. Love Floats on the Breeze. I’m screwed. I just don’t think I can make it through a movie with the word ‘love’ in the title unless, perhaps, it’s something like Death Loves a Gun.

Always the supportive wife, Benita has pointed out to me that the co-executive producer of my favorite movie of all time, Robert Halmi, Jr., also produces 99% of The Hallmark Channel movies. I’m sure she told me that to give me hope that I will like Love on the Plains as much as I do High Plains Drifter, but it mostly just depressed me. It’s like finding out that the same God that created The Andes also created Andy Dick.

I know you are all saying that I should just shut-up and watch the ‘love’ movies this weekend. After all, didn’t Benita watch all of Lonesome Dove? Yeah, I guess so… but it’s not like she watched it all straight through. I may as well accept the fact that I’m going to have to watch these movies with my wife. So ladies, sit your husbands down and make them watch these movies, too. After all, misery loves company.



Blogquest: What is the ultimate 'guy' movie? What movie represents the quintessence of the 'chick flick'? Should men and women try to watch each others' favorite movies/television shows? Where should the lines be drawn for each?